Page 67 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

There wasn’t much left on the desk. Just a sleek laptop and a few pens and pencils. I glanced in the waste bin next to the desk. There was an envelope torn in two with James’ name on it along with a few crumpled up pieces of paper. It looked like my handwriting on the envelope. I glanced at the door, knowing well enough that no one else was awake, before lifting the torn envelope and the pieces of paper out of the trash.

I put the two sides of the envelope together. Definitely my handwriting. I un-crumpled the pieces of paper and realized it used to be one sheet. I placed both sides together and read the letter.

James,

If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.

You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.

Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.

Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.

Now smile,

Penny

Smile? Seriously? I realized my hands were shaking as I smoothed the two sides of the note against the top of the desk. What had I been thinking?

I folded the letter in half to hide the words. Clearly I hadn’t been thinking. This was a suicide note, wasn’t it? And it seemed like James had seen it. His name had been on the envelope. He saw it and tried to destroy it. He didn’t want me to see just how depressed I had been.

I thought about the conversation I had overheard between James and Rob a few days ago. He said he used to catch me crying and I’d wipe away the tears and pretend I was okay. He admitted that I wasn’t happy. I looked down at the note. But this unhappy?

Or maybe there was another explanation. If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I shook my head. The whole thing was about death. I was saying goodbye. Why? I looked around the library. What was so awful about this life?

This version of me was married to a handsome man, had an adorable daughter, and another kid on the way. I had written a book. I was wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. So what was so horrid? What was I missing?

Because my current life seemed worse. I had no memory of the life around me. I had a son who was dying. I’d never have any more kids. I took a deep breath. Penny Hunter was a lot better off than Penny Taylor. She had it all. But I was terrified to remember. Not just because it meant giving up my current state of mind, but because it might spiral me into a horrible depression.

I folded up the letter again. And again. Until it was a tiny piece of paper in my hand. James tried to hide parts of my life from me. So what else was he hiding besides the children? What other secrets was he keeping?

I stood up from the chair. I didn’t care that it was early. We needed to talk. I needed to understand everything if had any chance of fixing this. I wandered out of the library and down the hall to the guest room he was sleeping in.

“James,” I said and tapped lightly with my knuckles.

No answer.

“James?” I knocked again.

No answer.

I heard whistling down the hall. It didn’t sound like him. It sounded more like a woman. I abandoned the door and wandered back into the living room. An older woman was standing in front of the couch fluffing pillows and humming.

I glanced at the camera in the corner of the room. Please be watching. “Hello?”

The woman jumped. “Oh, Penny. You gave me a fright, dear. How are you feeling? I made you your favorite breakfast. And I saw that you did a load of towels. You know I would have done that for you. Really, you should be sitting down.” She stepped away from the couch.

“Who are you?” I tried my best for it to not come out rude. She seemed pleasant enough. She reminded me of my mother. But I had no idea what she was doing in James’ apartment.

She put her hand to her chest. “Ellen. Oh, my. James warned me of this but…” she shook her head like she was trying to shake the tears away. “It’s hard to believe without seeing you in person. Please sit. I’ll bring your breakfast to you. You need rest. And fluids. Plenty of fluids.” She bustled off toward the kitchen.

Ellen? Who the heck was Ellen? It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Before I even realized what was happening, I was sitting on the couch with a huge omelet and freshly squeezed orange juice in front of me. I didn’t know what to say. I had already asked her who she was and her explanation hadn’t helped at all. “Um…where is James?”

“He’s used to going for a run every morning. So he’s been…” her voice trailed off. “You can ask him yourself when he gets back. He’ll be home shortly. Aren’t you hungry, dear?”

That was weird. But it wasn’t worth asking her about it. There was no way she’d tell me what he was doing instead of running. Everyone loved keeping me in the dark. And she asked me if I was hungry in a terrible segue for a reason. I looked down at the omelet. Honestly, I was a little hungry. But I was a little more suspicious. “So…what is it that you do?”

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