Page 44 of To Hate You

My hands were soaked with his blood. His fucking penance. Drops of crimson percolated from his body onto the plastic sheet beneath his feet.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

“My dad will figure it out. He’ll know it was you who killed the only son he has left.”

“I don’t care.”

“You should. He’ll find you. Find everyone close to you and massacre the whole lot.”

“Thanks to you, there’s no one left to find.”

“The night I came for you, I got to look on the inside of your tiny little bubble. A world far from ours. And I knew killing you wouldn’t be enough. I wanted you to suffer. So, I made sure your entire goddamn world burned down around you…one drop of blood at a time.”

I grabbed a jagged knife, stormed forward, splitting his flesh with the steel. I jerked my arm with every ounce of strength I had, snarling as I shoved the blade deep into his stomach. Without blinking, I watched as his mouth gaped, blood pouring out at the sides, down his jaw and onto his chest.

“This is for her.” With force, I dragged the knife up, feeling how the sharp, jagged edges carved through him, gnawing its way up, tearing through his insides, reaching his chest. “And this is for me.”

I cranked my neck to the side, pushing up my shoulders. “I killed the man who pulled the trigger that night. I gutted him from nose to navel, watched his intestines slither out of him.” I scoffed. “For months, I thought making him suffer and watching him die in a way he deserved would bring me peace. But I was wrong. So fucking wrong.”

Sienna wrapped her arms around me from behind, pressing her front flush against my back as I hung my head down. She didn’t say a word—just sat there holding me. What could she have said anyway? There were no words that could comfort a father’s grieving heart. None.

“My ex-wife never recovered. Her grief drove her mad, and I had no choice but to take her to a place where they could take care of her. I couldn’t. I was already drowning in my grief, and I knew I would never be able to help her. I knew what I was feeling; she was feeling a hundred times worse.”

Suddenly feeling out of breath and claustrophobic, I got up, pulled on my pants and walked to the window before turning to face Sienna, who remained on the bed, clutching the sheet in front of her chest; her eyes red and cheeks wet. “The day I buried my daughter, I vowed that I would never allow myself to love something or someone as much as I loved Evie. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, that unconditional love that you felt in your bones, the love that manifested in the eyes of your child—your own flesh and blood. Losing a child is an indescribable pain,” I slammed a fist against my chest, “it’s like getting your soul ripped from your chest, and every minute of every day feels like you’re dying just a little more. Every morning you wake up, you curse God for not putting you out of your misery by taking your life while you slept.”

I started to pace, tears now rolling freely down my face. “So many times, I tried to do it, tried to kill myself, but then I’d remember the promise I made her.” I paused and glanced out the window into the dark.

“What promise did you make her?”

I glanced in Sienna’s direction as she slipped off the bed and pulled on one of my shirts.

“Ever heard of the blood rain?”

“Um…I’ve heard of it but don’t know much about it.”

“It’s a phenomenon where rain turns red, having the appearance of blood. But it’s actually caused by aerial spores of green microalgae that turn the rain red.” I shrugged and scoffed. “I told her the story of the blood rain not too long before…” my voice trailed off, and I pulled a palm down my face, sniffing and breathing in deep. “I um…I told her about the blood rain and that some people believed it contained alien DNA. Oh, Sienna, you should have seen her. She was fascinated with the idea of aliens and life on other planets. She couldn’t stop talking about it. We couldn’t even walk past a store with a little alien figurine in the window without her wanting it.”

I went to lean against the windowsill, needing the support. “Evie was convinced that God created other worlds just like ours. She said that our world was too beautiful to be the only one. So, she made me promise that I’d take her to see the blood rain.” I placed my hands on my hips. “And I intended to keep that promise, which was why I couldn’t end the pain by taking my own life. Which was why I kept on running, kept on breathing so I could see the blood rain and keep my promise.”

I walked up to Sienna, looking down at her, my insides exposed, and my soul laid bare in front of her. “Like I said…I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. I was supposed to keep a promise I made to my little girl. But then,” I bit my lip, cupping her cheeks, “then you came along and you gave me hope. You made my grief just a little more bearable. You made me want to live after years of wanting nothing more than to end it all.”

“Noah. Don’t say that.”

“And when I thought I had no choice but to walk away from you, unable to stomach the thought of these fuckers taking one more person away from me, I was right back in that goddamn hole again. But something just kept on telling me to hold on, not to let go.” I pressed my lips against her forehead, pinching my eyes closed as my heart swelled inside my chest. “And that’s what I intend to do, baby girl. I’m never letting go of you ever again.”

Chapter18

Sienna

Ihad never seen so much pain. It was in the tenor of his voice; in the way he would catch his breath while struggling to keep the tears away. I thought I had experienced the worst kind of heartbreak when Noah left, but I was wrong. This was by far the ugliest, most profound sorrow and suffering I had ever witnessed, and I felt it. I felt it so fucking deep, my soul bled for him. Suddenly I no longer saw the man who broke my heart and walked away. Instead, I saw a man who had lost everything—a man whose existence was defined by the greatest loss any person could ever experience.

All this time, I knew he carried a great weight on his shoulders, but I always assumed it was because of his past life, being a sniper—a professional killer. Something like that always left broken parts and open wounds. But I never imagined that the extent of his torment was something…something like this.

“Noah.” I sniffed and wiped away my tears. “I um…I don’t know what to say.” God, I wanted to hug him, put my arms around him and take away his pain, but I couldn’t. I had no right. This was his pain—something I couldn’t even have begun to imagine. It would be foolish of me to think I could comfort him. Not now. Not ever. This was his pain and his alone. All I could do was just breathe next to him, to try and be a flicker of light in this dark place he had dwelled in for so long.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes radiant with unshed tears. My love for him had never been as strong as it was now. Noah had broken down his own walls, choosing to show me his most profound vulnerability. And now I loved him even more.

He held his arms wide. “Now you know. That’s my story, the reason why I’m so fucked up. The reason why I warned you to stay away from me because I’m just this broken fucking mess, and you deserve so much better.”

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