Page 56 of This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness 3)

I felt more wetness. Not the feeling of a kiss at all. It was…was he crying? “James?”

He kissed another of my scars. “I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked.

I sat up, not caring that a random sheet of paper was stuck to my back. Or that I was sitting on someone’s daily planner. Or that I was half naked in a room that someone could easily walk into. Nothing mattered but the man in front of me.

James fell to his knees and kissed the inside of my shin, keeping his eyes downcast.

I tried to stifle the fear gripping my heart. “It’s okay,” I said. “About the publishing deal. I don’t know if I’m going to take it…but I know you did it out of love. I’m sorry that I overreacted.”

He still didn’t look up at me.

I pulled myself off the desk and knelt down beside him. “I’m not mad.” I still would have been if he wasn’t acting like this. But this moment made me realize just how arbitrary being upset really was. I never wanted to cause James to look the way he looked now. I never wanted to cause him pain. I’d forgive him a million times if it meant he’d look at me.

“James.” I lifted his head toward mine. I felt his tears on my fingers even though he was still avoiding my gaze. “James, talk to me.”

A strangled noise escaped his throat. His body heaved up and down. I had never seen him like this. He broke in front of me. The guard he always had up shattered. There was a vulnerability there that he had never let me see before.

I tried to wipe away his tears like he so often did for me. “James.” I was pretty sure my voice sounded as broken as he looked. “Please look at me. Talk to me. What’s wrong?” I felt like I was drowning. Screw cheating. Screw publishing deals. Screw every tiny little thing. Whatever had caused this reaction in James was so much bigger. So much worse.

He slowly lifted his face to mine. “No one ever talks about the consequences of loving someone,” he said. “I didn’t know about the consequences. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.”

Consequences? What was he talking about? “That’s because there aren’t any consequences…”

“Breaking someone?” He immediately shook his head. “Hurting someone? Those are consequences. It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions. But I never realized how much love could hurt the other person.”

“Well those things don’t happen in true love.”

He just stared at me.

“They don’t happen to us. Because no matter what struggles we face we have each other.”

He shook his head.

For some reason I found myself mimicking his actions. “No? Is that what you’re saying? No?”

He just kept shaking his head.

“Well, I don’t accept that. I’ve seen a horrible reality in which we didn’t become an us. I’m not going back to that. You fought so hard for me to remember. And I remember everything. Every little thing. All I know is that it’s you and me against the world, James. Us together. Whatever it is that’s upsetting you, it’s actually inconsequential. I’m sure of it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. It’s you and me, James. It’s you and me. Forever.”

What I said made everything worse. He seemed to be gulping for air. “I’m sorry.”

I shifted closer to him. “I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to call the hospital. Where’s your phone?” I stood up to look around, but he grabbed my hand.

He finally lifted his gaze to mine, locking me in place. He looked tormented. Another ragged breath escaped from his lips. I felt paralyzed as he opened his mouth.

“My surgery didn’t work,” he said.

I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m in pain all the time.”

It felt like my heart stopped beating.

“The physical therapy isn’t helping.”

His words were jumbling in my head.

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