Page 63 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“It’s pretty clear that kids are something that you want. It’s something I wanted.” I looked down at my hands. “So you’re going to go back to New York and I’m going to stay here. Well, not here. I’ll probably go home to my parents’ house until I get back on my feet. And you can forget all about me. It’s for the best.”

“Baby.” He tilted my face back up to his and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. “I could never forget about you.” His hands felt so warm compared to the cool summer rain.

“You have to. I don’t know who I am. And the only thing I knew I wanted in my future was just taken away. I can’t focus on a relationship right now. I need to figure out what I want, uninfluenced by anyone else. I have to start over.”

He pressed his lips together. He didn’t say anything at all. But he also didn’t let go of me.

“It’s late, James. You promised Rob you’d be back.”

“I wasn’t actually talking to Rob this morning.” His voice sounded strained.

“I know. I’m not an idiot. And I’m telling you it’s okay. I just want you to be happy.”

“I fucked this whole thing up.” He let go of my face and ran his fingers through his hair. “I was told that I should wean you into your life slowly. And I thought it was a good idea, because I wanted you to remember me. Just me. But it’s not just about me.”

“James…”

“You can’t leave, Penny. I can’t do this on my own.”

“Of course you can…”

“But it’s not just me that needs you. We already have two beautiful children.”

What?

“Our daughter is the spitting image of you. You met her in the hospital. But you were freaking out. And everyone said it was best if I waited to tell you. But she misses you. You have to come home. For her, not for me. And you have a son. A newborn. He was born early and…” his voice broke. “We don’t know if he’s going to make it. That’s what I’ve been doing when we’re not together. I’m visiting our daughter at my brother’s apartment. And I’m spending every other second at the hospital soaking up any moment with my son that I can because I don’t know if he’s going to wake up tomorrow. And you can’t leave me. You can’t leave us.”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“And you were right, I’ve never called Rob pumpkin in my life until this afternoon. I was talking to our daughter. I’m not cheating on you. I’d never cheat on you. And I don’t care if you can’t have any more children. The ones we have are all I need. And we need to go home so that we can spend time with them. They both need you way more than they need me.”

It was raining, and I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he was crying.

Everything he said made sense. The doctor I had talked to said he thought I lost a baby. But I hadn’t lost him yet. He was in a hospital somewhere, waiting to meet me. Possibly dying. And I remembered the little redheaded girl. It felt like my veins turned to ice. I thought I had dreamed about her. I thought I was seeing myself from my past. Was it possible that she was real? She had called me Mom. She had looked at me with so much love. And she ran to me like there was no one in the world she loved more.

“I can’t.” I was surprised that those two words came out of my mouth. James had just put everything on the line, and I said: "I can’t"? I shook my head. “I…” I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t seem to.

“I know that was a lot to drop on you. I know you’re scared. But you’re stronger than you know.”

I closed my eyes. “I can’t.” Why did I keep saying that? It wasn’t a choice now. I had to go back. It wasn’t about whether or not I loved James. It was so much more than that. I had kids?

“I’ll sleep in one of the guest rooms,” he said.

That wasn’t why. I shook my head. I liked waking up to his arms around me. I liked the way he smelled. I liked the way he looked at me.

“I won’t touch you at all, if that’s what you want.”

I opened my eyes. And I definitely liked when he touched me. His skin against mine made me feel alive. Like he ignited a spark in me I didn’t know existed. So I don’t know why the word “okay,” came out of my mouth so quickly. I don’t know why I agreed. It wasn’t what I wanted.

“So you’ll come back?” He sounded so hopeful and distraught at the same time.

I stared at him getting soaked in the rain, looking as helpless as I felt. “For them.” Again, I didn’t know why I said it. Was I purposely trying to hurt him? Or was I trying to convince myself that he had nothing to do with my reason for going back to New York?

“Of course. For them.” He stepped back toward me, but didn’t take me in his arms. “Let’s go home.”

PART 3

Chapter 24

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