Page 86 of Was I Ever Here

But it’s hard not to find hope when I look at her as I do now. Hard not to find hope in the sun’s rays peeking out from the clouds above as if even the sky itself is hopeful in this very moment.

The way she pops a cherry tomato into her mouth and then another. The way she can still find some peace in the sun warming her cheeks, her closed eyes seeking it while she chews. A simple moment to enjoy when I know her heart still aches for the ghost of her twin.

Sunny deserves a happier life. She deserved betterlives. A better husband. A better lover. A better friend.

I want to be all of those things for her. But what if I fuck it up again? I’ve never pretended to be a good person. I’ve killed, tortured. And a sick part of me enjoys it, finds purpose in it. There’s no question I’ll kill again. And now I’ve dragged Sunny into this world, only because—what? I love her? Because of this unhinged belief that we’re star-crossed lovers meant to be together?

Dread trickles down my throat as I realize that maybe us being together is actually our demise. Maybe that’s the change in the script of life needed for us to finally move on. What if I was shown all of this as a warning? A warning of what could be if we ever end up together again.

But I’m selfish. Does it matter? When simply being in her presence feels like rapture. How could such a feeling be wrong? How could loving her be one step closer to her death? One step closer to me losing her all over again.

I notice Sunny suddenly seems lost in thought.

“You okay?” I ask.

Sunny’s eyes heat my skin when her gaze lands on me.

“River died five years ago today,” she says, seriousness etched in her brows. “Did you remember?”

My throat constricts with the final secret I need to tell her. “I did,” I say, taking her hand in mine. “Actually, there’s one last thing I haven’t told you.”

I feel the fear spike in the air between us.

“It’s not bad,” I add quickly to reassure her, raising her shaky hand to my lips. “Just interesting…for lack of a better word, I guess.” She doesn’t say anything as I clear my throat while she continues to sear me with her gaze. I don’t know how to say it so I choose just to be blunt. “The time I almost died, my near-death experience…” I stroke my scar absentmindedly. “Well, it also happened five years ago today.”

I don’t know why I’m fighting off guilt that I shouldn’t even harbor in the first place. It’s not as if it’s my fucking fault. Any of it. But I still brace myself for Sunny’s reaction.

She blinks back at me, her soft lips parted in surprise. And then laughs. Bright and effervescent. And all I want is to find a way to bottle it up so I can keep that sound forever.

Sunny laughs and laughs and with it I start laughing too. Because itisabsurd. Of course we share that date. Of course we are linked yet again by forces so much bigger than the two of us. I’ve never been a spiritual person but how can I not believe in something beyond this when life continues to shove me into situations like these?

How much of this is freewill when these moments feel so fated? Destiny is pulling at our invisible strings like puppets. The same strings that attach me so firmly to Sunny. The ones I pull on when she drifts away, the very same that led me to her when I myself was drifting.

Then, I tell her something I’ve asked myself ever since I learned of this coincidence. “Makes me wonder, if maybe our paths crossed, you know? Who knows… Maybe I met River on the other side, before I came back and found you,” I admit.

Slowly Sunny’s laugh stutters to a stop, her eyes welling with tears. “I like that,” she croaks.

My heart swells watching her take in what I just said.

“Come here,” I tell her, dragging her into my arms. She curls into me and sighs deeply.

“Don’t you dare die on me Byzantine,” she mutters, her words laced with fear.

I’m not sure if they’re meant to sound so final but I just hug her harder. I breathe in all the emotions crackling on the surface of her skin that she never says out loud, trying as desperately as I can to swallow them down into my own body. But I know it’s useless. Useless, because there’s no such thing as the ability to save someone from their own emotions.

But I still try.

I still let myself believe I can help as I kiss her hard and urgently. Her soft moan travels down my spine as I kiss her even harder. As if pushing her against my body will somehow make her stay here with me. Forever.

“I promise, my little sun,” I finally say.

It’s such a callous lie—to promise her I won’t die. Because it's inevitable. It’s the one thing I can’t promise her, but I still pledge it to her because she needs to hear it and I so desperately need for her to believe it.

I promise. I promise. I promise.

Chapter 49

Sunny

---