Page 20 of The Sins of Saint (The Sins of Saint 3)

Saint touched his cheek where my handprint tainted his skin. “Yes, I knew about the shares. Yes, I thought about what it would mean if you had my child.” His eyes remained etched on mine. “But I swear to God, this pregnancy, this life growing inside you, did not happen because of some hidden agenda.” He reached out and grabbed my arms, and I tried to resist, tried to get away, but he only tightened his grip, pulling me toward him, so close I could feel his breath caress my skin. “Why the fuck do you think I was out there trying to drink myself into a stupor? Trying to forget the image of our baby, trying to forget how much I fucking love you. Mila?” He shook me with desperate hands, and I closed my eyes, sobbing. “I love you so fucking much, and I know the longer I’m with you, the better the chance of it fucking destroying me.”

“So, what?” I tried to jerk from his hold but failed. “Loving me is reckless?”

“Yes,” he bit out between clenched teeth. “Yes, loving you is the most reckless thing I’ve ever done. But I just. Can’t. Stop. I can’t stop falling deeper and deeper for you. You’ve become my weakness, Mila. But this baby,” he let go of my arm and placed a palm on my belly, “this baby is my Achilles heel. My entire fucking existence changed the instant I heard that heartbeat, and all the bad I’ve done, all the pain I’ve caused came crashing down on me like a giant clusterfuck of mistakes.” He bent down so he could look me in the eye without me craning my neck. “I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you or our child because of things I’ve done in my past. Don’t you get it? I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this.” His fingers brushed against my belly. “I don’t deserve to be as happy as I am when I’m with you.”

I swallowed hard and wiped at the tears still running down my face. “Your first task as a parent, Saint, is to stop thinking about what you deserve or not, and to start thinking about what your child deserves. And this child deserves to have both parents love him or her.” I touched my belly. “Do you get that? Do you understand? Our child deserves to have more than we had.”

Saint pulled back and let go of my arm. “I know.”

I steeled myself, desperately trying to get a grip on my emotions. The importance of the life growing inside me far outweighed the pain Saint’s lies and deception caused. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.

I pulled my hair back, trying to take a deep breath in a bid to calm my racing heart, to push back the pain that lingered inside me. “You know what? Ever since the first day I met you, I was afraid of you. Afraid of you hurting me. First physically, and when I fell in love with you, I feared you’d hurt me by breaking my heart. But I’m done. I’m done being afraid. Because in the end, you will hurt me. You’ll break my heart and ruin me for every other man out there. But no amount of worry or fear will change that.” I stepped back, needing some distance. “It’s only a matter of time before you tear my heart out of my chest and cut my soul in two. Until then, I refuse to wallow in the thousand what-ifs that plague me daily, and I will no longer try to uncover your secrets with the hope it would bring us closer together. So, for now,” I kept his gaze and felt my heart bleed inside my chest, “even after everything you’ve done…for now, I still choose you. No matter how hard you try to keep me out, or how determined you are to keep your defenses up around me…I choose…you.” I flattened my palm against my stomach. “Until the day comes when I’ll choose our child over you.”

Tears prickled my eyes, but I refused to cry in front of him yet again.

A rollercoaster ride.

Twists and turns.

Elation and heartache.

Joy and uncertainty.

It was all the things that wreaked havoc on my soul.

I turned my back on him and pushed back the tears. “I’m exhausted. I’ll see you in the morning.”

It was my subtle way of telling him I wanted to be alone and not share his bed—not that I had any reason to think he might have expected it.

“Good night, Saint.”

When I heard the door shut behind me, I had to pull together every ounce of courage I had to not shed a single tear. To shower and get into an empty bed with a heart that knew it would eventually break because of the man I loved. It was only a matter time before my love for him destroyed me. After all, he had been toxic to me ever since he stormed into my life. A drug. Poisonous. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from falling for him, from wanting more. There was no use in fighting it. No use in denying how he had taken everything from me—including my heart. Something he’d never give back…and something I’d never ask him to return.

8

Saint

I didn’t expectMila to stay if she knew she had her freedom. Even after our professed love for one another, I was convinced she’d jump ship the first chance she got. Mila was like me, an animal with a kind of strength that was never made for captivity. We thrived on freedom. No chains. No barriers or boundaries. People like us weren’t created to be tamed. But maybe that was the reason we were so drawn to each other. Fuck the moth and fuck the flame. We were wind and rain, the elements of a storm which came together and wrecked everything in its path.

She was my heaven, and I her hell. I was the devil who clipped her wings so she couldn’t escape. Now it seemed she no longer wanted to. And like a desperate fool, I used the very secret I chose to hide from her as a weapon so she would run from me. Take our child and run as far away from me as possible. I was too toxic. My darkness too powerful. I’d only end up hurting them both. It was my one selfless act to ensure I protected them from me. From my father. And from the past that would always hold me hostage. But instead, all I did was hurt her. I saw it in her eyes, how my spoken secret and obvious deception broke her heart in two. My secret tainted this beautiful thing that stemmed from all the ugliness that surrounded us. It corrupted the miracle of creating a new life.

Yet still…Mila didn’t run.

James had waited in the foyer for hours in case she changed her mind and wanted to leave. But she never left her room. I sat in the bedroom across from hers, waiting for her door to open. Waiting to hear her footsteps for the last time before she finally broke free from the chains I had put her in. But it never came, and by God, I had never felt so relieved in my entire goddamn life.

“Here are the files you requested.”

I looked up as James placed the brown envelopes on the dining table in front of me.

“All the pictures and police reports are in there.”

“The contract?”

“Your lawyer should have it drafted and ready within the hour.”

I nodded. “Thank you.” James hovered, and I frowned. “What is it?”

“I found her.”

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