Page 58 of Cul-de-sac

“Well, you thought wrong,” Erin says. “I told you I was taking some time off.”

“School finished over a week ago. Another few weeks and it’ll be the end of June. You can’t keep sitting around all day, doing nothing.”

“Why not? You do.”

The words hit Maggie like a slap in the face. “Erin…”

“Besides, how am I supposed to look for a job without a car?”

“Mom,” Leo interjects. “We’re going to be late.”

“You’re right. I don’t have time for this now. We’ll talk later,” she says to the now-empty doorway. Down the hall, Erin’s bedroom door slams shut.

“I’ll wait downstairs,” Leo says.

“I won’t be long,” Maggie assures him.

Why do I keep banging my head against the wall?she wonders as she is washing up and getting dressed. Erin is going to do what Erin is going to do, and that’s all there is to it. She has to learn to pick her battles. Isn’t that what all the parenting books advise?

But what advice do they offer wheneverythingis a battle?

Thank God for Leo,Maggie thinks, heading down the stairs and ushering her son out the door and into the car, making sure his seatbelt is fastened securely around him. Sweet, gentle, kind Leo, still in that happy stage where he loves his mother.

How long is that going to last?she wonders as they turn onto the main street. How long before nature overcomes nurture, before her neediness becomes a burden, and he is embarrassed by the intimacy she still craves? How much time does she have before a sullen silence replaces the unprompted hugs and unexpected confidences? “I don’t like it when they kiss in movies,” he told her just the other day. “It makes my penis tingle.”

“Oh God,” she moans, stopping at a red light and laying her head on the steering wheel. “It’s happening already.”

“What’s happening already?” Leo asks from the backseat.

“What?”

“You said something’s happening already.”

“Did I?”Shit. What is the matter with me? Can I no longer differentiate between when I’m talking to myself and when I’m talking out loud?“I meant we’re already halfway there.”It’s that damn dream.It’s affected my whole equilibrium.I’m frustrated, that’s all it is. I haven’t had sex in…what…four months? I bet my husband isn’t sitting around being celibate. He’s out there having a high old time, being an in-demand plus-one at weddings….

A car honks behind her.

“What’s your problem?” Maggie demands, glowering into the rearview mirror.

“It’s a green light,” Leo says quietly.

“Oh.”

“Are you okay, Mom?”

“Sure, I am, sweetie. Just a little distracted this morning.”

“Maybe I should stay home today.”

“What? No! Why?”

“To keep you company, so you won’t be so…distracted.”

Dear God, what am I doing to my son?she wonders.First, I scare him half to death, then I worry him with my strange behavior, make him feel responsible for my well-being. He’s a child and I’m an adult.How is it that I’m the one who needs to grow up?“Oh, no, sweetie. I’ll be fine. I promise.”

Leo nods, although his face looks anything but reassured, and they drive the rest of the way in silence.

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