Page 64 of Kiss the Girl

She shrugged. “Back to Seattle, probably. I still have friends there and it’s the only home I’ve ever known, so…it just makes sense.”

This time there was no nod, just that look, and she braced herself for whatever it was he was preparing to say.

“It’s okay, you know,” he began quietly.

Frowning, she waited for him to go on.

“You’re scared and it’s totally okay. Believe it or not, I’m scared too.” He gave her a lopsided grin. “Part of me just figured I’d go in my sleep and not know it was coming. But all this sitting around and waiting for it scares the hell out of me.”

“Cash…”

“I’ve known you since you were a kid, Savannah. In my whole life, I’ve never met anyone as strong and resilient as you. You’re tough as nails and you take no bullshit and you fight for the things you believe in and the people you love.” Pausing, he let out a long breath. “But in the last eight years or so, I’ve watched you fight not to feel.”

“I feel plenty.”

Shaking his head, he met her gaze. “No, you don’t. Not really. You keep people at a distance—especially anyone new—and you’ve learned how to help other people deal with their feelings, but you’re very guarded. I hate that. I hate seeing that for you.”

“Is this because you think I should gush over Jackson and the relationship?”

Sadly, he shook his head again. “Although, you were more passionate and animated talking about him the morning after you met him than you’ve been about anything in a long time. Too long. I’m not saying that you have to be in love with Jackson, but I am saying that it’s okay to let yourself fall in love.”

Tears stung her eyes and she looked away because she hated how he knew her so well. He always had, and sometimes it was unnerving.

Like now.

“You have no idea how much I hate that I’m going to be added to the list of people who left you too soon, Savi.”

She heard the raw emotion in his voice and yet she couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

“I told Jackson that first day about how I felt like I could leave Magnolia—leave him, Austin, and Garrett—because they had each other. They had Grace and countless relatives. I know I’m all you have left, but it doesn’t have to be that way.”

This time she did look up at him. “Are you telling me you suddenly found some of my long-lost family? Because even if you did, it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. And while I appreciate what you’re trying to do, the bottom line is that this is how I have to be, Cash. It’s the only way I know how to go on. It’s my fight or flight, or my survival skills, or whatever you want to call it.” Sighing, she said, “A person can only take so much and when you’re gone, I’ll have hit my limit. It’s better to keep the walls up and not let anyone else in. It’s safer that way.”

“It makes for a lonely life. Trust me. Learn from my mistakes.”

“You let people in all the time,” she countered. “And you care more than you ever want to admit, and I think that’s what tortured you all these years. Because you care too much.”

“And yet I still hurt everyone.”

All she could do was nod because…it was true.

Sort of.

“Not everyone, but…”

“The ones that mattered the most.” With a soft growl, he ran a hand over his thinning hair. “Grace always deserved better than me. It was selfish to marry her and yet…I couldn’t stay away. I thought I could make her happy or that having kids would give me the desire to stay. It didn’t take long to realize that I wasn’t cut out for it. Any of it. Everyone looks at my leaving as being selfish, but in my heart, I was being selfless. I wanted her to have a better life. I wanted the boys to have a better role model.”

“They didn’t want a better role model. They wanted you.”

Savannah and Cash both turned to see Grace standing in the doorway. The screen door had been slightly open and she probably did not want to disturb their conversation.

Well…

“Grace, I…” Cash began, but she stepped further into the house and came to stand in front of him.

“No one would have cared if you didn’t want to live with us or…or…be a full-time father. But you disappeared for years at a time! And you know what? It wasn’t selfless, no matter what you try to tell yourself. If you had truly felt that way—had really wanted what was best for us—then you would have told me this so I didn’t sit around waiting for you to come home or for the phone to ring or for a piddly little postcard in the mail! I wasted years waiting on you and you never had the common decency to tell me how you really felt!”

Okay, wow…

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