Page 54 of Stay Baby Stay

I can tell he wants to object to this plan, but he knows there’s no use in fighting me. Especially now that I know he’s about to run off and do something very illegal and possibly very dangerous.

He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “You were all right out there today?”

“I was. I mean, it sucks that we didn’t find Kenzie, but it felt good to be out there doing something.”

It’s kind of amazing, actually. I didn’t think I’d ever be strong enough to function without Kenzie. Yet here I am, pushing myself to do things that terrify me.

“You and Teagan seem to have hit it off,” he says.

“She’s like, unbelievably nice, and so...cool. I desperately want her to let me do her makeup. She told me she’s apprenticing with a tattoo artist and plans to open her own studio someday.”

“I’ve seen the work she’s done on Jonah’s back,” he says. “She’s definitely got talent.”

“Jonah’s really nice, too. And Austin and Mike. All your friends have been so welcoming.” I nibble my bottom lip, debating whether or not to bring up something we both heard today. “Did you hear Teagan call Jonah, Daddy, earlier today?”

He chuckles. “I sure did.”

“Do you think she said it because of Joey, or do you think she calls him that in private?”

“I don’t know. But I know it’s been too damn long since I heard you say the same.” He strokes the side of my face. “I’m glad you had a productive day, sweetheart. But I’m sure meeting all those new people still felt pretty overwhelming.”

The fact that he already knows me so well melts my insides like butter over warm bread. I wrap my arms around his hips, pressing my brow to his abdomen. “Today was one of the hardest days in a long stretch of very fucking hard days.”

“Looked like you had some fun playing with baby Joey,” Cal says.

“He’s so sweet. I look at him and I just want to hold him close so nothing bad can ever reach him.”

Cal pets the back of my head like it’s a sleeping cat.

“Think you might want your own kids someday?”

I inhale deeply. “I never really thought about it.”

It sounds like a lie, but it’s the truth. I’ve dreamt about feeling safe and secure enough toconsiderhaving a family. Taking the extra step of imagining myself with a kid always felt like setting my future self up for a fall.

In theory, I know it’s possible to be a good parent even if you didn’t have one yourself. In practice, I doubt I’d even know where to begin.

Memories of my own mother are hazy and amorphous. I remember her shouting, grabbing me by my arm, dragging me along behind her. My father is a black hole in the fabric of my memory. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of protecting me from things I’d rather not know. Or maybe he just wasn’t around very much. In place of memories of him, I’m left with a void in the shape of his absence.

I’m sure I’ll have to unpack all of that someday, but today is not that day.

“Right now you’re focused on finding McKenzie,” Cal says. “But when this is all over, and your friend’s home safe, I want you to let yourself think about the future. Ask yourself what Holly wants.”

I tilt my head back to look at his face, and the view from where I’m seated reminds me of what we did last night, when I sucked his cock for the first time. The thought sends a flood of warm tingles from the back of my head all the way down to my pelvic muscles.

“There is one thing I’ve always wanted,” I say.

“What’s that, baby?”

It’s so simple and basic that I feel silly even saying it.

“I’ve always wanted a house.”

“Yeah?” His mouth curves. “Tell me about it. Paint me a mental picture of your dream house.”

“I don’t know.” I fiddle with the hem of his boxers. “Something old, but not rundown. I guess classic would be a better word. Soft, pastel-colored walls and wood trim. With a big back porch and tall trees in the yard.”

“Sounds picture perfect,” he says. “I have been thinking it might be time to invest in something permanent.”

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