Page 8 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“I can’t sleep without you beside me. You know that.”

I hadn’t meant in my bed. I meant here. In existence. “I know nothing about you.” I inched farther away.

“Penny, you know me. If you’d just take a second to truly look at me I know you’ll remember.”

I kept scooting away from him until my ass was hanging off the edge of the bed.

“Look in my eyes and tell me you feel nothing.”

I locked eyes with him. It was true, his arms had made me feel safe. Secure. Warm. But I hadn’t known it was him. I thought it was Austin. That was the only reason why I had felt that way. I tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of my mind. The one that was screaming that when James released me from his embrace, I had never felt so cold in my entire life. My skin pebbled with goosebumps. It was like my body was trying to tell me I needed him. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember him. To remember anything that he claimed to be true.

But there was nothing there. Yes, he was handsome. I couldn’t deny that. Any woman would be lucky to have him. But he wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. Everything he claimed was true couldn’t possibly be. I scooted even further away, forgetting that there wasn’t any more room, and started to fall off the bed.

He grabbed my waist before I fell, and pulled me back onto the mattress. This time I didn’t think his touch was comforting. It was electrifying. Like he had just slapped me with a bug zapper. What the hell was that?

I climbed off the bed, pointing at him accusatorily. “You can’t just sneak in here and…and…hold me in the middle of the night, you psycho.”

He sat up in the bed but didn’t respond. His t-shirt was slightly wrinkled, and it somehow made the guilty look on his face even more extreme. He was sad and lost and…I wasn’t sure why I cared so fucking much.

I buried my fingers in my hair. “God, this was supposed to be a dream. Why haven’t I woken up? What the hell is happening?” I reached down and pinched myself. Ow. I stared at the other side of the bed where James had just stood up. I pinched myself again. Ow. Why wasn’t he disappearing? Go away!

I started walking back and forth. “You’re not real, and I don’t know why I can’t make you go back into my imagination. Not that I’ve been imagining you. I’d imagine someone my own age would want to marry me. At some point. Way in the future. Not any time soon. I’m too young to be married.”

“Penny.” He started walking around the bed.

“I’m 19. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see that I’m too young for whatever the hell this is?” I gestured back and forth between us. “You’re 34.”

“Penny.” He stopped a few feet away from me, giving me the space I desperately needed.

I flung open the blinds to see that the city was still below me and started pacing faster. “What the hell am I doing in New York City? I hate the city. I hate it here. I wouldn’t choose to be here unless I lost my mind!” I realized I was waving my hands around, but couldn’t stop.

“We decided that…”

“We?” I said. “There is no we. And all those people I met yesterday? Those aren’t my friends. And you’re not my husband. This,” I said and pointed to my ring finger. “Was just a terrible self-tanner accident. We’re not married. It’s impossible. And whatever is going on with my skin,” I gestured to my face, “is a weird hospital mirror trick. I don’t have wrinkles next to my eyes. Teenagers don’t have wrinkles.”

“They’re laugh lines,” James said. “And I love them. I love every part…”

I held up my hand so he wouldn’t come any closer. “What, you’re telling me you love this?” I gestured to my beer belly. “Am I just fat or did something happen to me? Did I lose my liver? Do livers make you sane? Why can’t I remember what the fuck a liver does?” I was screaming now. Screaming, pacing, and flailing my arms around like a maniac.

“Penny, if you’d just calm down I can tell you everything you want to know.”

“I don’t want you to tell me. I want the doctors to tell me. You’re not even real. I’ve just lost my damned mind.”

“Penny, please…” He reached out for me, his hand connecting with my forearm.

I felt the same shock as before. He was strong. And kind and patient. I wanted to be able to lean into him and let him fix everything. But I couldn’t lean on a figment of my imagination. “I’ve lost my mind.” I rushed past him toward the door.

“Penny, don’t go out there…”

But I had already flung the door open and was running out of the room. I needed fresh air. I couldn’t breathe in this hospital.

“Penny, stop!”

I flung open a door at the end of the hall. Strangers turned toward me from their seats in the waiting room. No, not complete strangers. I had met several of them yesterday. Some of James’ friends. His father. My eyes landed on my parents. Thank God. I was just about to yell for my mom, but someone beat me to it.

“Mommy!”

I turned around to see a little girl with bright red hair running toward me. I saw another reflection of myself. A younger version of me. She looked exactly like I did when I was a kid. And I felt something snap in my head. Like any sanity I had left had evaporated.

---