Page 62 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

"Was this how our first kiss happened?” I whispered. “In the rain?”

Instead of responding, he quickly grabbed the back of my neck and let his lips meet mine. His kiss was full of passion, passion that he had been holding back just as much as I had. He pressed his body against mine and lightly pushed me so that my back was on the cold, wet steel of the car. He leaned into me. The contrast of the heat from his body and the coolness of the car sent a spark through me. I had never wanted someone so badly before. I let my hands wander beneath the neckline of his shirt. His skin was so soft.

His lips pulled away from mine and he groaned softly in my ear. “I’ve been haunted by the night I first kissed you. I couldn’t resist. And just one taste was never enough. It never could have been.” He leaned down and kissed me again. Softer this time. Slow and loving. And it was somehow even more intense than his rough, passionate kiss. I had crossed the line. And knew I needed to step back before I was too far gone.

I pressed my hands against his chest, pushing him away. “I can’t.”

He cringed. “I’m sorry. I should have waited. I just…”

“No.” I tried to steady my breathing. “The kiss was amazing. That’s not…” I let my voice trail off. “James, I can’t come back with you. I can already see myself slipping into this life that I don’t know. I can see myself falling for you. I can see you becoming my whole world.”

“And why does it sound like you think that’s so horrible?”

“Because it’s a life I’ve been given. Not a life I found.” God, this was coming out wrong. My mind was all foggy from the kiss. I shook my head. “I’m staying here. I don’t want to go back to New York. That’s all that I’m trying to say.”

“If you’re staying here, then so am I. I’ll figure out a way. We just need more time. I believe in us. We…”

“How am I supposed to find myself if everything’s already carved out for me?” I wiped away the tears beneath my eyes before they had a chance to mix with the rain. “I don’t know how to be in this world. Your world. I need to find myself.”

He placed his hand on the side of my face. “Find yourself with me.”

“James…”

“You’ll search your whole life and never find anything as good as what we have. I promise you. I swear it’s true. Just give our life together a chance.”

“I have. That’s what today was all about. And it was wonderful, but I didn’t feel like me. I don’t know how to explain it.” I shook my head. “Maybe you’re right about everything. But I’m not going to force you to take that journey with me as I find myself.”

“You wouldn’t be forcing me. I’m offering to stay.”

“What about your obligations?”

He dropped his hand from my face, like he knew I was right. He had a life outside of me. And he needed to get back to it.

“It’s for the best, James.” The rain between us made this feel final. We were already drifting farther away from each other.

“In no world is us being apart for the best.”

In this case it was. Time healed everything. It would put his heart back together again. He’d be fine without me. I took a deep breath. “One day you’re going to want a family. And I can?

?t give that to you.” He was older than me. Certainly he was thinking about having children sometime soon. Telling him that was my way out. But hearing the words out loud made it seem so real.

“You can. You just…don’t want to with me? Is that what you’re saying?”

The pain on his face made my tears fall faster. I prayed he thought it was the rain instead of me falling apart. “No.” Maybe. “I can’t have kids. Ever. With anyone.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I saw a doctor about the scars on my stomach. He told me about my surgery.”

James shook his head. “That doctor is wrong. We’ll get a second opinion. We can…”

“You didn’t know?” I searched his face. How had he not known? Wouldn’t the doctors have told him when I was unconscious?

Something seemed to dawn on his face. “They told me they removed something. That some of the damage was irreparable. But I wasn’t listening. I was more focused on whether or not you were going to wake up.”

“They removed both my ovaries. I’ll never be able to have children.” I tried to keep my voice flat, even though all I wanted was for him to hug me and tell me everything would be alright. Everything could never be alright for me. But it could be for him.

He looked as devastated as I felt. And he stayed completely silent, like he was already slipping away from me. It wasn’t easy to walk away from him. But I had to.

---