Page 4 of A Little Elfin' Around

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version. It goes back quite a few years, I meana lot of years, but you need all the info and I promise to keep it as short as possible.

So, here goes…

In the Other community, there are times that families with illustrious Supernatural lineages end up with no Magic at all. We call them Nulls. For the longest time, all of us Paranormals thought it was a genetic abnormality. I am here to tell you that it is a curse. Pure and simple – no doubt about it.

Now, I know you’re shaking your head. Sure that I’m telling you some tall tale – but I’m not. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about because for the first couple decades of my life, I thought I was one of them. All of us Archer boys – that’s what everybody called us and some still do – thought we, right along with our parents, were Nulls.

We were wrong. Really, really wrong.

The fact of the matter was, the Powers That Be - aka the Great Goddess, the Universe, and Mother Nature - my Grandad and our Clan all knew that my parents – Big Daddy Archer and Mother Archer as they liked to be called - were just no good. I don’t mean litter bugs or take-a-penny-when-they-don’t-really-need-it bad. I meanhorriblewith a capital B-A-D, real assholes, pretenders, just true wastes of space with designs on stealing Magic and harming Others.

See, mom and dad went above and beyond to act like pillars of the community, make nice with everybody, and get in good with anybody they ever met. My parents sat on every single committee, club, and women's auxiliary in and around Nowhere, USA. They went to all the functions, donated to the Other Orphans Home, and spearheaded the Food Drive for the Shifters' Sanctuary every fall. The Witches invited them to Samhain Dinner, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the Elves invited them to the Annual Christmas Cookie Party, the Easter Bunny had them over to color eggs, and the list goes on and on. They were abig deal.

But there was one thing they didn’t have, couldn’t buy, and damned sure weren’t able to schmooze their way into getting – Magic.

Like I said before, the Powers That Be knew mom and dad were rotten to the core but had to let everything play out. Had to see if there was a chance my parents would deny the evil festering in their souls and try to be good people. They also had to know that my heart and soul and my brothers’ hearts and souls weren't dark and corrupted, like mom and dad’s.

In one of the many tomes of knowledge passed down from the Ancient Dragons, I read this passage and it stuck with me.Every soul – Other or Human - is born with some light and some dark. What the person chooses to embrace – the good or the bad – is what makes them who they are.

I thank the Heavens every day that my brothers and I innately chose the Light. Shame mom and dad were such dicks.

When the time was right and mom and dad were nowhere around, Grandad Archer showed up at the front door, told us boys to come, and off we went. Out of the Swamp of Nowhere, USA, we flew all night on the back of Grandad Archer’s golden Dragon to the Isle of Skye, Scotland. There we met our Clan, learned who we really were and trained to be Guardsmen.

Yep, it’s true. My brothers and I are all blessed by the Universe. Called upon to be her Winged Warriors, to be part of the honorable, loyal, and fearsome Dragon Guard. We, and all our kin, are tasked with protecting not only all Others, but humankind and the Earth itself.

Well, not mom and dad, but you already guessed that. My parents proved to be even worse than we thought.

I know, I shouldn’t say what I’m about to say about the two people who made my life possible, but I call ‘em like I see ‘em and so will you. Those stupid assholes, aka Big Daddy and Mother Archer, literally had some grand plan to steal Molly’s Magic, along with all the Enchantment in the whole Brown Family and extract the secret of the Sacred Pumpkin she protects by using evil, black sorcery so they could escape reprisal from the Powers That Be and the Authority of Others. They had gris gris bags and spells and talisman and who knows what else. They were willing to kill a Brown Witch to get what they wanted-and let me tell you, that is one of the deadliest sins. Brown Witches are all specially handpicked by the Universe and the Great Goddess, each with special jobs that keep the world turning and all its inhabitants alive.

In the end, we got there in time. Nate saved Molly. Mom and dad are in Hell as Satan’s Kitty Box Cleaners for the rest of forever and the Authority got to put a big red X through the pictures of Big Daddy and Mother Archer on their wall of Supernatural Most Wanted posters.

Now, you’re caught up. Buckle up, it’s about to get really good.)

“Yeah, well, Ella knows I’m alive, she just…”

“She just what?” Plopping onto a bar stool, the shit-eatin’ grin was back on Mick’s face. “Told you to take a flying leap? Said she never wanted to see your ugly face again? Screamed and ran for the hills? Ignored your call? Tried to turn you into a…”

“She screamed and hung up on me,” I mumbled into my mug.

“She what?” Mick burst out laughing. “You have got to be kidding. That really happened? Went down just like that and I wasn’t here to record it for posterity and all family gatherings?”

“Shut. Up.”

Laughing so hard he almost fell off his stool, my buttheaded younger brother guffawed, “I cannot believe I missed it.”

Having way too much fun at my expense and not paying attention to what he was doing, Mick picked up one of Molly’s special cookies as he went on, “I need a blow-by-blow account of the whole incident. Leave nothing out. I mean –nothing.I can’t believe the Casanova of the Archer Clan struck out with his one and only Ma…ach, blech, gah,eurgh, ick, gack.”

Throwing the cookie across the room and into the sink while snatching a paper towel off the roll with the other hand, Mick’s eyes watered, and he made so much noise I was sure he was going to throw up right then and there. “Wh – why…?” he coughed. “Why di-didn’t you st-stop me?”

Of course, as his older brother and the one he was making fun of when he bit into the awful cookie, I grabbed my phone off the counter and took a picture as I laughed out loud, “Paybacks are a bitch, Bro.” Pausing to catch my breath, I quickly added, “And the Casanova shit is played out. Making fun of me because I’ve been in love with the same girl for all my life is just… it’s just…”

“As stupid as these damned cookies?”

“Yep,” I agreed with a nod. “That about sums it up.”

For those of you keepin’ score – it’s Molly Brown-Archer’s Nasty Pregnancy Cookies and Flowery, Gag-worthy Tea – 4, The Archer Brothers – 0.

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