Page 64 of This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness 3)

I wanted to punch him in the face.

“Yeah.” Penny dropped her gaze from mine. “I’m going to go visit Liam while you two finish up, okay? Think of the beach.” She squeezed my hand before hopping off the exam table.

I watched her duck out of the room as quickly as possible. And I hoped that telling her I loved her laughter didn’t mean she felt like she couldn’t cry around me. I knew she wanted more kids. Hell, if I was being honest with myself, I wanted more kids. But that wasn’t going to happen for us.

“Deep breaths this time, okay?” Dr. Young said as he pulled his stethoscope back out.

But my mind was far away.

Chapter 17

Wednesday - Penny

I rushed out of the room before James could see me cry. He had just told me that my laughter was what reduced his stress. Yet, here I was.

I was trying to be strong. But my husband’s heart was failing. My baby boy couldn’t even breathe without being attached to all those machines. And the future I wanted had just disappeared. Really. There were no more ifs, ands, or buts about it. No more children. It was a fact now instead of just a…I shook away the thought. It had always been a fact. I had just let myself believe for no reason at all. I was so filled with hope for James and Liam that I let a little of that hope creep into my own situation as well.

My feet stopped moving and I leaned against the wall in some random hallway of the hospital. I couldn’t go see Liam like this. I was trying so hard to hold it together and then one ounce of bad news had me teetering over the edge. I let myself cry as my back slid down the wall. My butt hit the floor with a thud and I pulled my knees into my chest. I needed to get all of this out of my system before James was done his exam. I needed to be a ball of positive energy filled with laughter and smiles and hope. The thought made me cry even harder. I felt like I was breaking under the stress that I just promised James I could help carry.

But it was more than that. I felt like something in my life was missing. Maybe it was the idea of the children I’d never have now. Like there was a part of me I didn’t have anymore. Hopes and dreams, maybe. It certainly wasn’t my phone. Having that back meant nothing to me. I hadn’t missed it at all.

I leaned over more and felt the waistband of my shorts biting at my skin. God, and I was also fat. I hated the extra baby weight I had put on. Or maybe I just hated these short. Why did I pack jean shorts anyway? I was a grownup. Grownups didn’t wear cutoff jean shorts.

Pull yourself together. I needed to find a way to stop crying. I needed to think of kittens or baby goats. Damn it, why did my go to happy place revolve solely around babies?

My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out to see Rob’s name. If anyone in the world could cheer me up, it was him. It felt like the universe had told him that I needed him right now. Maybe having my phone back was a good thing after all. I slid my finger across the screen.

“Hey,” I said.

“I guess James finally gave you all your shit back?”

“Mhm.”

“Did he give you your rings back in some elaborate over the top way? I told him it wasn’t necessary. That you’d remember his original proposal soon enough.”

I looked down at my left hand. The tan lines on my ring finger. Was that why I felt empty? Because James hadn’t given me my rings back? I took a deep breath and closed my hand into a fist. It did feel off. It felt too light. Too meaningless. Why hadn’t he given them back?

“Penny?”

I wasn’t even sure what he had asked. “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

I sniffed. “No. Not really.”

“Fuck. It was bad news? Give it to me straight. Tell me everything. Let me put you on speaker phone so Daphne can hear too.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, there’s no news at all.”

“Oh.” There was an awkward pause. “Then what’s wrong?”

This wasn’t something I should talk about with Rob. It was a conversation I needed to have with James. But technically we’d already had it. He said he was okay that we couldn’t have more children. That he wouldn’t have wanted me to get pregnant again anyway because it was too risky. But I had seen the hope in his eyes for a minute there. That maybe. Just…maybe.

“It’s nothing, Rob. How is Scarlett doing?”

“Scarlett’s fine. Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell that you’ve been crying, and you know that you suck at lying. So spill it.”

I sniffed again. “My shorts don’t fit.”

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