Page 3 of Slow Ride

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Jordan had put it off as long as he could.There was nothing left to do but go home.

And face Wren.

It was easily the hardest thing he’d had to do in his life, including watching Johnny die in his arms.Because even though Johnny had accepted the inherent risks in his job and mercifully hardly realized a gunshot wound had clipped his carotid artery before bleeding out, Wren was going to have an entire lifetime to suffer.

If she hurt even a fraction as bad as he did, it was going to be hell on earth.Pure torture.

Which was why he’d been wandering aimlessly for…days, probably, though he’d lost track for certain.He’d ridden out to the cabin at the lake, paced the shore, screamed into the wilderness, and cried until he’d made himself physically ill.Stayed awake for days on end then slept for what seemed like a few more, unable to get out of bed.None of that had changed the numb dread inside him.

His entire core was frozen.

Jordan was more scared than he’d been when he’d realized they’d walked into an ambush near the border.Because he wasn’t sure that even Wren could thaw him.He sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to comfort her either, not when he felt like an emotional zombie.

It was a disaster waiting to happen.

He put his key in the lock and paused, wondering if he should knock.Technically, he lived there.But it was Wren’s place and he couldn’t imagine how he’d be welcome ever again.Not after he’d failed her.He’d promised to keep Johnny safe.To bring him home for her to love and be loved by in return.

Now she’d have to settle for only him.

Jordan knew he’d never be enough to fill both their shoes.Besides, he didn’t have the gentle touch his partner had.Without that to soften his sharpness, he wouldn’t be any good for Wren.

It was a pointless exercise.He stood there long enough that he thought he might be better off tucking the key in the mail slot and walking away, leaving everything of his old life behind in that quirky, cozy apartment with Wren, and starting over as the entirely new and foreign person he felt like.

Except right then the doorknob was snatched out of his grip.

Wren stood there, gaping at him.Extremely bloodshot whites surrounded her irises, making them seem even bluer than usual.Her long blond hair was kinked and matted as if she hadn’t brushed it in the entire week since…the incident, as he’d started thinking of it to himself.

For a moment, they simply stood there, staring at each other in shock.

Then she screamed and flung herself at him.“Jordan!Son of a bitch, Jordan!”

At first, he couldn’t tell if she was trying to pull him closer or beat him up as her fists pounded his chest and she buried her face against his shoulder.Probably it was a bit of both.

He had no choice but to catch her or let her fall on the busted concrete sidewalk.No way would he ever let that happen, so he wrapped his arms around her and held her close as he half-dragged, half-carried her inside.Every blow she rained on him he absorbed, wishing it hurt more.Maybe then it would drown out the pain coming from within him for a moment or two.

It felt wrong to hold her, to smell her, to cradle her so close to his heart when he knew he didn’t deserve her.Whatever had been between them had died as surely as Johnny.Grief, anger, betrayal, shame, outrage—all of it was too intertwined with his feelings for Wren and the man he’d lost before he’d ever found the guts to admit that he loved him.

No, Johnny had known that.He just hadn’t understood that Jordan wasin lovewith him, too.

Now it was too late.

He couldn’t fix any of it.Neither would he take it back.

The past summer had been the hottest time in his life.He planned to hold it as close as he was hugging Wren right then.He’d relive it in his memories as often as possible to erase the despair that had nearly driven him to join Johnny.He wasn’t sure exactly how long he’d sat at their cabin, with his service pistol on the table, pointed in his direction, but it had been long enough to drain every drop of liquor they’d stashed in the cabinets there.

He’d felt the weight of the icy steel in his hand, and had tested the feel of it against his temple.

But as his finger had tightened on the trigger, he’d imagined he heard Johnny outside, singing along to Kason Cox as he worked on the outboard motor that was always quitting on them, forcing them to row their way home with the sunset glinting off the mirror-calm surface of Lake Logan before it dipped behind the majestic mountains on the opposite shore.

Jordan had put the gun down and gone to look out the window, finding only leaves blowing past in the brisk autumn breeze.No Johnny.No Wren.

Only the memories of brighter days had saved him.

That didn’t mean he could keep the best part of his life all to himself now that Johnny was gone.

“Where were you?Are you okay?Of course you’re not, but…” Wren was running her hands all over him then, as if trying to verify that he was in one piece.Jordan tried to ignore the way her touch electrified his skin.Even then, in the depths of his grief and guilt, she had the power to move him.“Jordan!Talk to me, damn it!”

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