Page 9 of This Is Love (The Light to My Darkness 3)

Penny looked the same. She smelled the same. But she wasn’t the same. Was this how people felt when their spouses died? Like their world was caving in around them? That’s how I felt. Like the Penny I knew and loved was gone. Like she had been taken from me far too soon. And I couldn’t get her back. No matter how hard I fucking tried to recreate our lives. Or show her that I cared. None of it mattered. Because one person caring in a relationship wasn’t enough.

It started raining harder. Each drop felt like it seared my skin. I needed to stop before I did something I regretted. I needed to turn around and go back to my apartment. But my feet kept moving forward.

I didn’t want to believe any of this was real. It was like Penny and I were on a broken wheel. Every time something went wrong in our relationship, she went back to Tyler. How many times could she run back to him before it stuck? How many times was she going to try to break me?

It felt like tears were running down my cheeks, but I couldn’t really tell. It was pouring now. I was soaked from head to toe. I wished that I felt numb. I wished I never knew what it was like to feel this way. But if that was true, I never would have felt what it was like to be loved either. To love. I didn’t know how to fucking live without her love.

My feet suddenly stopped. And I knew it wasn’t rain on my cheeks. I broke down in the middle of a busy sidewalk in NYC and started crying. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the ground and let myself cry. I let the grief of losing her overtake me. I let the feeling of hopeless take over.

I saw a dollar bill fall to the ground in front of me. Someone had mistaken me for a homeless person. A small act of compassion should have been able to improve my mood. But it didn’t. It just made me feel worse. Because someone thinking I was homeless was fitting. The dollar bill blurred in front of me. Penny was home to me. And I had lost her. I had lost the only home I had ever really known.

In the blink of an eye the anger overshadowed the pain again. If Penny could remember Tyler, she could remember me. She was just choosing not to. Or something was blocking her. I needed her to see that I was the right choice. And showing up looking like a scraggly, wet homeless man wasn’t going to help. I knew how she’d look at me. Like I was an addict. Like I was broken. Like she was scared of me.

When had I gotten used to her not recognizing me? When had that become more familiar than seeing her look at me with love in her eyes?

None of that mattered. Penny was the reason my heart kept beating. She was the reason that I could breathe. And I’d spend every second of the rest of my life trying to win her back. I needed to fix what I had broken. By breaking Tyler’s nose. I knew it wasn’t logical, but that’s what motivated me to stand back up.

I didn’t care that I was about to show up looking like a crazy man. And no matter what I was about to walk into, I’d forgive her. I’d forgive her and we’d move on. That was the only option. She’ll leave with me, right? She’ll come back home. For me, for our kids.

I pushed into the front lobby of Tyler’s apartment complex and my anger only grew. I had helped him find this place. I had let him move two blocks away from me and my wife. I had been blind to what he was planning.

“Good evening, Mr. Hunter,” said the woman standing in the reception area. “Are you…I mean do you…need a towel? Or…”

I ignored her and walked past the elevators and into the stairwell. Was that why Penny wanted Tyler? Because he was healthy? I’d be fine. I just needed to get back in shape. I walked up one flight of stairs before I had to stop on one of the landings.

Damn it! I slammed the side of my fist against the brick wall. She probably looked at me and saw weakness. My past. My present. I put my hand on my chest. I wasn’t weak. I was healing. I just needed time.

I took another deep breath and forced myself up more stairs.

I’d prove to her that she wasn’t better with Tyler. How had I not known she preferred guys with blonde hair and blue eyes? What was she, a fucking Nazi?

The thought actually made me laugh. The sound echoed around in the empty stairwell. I’m losing my mind. I buried my hands in my hair. I’ve lost it. I laughed again and then coughed as more tears threatened to escape.

Get a grip. I needed to win her back. But I wasn’t opposed to dragging her back to our apartment caveman style. Penny was mine. She was mine. A piece of my heart was inside of her and she was just having trouble remembering. I’d remind her. I had to.

I almost slipped on the next landing from my wet shoes, but I pressed on. When I finally made it to Tyler’s floor I was completely out of breath. But I knew if I stopped moving, I wouldn’t be able to keep going. I’d stop. My heart would stop. Everything would stop.

I knocked on Tyler’s apartment door. When no one answered after probably what was only a second, I knocked even louder. You’re dead, Tyler. Enjoy your last breaths.

The door opened a moment later. But it wasn’t Tyler standing there waiting for my wrath. It was Hailey. “Shh James, I just got Axel to bed.” She held her index finger up to her lips like she was hushing a child. And then she laughed, like she knew she was talking to me like she did her son. She smiled up at me before concern crossed her face. “Is everything alright?” Her eyes scanned me, taking in my wet clothes, and maybe my red eyes.

Poor, sweet, naïve Hailey. She was in the same boat as me. She wouldn’t be looking at me with pity when she found out her spouse was cheating on her too. I was going to fix this problem for both of us. I looked past her into their living room. “Where is he?”

“Who? Tyler or Axel?”

“Right, I’m here because I'm pissed off that your three-year-old son has a crush on my daughter. Yes Tyler.” There was an edge in my voice. Probably because I was actually annoyed about the first thing I mentioned too. My daughter would never end up with a cheating, lying Stevens. We were done with this family. None of them would ever step foot in my home again.

She laughed. Like this was a time for laughing. “I knew you were upset about Axel and Scarlett having cute little crushes on each other. It’s just a kid thing. I think it’s adorable.”

“Where is he?” I wasn’t even listening to what she was saying. I walked past her and peered into their kitchen.

“I told you, I just put him to bed.”

Jesus, this woman was driving me insane. “Not Axel. Tyler! Where is Tyler?”

“Would you keep your voice down? I had to read Axel three bedtime stories and…”

“Where the fuck is he?!”

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