Page 49 of The Non-Hook Up

And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame.

I flinchunder the weight of the pain I hear in her words, hating myself more than ever for ever allowing her to feel like this. I love it when she sings, but I never want her to sing words like this again. I want her to sing of love and happiness because that’s what she deserves. She has been through enough and now I have added to that.

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small

And needy, warm me up

And breathe me

The roomthen descends into silence, filled only by her sad sigh in the large empty space. It hits me in the chest, so hard that I gasp loud enough for her to hear.

I watch her back stiffen before she spins in her seat and narrows her eyes at me as she registers that it’s me. “What are you doing down here?”

Standing before her, there's only one way I can answer. Straightening my shoulders, and inhaling in a big breath, I take small, purposeful steps towards the steps leading to the stage, to her. Her eyes stay on me the whole time until I finally stand on the stage before her, my hands tucked in the pockets of my jeans. I finally said what I’ve been keeping in all this time. “I had a friend. His name was Mikey, though he preferred Mike because it made him sound older.” A question resides in her eyes, but she sits there, taking it all in, and I continue. “I met him in England, and he had it pretty rough, but he was a good kid. Hopped from place to place, so my band and I took him in. He came to some shows and cheered us on. He was having a blast.” I give a small smile at the memory of his smile when he would look at me after a show, a look I used to get from Conner years ago. The smile slips then as I remember what events followed. “Then he started coming to the parties. We tried to keep him from the bad stuff, but we didn’t always know who was at these parties. Shit got pretty crazy, and we didn’t know until too late that he was using drugs. Heroin, specifically. We were so lost in our own world that we didn’t know until I found him one morning dead. He had OD’d.” I school my features as I make myself look at Mia, but I don’t see judgement. I see nothing there, which makes me more unsettled.

I sigh, running a hand through hair, my voice breaking as I let some of the emotion slip. “He was only 16. Had nowhere else to go, but he would’ve been better off if we hadn’t taken him in. We had no right to do that.”

Mia just looks at me a moment before she says the last thing I would have expected. “You’re an idiot, you know.”

I blink before furrowing my brow as I register her words. “What?”

She shakes her head, moving over on her seat before waving me over. “Just come here.”

I hesitate, unsure of what else she'll say or if harsh words will follow, but I guess I deserve it. I go to sit down beside her, resting my forearms on my thighs.

She just looks at me again. “You’ve been blaming yourself all this time? Because you took in a kid that had nowhere else to go?”

I nod, and she shakes her head again.

“Okay, he probably shouldn’t have been mixed up in this world, but tell me what sixteen-year-old doesn’t go out and party and experiment with drugs?”

I raise my brows, giving her a look.

“Okay, not all sixteen years olds, but it’s not abnormal.” She puts a hand to my arm, giving it a squeeze. “That doesn’t make all of this okay, but you didn’t force him to take the drugs or to overdo it.”

“I was supposed to take care of him, and I couldn’t even do that.” I hang my head as I let the pain and shame wash over me, and silence falls between us for a moment.

She sighs. “You can’t keep blaming yourself. It won’t bring him back.” She pauses. “Sometimes these things happen, and they don’t make sense, but you still have to go through each day like it’s a normal day, or it will slowly take over your life and kill you.”

Without looking at her, I ask, “You know from experience?”

She chuckles a little. “I know a thing or two.”

I smile as she continues. “I’ll make you a deal.” I look up and see nothing but care and compassion, which was the last thing I expected to see after she knew this story. “Don’t let the loss and pain take over my life, and I won’t let it happen to you. We’ll look out for each other.”

I hold her eyes with my own, feeling warmth spread throughout my chest at her words and the comfort of them that I never knew I craved. “Like friends?”

She blinks, remembering our conversation before cocking her head. “Is that what you want?”

“It’s what I’ve always wanted.”And more, I think to myself, but don’t dare say out loud. We both have so much baggage to sort out that I don’t think either one of us could even think of pursuing anything.

She squeezes my arm and gives a small smile. “Friends, then.”

We hold each other’s eyes for a long while, lost in this crazy world we have found ourselves in, but even as I stare into those eyes, I still see tinges of sadness there. Sadness for her parents, her life, maybe for me, but it’s always there. I understand that sadness, but it still hurts to see it looking back at me in those eyes, in Mia’s eyes.

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