Page 23 of Lost (Powertools: The Shields 2)

“What the hell kind of judgmental monster do you think I am?” She propped her hand on her hip.

“I always knew you were far better than I deserved,” Knox muttered as he rubbed his chest, then winced. “I ruin things for everyone eventually. And no. Riggs overdosed a few months ago. So did I. On that new shit you confiscated yesterday. I haven’t touched it since. If you’d told me that day I could sit on a fucking mountain of it and not sample a bit, I’d have laughed in your face. But it made me sick to even be near it. All I could see was his blank stare when I looked at those bricks.”

“Ah, fuck.” Marcus leaned in as if he wanted to comfort Knox but held back, as unsure of what to do as Kennedy was.

“I’m so sorry, Knox.” And she was. No one should have to lose someone they loved. The debilitating pain could haunt you forever. As much as his presence was sure to turn her life upside down again, she was grateful he’d survived such a close call. Probably one of many he’d had since they’d parted. “And glad you’re still here.”

“Hmm.” He didn’t sound as thrilled about it. “All I’ve ever done is hurt the few people who gave a shit about me.” Knox stood then and crossed to her.

“Is that why you disappeared? Did you realize you wanted a man instead of me?” She cleared her suddenly raw throat. “You could have told me. I would have understood.”

“Kennedy, no.” He put his hand on the side of her neck, making her jump and Marcus hover protectively. “That just sort of…happened. We were friends first. Partners. Got into and out of so much shit we thought we must be invincible. And when we used, it seemed like we could be. He made the first move, and I told myself at first I only went through with it because I was stoned. But it wasn’t true. It was more than that. He always had my back, and when he was gone…but I was still here…”

He shrugged, and she couldn’t remain unmoved. Kennedy hugged him carefully, laying her head on his shoulder, which left her staring at Marcus. Instead of being furious, he flashed her a soft smile.

“Maybe I should give you two some space.” Marcus shuffled toward his bedroom. “Are you comfortable with that, Kennedy?”

“No.”

Knox stiffened in her hold.

“I mean, I don’t want you to leave, Marcus.” She didn’t trust herself enough to be responsible if she was left alone with Knox.

“I haven’t given you any reason to believe me, but I would never hurt you, Kennedy. Not like that. Not on purpose. And I regret that I already have. I’ve cursed the day I agreed to work with the cops and how fucked up everything got after that.”

“Wait. What?” Kennedy stepped back so she could stare into his mesmerizing eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Your boy here was a mole. But when he did what they asked of him and ended up addicted to drugs, the cops fucking abandoned him in that hellhole. I had James reach out to JRad and verify his records. Knox is telling the truth.”

Kennedy whipped her gaze from Knox to Marcus and back. Marcus must have known it would be nearly impossible for her to trust Knox again. He’d checked for her sake. Even though he knew how she felt about Knox and that finding this out would only bring them closer.

“You did what?” Knox glared. “I thought you believed me.”

“I did. In this business, I also like to double check my gut whenever possible.” Marcus shrugged, clearly trying to smooth things over. “I think you’ll agree, in our line of work there’s not a lot you can take on faith.”

Knox took a deep breath. “Okay, fair enough.”

“So like I said, if you need some privacy…” Marcus pivoted.

“No.” This time Knox and Kennedy said it simultaneously. They looked at each other and then back to the man who seemed to make the perfect buffer for them both.

Marcus returned to the living room, inviting them to sink onto the sofa while he faced them in an armchair.

“If I had known…” Kennedy rubbed her temples, trying to make sense of what he was telling her.

“There wasn’t much you could have done.” Knox spoke softly, as if from far away as he remembered that time in his life. “It started with the bust going off the rails, but I got sucked into the organization pretty quickly. I don’t know, maybe it felt good to have somebody tell me I didn’t suck at something for once, even if that something was something horrible—selling drugs, screwing over other people just like myself, getting in fights to protect our turf and keep our sales up. You know, whatever it took to keep the praise and the drugs coming, and gave me a built-in family, even if it was a fucked up one. They took me in, made me feel like I belonged somewhere for the first time.”

“What about me? Didn’t I make you feel that way?” Kennedy still hated that she had failed so miserably when it came to him.

“You tried, but I couldn’t believe it. Not when I felt like such shit about myself. My own mother didn’t love me, and she was a screw up. How could someone as intelligent, funny, and so damn….togetheras you care? And then once I worked for the Vipers, I knew you’d never want me back. Not after everything I did. I tried to show you I still cared from a distance whenever I was sober for long enough and didn’t think it would put you in jeopardy.”

“What do you mean?” Kennedy whispered, because in her heart, she already knew.

“Did you think it was just some random coincidence that you’d find violets in your path every once in a while? Planted in the beds outside your apartment, or in the park you jogged in, stuff like that.” Knox wondered.

Marcus leaned forward as if watching some tragic movie unfold.

“I thought I was imagining it and that it was coincidental.” Kennedy recalled at least a half dozen other examples. The window boxes outside her college lab. Around the bench she’d taken her breaks at in the courtyard of the hospital where she’d done her residency. “They always reminded me of you, but I had no idea you were putting them where I’d come across them. That thought never even occurred to me.”

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