Page 53 of This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness 3)

Nothing. He had nothing to say.

I shook my head. “It’s my fault. I kept postponing our wedding. I wanted to move to New York City first and settle in. I wanted to finish school. I kept delaying it…making you love the chase even more.”

I couldn’t read his expression. Maybe he wasn’t saying anything because he thought I had lost my mind. Or maybe he just cared that little. He had checked out of this conversation five minutes ago. He wasn’t even humoring my questions with responses. He was just staring at me.

“And all those times you’ve been possessive and jealous? Was that just a show? I can’t even count how many times you’ve been a jerk to Tyler for no reason at all. And no wonder. Because your idea of a marriage has blurred lines. So of course you assumed he was cheating on Hailey with me. Because that’s what you would do. You son of a bitch.” I grabbed a drink off a waiter’s passing tray and threw the contents into James’ face.

He looked surprised, but still said nothing as the liquid dropped from his stupid perfect eyelashes.

“Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to not turn to a new vice. Because despite what a prick you are, my heart never changed. I’ve always loved you, you stupid fucking ass-hat. Have fun with the brunette.” I stormed out of the restaurant before I burst into tears.

Chapter 14

Tuesday - James

She thought I cheated on her. I watched the whole scene unfold like I wasn’t even there. As soon as I realized what she thought I was going to discuss, I didn’t even try to correct her. I let her believe it. My chest hurt. She was right. Not about the cheating, but about why I didn’t want her to remember the day she went into labor. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. She was in pain and I wasn’t even in the country.

But cheating on her? Not a chance in hell. Never. I couldn’t ev

en imagine being with another woman. Penny meant everything to me.

I watched her disappear out the front doors of the restaurant. And still I did nothing. I just sat there trying to think of the best way to approach this situation. I grabbed a napkin and wiped off my face. Luckily Penny had grabbed a glass of water instead of a sticky soda or cocktail.

People were staring at me. The whole restaurant had erupted in whispers. I could have run after her. I could have at least walked out and away from the rumors that were already spreading like wildfire.

But I couldn’t move. All I could think about was that maybe this was for the best. My chest hurt all the time. Some nights I’d wake up clutching my chest like my heart was about to explode. I knew something wasn’t right. My cardiologist had mentioned another surgery. He had mentioned the risks. That’s what I wanted to talk to her about tonight. I had to tell her what was going on with me.

I looked down at the wet napkin clutched in my hand. Would it be easier for Penny this way though? If I died with her hating me? I didn’t want to die alone. I pictured her by my bedside holding my hand. Not far away cursing the day I was ever born. I couldn’t imagine her telling our children that I was a cheat. A liar. A bad husband and father. And I couldn’t live another second without her by my side anyway. I cared more about her than life itself.

What the fuck am I doing? I stood up and threw the napkin down on the table. Penny needed to know the truth. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it pained both of us. I couldn’t face this alone. And we needed more time. Time to enjoy our life together. Just more…time. I wasn’t ready to run out of it.

I ran out of the restaurant and looked both ways on Main Street. Where had she gone? A drop of rain fell on the tip of my nose. I glanced up as the sky opened and it began to pour.

I looked down the street at my old apartment building. And then I ran in the opposite direction. I knew my wife, and that wasn’t where she’d go. There was only one place I felt drawn to right now. I let my feet guide me. I was half of a whole. Penny thought that I meant my feelings had changed the day we got married when I was literally talking about the health of my heart. But my heart belonged to her. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when I saw a flash of red entering Smith Hall when I turned onto the green.

She had been stuck in the past for a few weeks. There were so many moments in our relationship that stuck out to me. But the point of no return? It happened in Smith Hall. I was soaked by the time I reached the front doors, and completely out of breath. I put my hands on my knees, gulping for air. The rain continued to fall harder, drawing steam up from the hot sidewalk.

I remembered that night I saw her walking alone on Main Street. She had been wearing this ridiculously short sparkly skirt and a white tank top. Freaking white in the rain. I didn’t stand a chance. My thoughts had already been straying to her whenever I wasn’t focused on planning assignments. But after that? She consumed me. Her shy smile. The way she so easily laughed about her own shortcomings. And the way the rain on her skin made her glisten. Like she was an angel sent here to save me.

And she had saved me. From myself. I was self-destructive and bitterly lonely. I owed her for the life she had given me the past several years. Even if that life got cut short, whatever amount of time I had with her was better than anything without her.

I pushed through the doors and made my way as quickly as I could up the stairs in the darkness. The only light in the building was coming from a room upstairs. A room I was all too familiar with. My wet shoes squished as I stopped in front of my old office. It belonged to someone else now. His belongings were all over the desk and there were certificates on the walls that were once bare. But it still felt the same. Like I was stepping back in time.

I wanted to smile at the memory of her balling up her grade in her fist and throwing it on the floor. Or of her poking me in the middle of the chest calling me out on my shit. Or taking her for the first time, right on top of that very desk.

But it was hard to smile when she was sitting at that same desk crying. Her face was pressed against her arm, her body heaving up and down as she let the grief take over her. I didn’t want to see her grieving now. Not until she needed to be.

“Penny?”

She lifted her head up and looked at me. Her clothes were soaked and mascara was smudged under her eyes. She was a beautiful mess. My beautiful mess. And I wouldn’t let her think otherwise for another second.

I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. “You’re everything to me. Every. Single. Thing.”

“You cheated on me.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Never.”

“You stopped loving me.”

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