Page 70 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“I’m going to physical therapy. I’ll be fine soon enough.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“Why? So you can make a joke of the whole thing like it doesn’t matter? You were in a coma. You delivered a premature baby. You lost the ability to have more children. It’s not all about you. There’s another side to the story. My wife who I love with every ounce of my being was in a coma for weeks. I thought I was going to lose her. And she delivered a beautiful, helpless, broken little boy into this world without her. I had no fucking idea what I was doing without you. I don’t know how to take care of a baby by myself. Let alone one as tiny and sick as him. And you didn’t just lose the ability to have children. We lost the ability, Penny. We. There is no you and me, we’re an us. We can’t have any more children. If we lose Liam, that’s it. We don’t get another chance. So don’t make light of this situation. It’s not just your life, it’s ours.”

“I’m sorry.” It was a lame apology. It made it seem like I hadn’t listened to a single thing he'd said. Like his pain hadn’t shaken me to my core. “I’m sorry,” I said again, but it sounded just as lame as the first time.

He pulled his arm out of my grip and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t fine. There was nothing fine about his demeanor. I had hurt him. Yet again. Apparently it was all I was capable of doing.

He started walking again and I had to jog to catch up to him.

“James, I do care. I didn’t mean to joke around about what happened. But of course I care.”

“I’m not asking you to care about me. You’ve made it pretty clear that isn’t something you want. All I’m asking is that you’re here for our son.” He stopped again and took a deep breath.

I tried not to cringe. I had the oddest sensation that I was just as likely to lose him as I was to lose Liam. And not in the loving sense. Clearly I had already lost him there. But he looked ill. Was he dying?

James leaned forward. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. My heart started beating so fast I thought it would break out of my ribcage. The one kiss we had shared was seared into my brain. I wanted another. I wanted him to press my back against the car again. I wanted to feel the rain on my skin. I wanted to feel alive. He leaned even closer.

And then he opened up the door behind me, breaking the spell. He moved away as quickly as he had drawn close, and stepped inside of the building. More questions than answers swirled in my head. And now I was the one left out of breath.

Chapter 26

Monday

The bustling and beeping of the hospital died away when I looked into the window of the NICU. I thought I’d recognize my son right away. But I had no idea which baby was Liam. I swallowed hard. The instant connection wasn’t there. I couldn’t even tell which squirming blob was my son.

“You ready?” James asked.

But I barely heard him. I blinked fast, trying to remove the threatening tears. What if I held him and felt the same way? Like he wasn’t a part of me?

“Penny.” James' voice was gentler. He put his hand on my shoulder.

It was like his touch emanated strength. I took a deep breath and turned toward him. He was touching me. He had promised not to, yet here he was. And I was happy that he had broken his word. I nodded my head. “I’m ready.”

He gave me a small smile and then removed his hand in a rush. Maybe he had just remembered his promise. Or maybe my touch did the opposite to him. It zapped the strength out of him instead of reviving him.

I followed him into the room. The first thing I noticed was how much warmer the air was. It wasn’t a pull to my son. Or a realization of which baby he was. No, it was just the sensation that it was warm.

There was a nurse writing something down on a clipboard. She looked up as we entered and a smile crossed her face. “Good morning, Mr. Hunter. Our strong-willed warrior is doing well this morning. He’s been sleeping better at night.” She set her clipboard down and walked over to one of the little incubation cribs.

“Strong-willed warrior?” I asked.

The nursed looked up like she hadn’t seen me. “Yes. That’s what Liam means.”

I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her instead of looking at my baby. But the way she had said that was so condescending.

“And he needs to be strong right now.” She pulled him out. “Don’t you, little man?” she said in a babyish voice. She looked back up at me with her perfect smile that matched her perfect long blonde hair and perfectly tanned skin. “You must be Mrs. Hunter. Would you like to hold him?”

“I…” I looked back and forth between the baby and James. “What is that mask on his face?”

“It’s a CPAP. His lungs weren’t fully developed when he was born so it’s helping him breathe a little easier. But he’ll be breathing on his own in no time.” She looked down at my son. “Won’t you?” she said in her baby voice. “Yes you will, yes you will.”

I swallowed hard. He was so tiny. So so tiny. And he wasn’t just attached to one machine. There were all sorts of tubes and wires everywhere. If I held him, I was afraid it would be like holding a robot.

James didn’t wait for me to decide what I wanted to do. He walked over and took Liam out of the nurse’s arms.

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