Page 53 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“I don’t know what you want from me, Penny. Do you want me to say that I hate that you don’t remember me? That you don’t remember us?” He walked over toward me. “That I feel like I’m living in a daze? That I don’t understand how you could possibly run away from what we have? That it felt like I died last night when I couldn’t find you?” He stopped a few inches in front of me. “What? Is that what you want? Then fine. I’m furious with you. But I can’t hate you because I love you too fucking much.” He looked up at the ceiling like he didn’t want me to see his expression. When he titled his face back toward me, his eyes were closed. “It hurts to look at you when you don’t look at me the way you used to.”

With love. I looked at him like a stranger would. Because that’s what I was. A passerby in his life. Nothing more. I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but I reached out and touched his cheek.

He inhaled sharply. As if my touch shocked him like his shocked me. Like it ignited something inside of him. Images of my dream returned. His lips on mine, his fingers on my skin. I immediately removed my hand.

“Come home.” It wasn’t a command. It was a plea. He opened his eyes and stared at me.

“I feel more at home here than I do in New York.”

“Maybe that’s because we lived here together for a short time.”

“You mean in this apartment? And you kept it?”

“Rob moved in for a while. But when he left, I couldn’t make myself sell it. Sometimes we come here to reminisce.”

“That’s not why I feel at home here. I remember being here for school. I remember loving classes. This campus was the last place I felt like I belonged.”

“It’s also where we met.”

Why wasn’t he understanding? I wasn’t drawn to Newark because of him. I was drawn here to get away from him. “But I don’t remember that. I’m sorry.”

“Let me try to remind you.”

I shook my head. “You told Rob you’d be back tonight. I’m not going to keep you.”

“I do need to be back tonight. But it’s only 11 am. We have all day. Please, Penny. Just give me one day to try to remind you of what we have.”

His dark brown eyes looked so hopeful. He had handed me his broken heart and was waiting for me to put the pieces back together again. I needed to tell him I didn’t know how. I needed to tell him that I wanted time and space, but then he grabbed my hand.

“Please, Penny.” He ran his thumb along the inside of my palm. “All I’m asking for is one chance.”

My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. It was beating so loudly I swore he could hear it. “And I can stay here tonight if I want?”

He smiled, but it looked pained. “I would never force you to come back with me. If what you want is here…” he squeezed my hand and shook his head. “Promise me you’ll try.” He looked down at my lips and then immediately looked back at my eyes.

I took a deep breath. “Okay.”

The smile that broke over his face was real this time. “Okay.” He dropped my hand. “First up, waffles. Homemade Eggo waffles.”

I laughed. “Are they homemade or are they Eggo waffles?” I sat down at the kitchen island.

He grabbed two plates and brought them over. “Well, I toasted them. They may be slightly freezer burnt because we haven’t been here in awhile. But I’m sure they’re fine.”

“You really know how to woo a girl.”

He put his elbows on the counter and leaned forward. “You have no idea.”

The way he said it was suggestive enough. But then his eyes gravitated to my lips again. And God, I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me. I remembered what it was like to be kissed by him and there was no better feeling in the world. I looked down at my waffle. No, I didn’t remember. I had dreamed of it. There was a huge difference.

I took a huge bite of my waffle and kept my eyes glued to my plate. I didn’t deserve the way he looked at me. Because it didn’t matter how today went. Tonight, I’d tell him about my surgery. I’d tell him it was best he moved on. And we’d part ways forever.

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nbsp; Chapter 21

Sunday

I didn’t know why I was nervous. This wasn’t a real date. It was a re-do of something I didn’t remember. But I felt a sense of peace as I pulled the sundress over my head. I was giving James what he wanted. He’d be happy all day. Before I pull the rug out from under him. I shook away the thought as I turned toward the mirror. It was the third dress I had tried on. This one flared out slightly above my waist, which hid my bloated stomach. I touched my belly. Not bloated. I had been pregnant. It still didn’t seem real. It felt like I’d remember such a momentous occasion. It was the only time I’d ever know what it was like to carry a child. And I couldn’t recall any of it.

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