Page 50 of Promise Me

“I’m so sorry.”

He thinks we’ve hit bottom, and I’m bizarrely tempted to let him believe it, but the truth is we’re still falling. “Me, too. I’m sorrier than I can ever express, but…” And down we go. “He didn’t die. He suffered severe brain trauma. He’s still breathing, but otherwise unresponsive.” The tears start to fall more heavily, because I hate this part the most. Seeking escape, I turn away from Vaughn and lean my forehead against the wall. “We were supposed to go to college together, get married, work together, and have babies together. We had it all planned out.”

The arm around my shoulder gently pulls me into the safe harbor of his chest. “You loved him.”

“I loved him so much. A part of me always will, and it’s like an anchor around my heart.”

Vaughn’s regard is tangible, like he’s realigning all this new knowledge to piece together my past. Prom…hotel room…my virginity…my hesitation to get involved with him.

“I understand,” he says with tenderness I’m not sure I deserve. “When was the last time you saw him?”

This is one of the toughest things for me to accept. “I saw him in the hospital briefly after the accident.” I close my eyes to block the worst of it. “I wasn’t supposed to. I had broken ribs and a concussion, but I needed to know how he was. People kept saying, ‘He’s alive,’ without meeting my eyes. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to see for myself, so I snuck down the hall to ICU. Apparently the nurses found me screaming and crying hysterically in his room. They had to sedate me. After that neither my parents nor Mason’s wanted me to see him. Everyone thought it would be…damaging.”

“I get that,” he says quickly. “But now, after this much time, it might help—”

“His parents still aren’t open to it. His mom says he wouldn’t want me to see him the way he is now, and he deserves to be remembered as young, vital, full of life. She’s protecting him. And in a way, me, too. I want to remember him looking strong and vibrant in his football uniform, his jeans and T-shirts, his tux that night. I can’t blame her, but—”

“But you don’t have closure. That weight you feel around your heart, that anchor? It’s not him. It’s you. This is your life. You’re in charge of charting your course, and you have to decide when it’s time to let go.”

I nod, because deep down I know he’s right. It took a suspended license, sixteen months of community service, three years of probation, mandatory alcohol awareness training, and hours of therapy to get me to this truth. “The last four years have been one long, slow exercise in letting go and learning to reach out again. I let go of the dreams I shared with Mason. I let go of my hope for forgiveness from our old friends, who wouldn’t look me in the eye but whispered behind my back. Eventually I let go of self-hate and bitterness, which weren’t getting me anywhere but were hurting the people who love me a great deal. I reached for ways to make my life meaningful. I reached for New York and college. I reached for new friends and new goals.”

“And you succeeded,” Vaughn says.

I’m proud that he thinks so. “Mostly. There are things I’ll never fully let go of. Regret will stay with me always, and it should. Some of the goals I’m reaching for don’t feel right for me anymore, but to please my dad maybe I need to give them a chance. And then there’s the whole virginity thing.”

Our meals arrive, and I’m grateful for the distraction even though I can’t eat a bite. Vaughn’s been beyond understanding, but it’s time to let him off the hook. “Thanks for listening to all of this, but we can go if you want. I’m sure it wasn’t the date you imagined.”

Vaughn shifts just enough to allow us room to eat. “I imagined getting to know you better. I don’t see how we do that without honest conversation.” He slides linen-wrapped utensils my way. “Thank you for confiding in me.”

Relief I didn’t anticipate washes through me, leaving my head light. To hold myself together, I unroll the utensils and cut into my steak. “I wanted you to know me—ugly parts included—before things between us got too…friendly.”

“Are things between us going to get friendlier?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, but something inside me flutters at the prospect. It could be panic.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

He can ask me anything at this point. I literally have nothing left to hide. “Sure.”

“Is ‘the whole virginity thing’ something you’re trying to hold onto, or let go of?”

This question, off another guy’s lips, might compel me to slap his face and say, “I just shared my most painful secrets with you, and you’re trying to figure out whether you have a shot at getting laid?” But the concern in Vaughn’s eyes as he searches my face tells me it’s the exact opposite. He’s trying to figure out what I want. He’s putting me in charge of how…ahem…friendly we get. He’ll play it my way. A new lump forms in my throat, and I take a sip of water to ease it before answering. “I think, for a long time, it was something I held onto out of love, loyalty, or guilt—probably a combination of all three—but it’s difficult to say for sure because nobody really tempted me. Until now.”

His quick smile assures me that last part went straight to his ego, but then he tips his head and strokes his thumb along my cheekbone. “Maybe you’re tempted now because you’re ready?”

Or maybe I’m tempted because it’s him? Attraction is one thing, but a man who listens without flinching while I unpack more emotional baggage than he could possibly have bargained for? I could really fall for him.

I place the fork on the plate at the wayward thought and lean away. “Yes, I think so. But I’m here for the summer.” Getting too attached will just break my heart and, given the delicate state it’s still in, that’s a mistake I can’t afford. Time for a reality check. “And we’re on very different trajectories. You’re destined for fame, be it from America Rocks or something else, you’re going to get there. I would never want that spotlight to somehow spill over onto me. I can’t hold up to it, and I can’t do it to Mason, my parents, or his. I need my privacy.”

“Kendall, I would never tell anybody the things you told me tonight.”

I clasp his hand. “I know you wouldn’t, but as your career takes off, your fans will be curious about your life. Especially who you’re friendly with. The media will do their best to feed that curiosity.”

Vaughn breaks eye contact to motion to the waiter for our check. “Right now, this summer, I can keep things on the down-low. Even friendship. I promise.”

The coil of tension inside me loosens. I finger-comb his hair back from his forehead and can’t help giving him a smile. “Friends for the summer?”

“Friends forever,” he corrects, and adds a wink. “Down-low for the summer. You up for a movie or something?”

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