Page 48 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“No, ma’am. Not at all. You’re quite thin. I’m merely suggesting that you may not have even realized you were pregnant. That’s not unheard of, especially for someone’s first pregnancy when it’s not planned.”

I was pregnant? No, that’s impossible. I’d know. I’d feel different. “I’d think I’d know if I had a kid. Wouldn’t I be…leaking?” I gestured to my breasts. Milk wasn’t spilling out of them. Clearly I didn’t have a baby to breastfeed.

“It’s likely that you had a miscarriage then. It’s my best guess for why you’d have a bilateral oophorectomy, especially since you have no familial medical history of ovarian cancer.”

“Okay.” Okay? Nothing about this conversation was okay. “But what does that mean? What does the surgery involve? Are there any complications that I should be looking out for? Is there anything I can’t do now?” I felt fine. I really did. I was already pulling my shirt down, ready to get as far away as possible from this doctor. I didn’t even believe him. There was no way I’d had a miscarriage. But maybe that would explain the grief in James’ eyes. It would explain why he was so broken.

“The surgery entails the removal of both your ovaries.”

“Okay.” Why did I keep saying okay, damn it? I swallowed hard. “What does that mean?” But I knew what ovaries were for. At least, what I had learned in health class in high school. Ovaries made eggs. They controlled hormones. They were really important. Why had they removed both of mine? Why not one? I started blinking fast. “That’s okay, right? I can take medicine to control my hormones?” God, maybe this was why I kept crying.

“Of course. Your lifestyle won’t change at all after you’ve healed a few more weeks. It’s very manageable. But…” his voice trailed off. There was kindness in his eyes as his face morphed into a look of pure sympathy.

“What?” my voice came out as a whisper. I knew it was bad. I knew it, but I needed him to say it.

“It also means that you won’t be able to have any children, Gwendolyn. I’m so sorry.”

There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t seem to go away. I blinked fast, willing my tears not to spill. There was never a time in my life when I hadn’t thought I’d be a mother one day. Not now. Of course not now. But one day. I played with dolls way longer than my other friends growing up. I loved the idea of kids and babies, even though I hadn’t spent much time with them. No time, really. But I wanted them. Desperately. I knew it, because now that I had been told I couldn’t, I felt like I was breaking.

“I know this is hard to hear. Especially if you just suffered through a miscarriage. I have a counselor I can recommend you to see. It’s good to have someone to talk to as you digest this information.”

“That’s okay.” I slid off the exam table.

“Ms. Alabaster, do you have someone you can talk to?”

I flinched at my fake name. “Of course.” But I didn’t even believe the words out of my mouth. I didn’t expect him to believe me either.

“Your boyfriend perhaps? The man waiting for you in the living room?”

“Yeah.”

“If I was the father, I’d want to know.” He gave me a kind smile.

Did James know? I bit the inside of my lip. Was he even the father? He said I wasn’t happy. What if I had cheated on him? There were too many what ifs. And really, none of the questions running through my head mattered. The baby had died. And the one thing I wanted in life had just been stripped from me. I’d never have children. Ever. “I have to go.” I fled the exam room without waiting to see if he had any more to say.

“Everything good?” Brendan asked as he set down the magazine he’d been flipping through.

“Peachy.” Again, I didn’t believe my own words. I didn’t know how to numb the pain I was feeling. Leaving wouldn’t help. Moving to California wouldn’t erase my medical history no matter how sunny it was. Drowning my sorrows in booze for one night wouldn’t help either. But it would certainly make me feel better right now. “I need a drink.”

He frowned as he stood up. “Was it bad news?”

Everything I learned about my current life was bad news. One thing after the next. I took a deep breath. But Brendan wasn’t the person who I could open up to. It should be James. He was the one that cared about me. Did he know all of this already?

James was handsome. And rich. And super successful. I was so much younger than him. A classic trophy wife. If he knew I couldn’t have children, he wouldn’t have been trying so hard for me to remember our lives together. He’d be trading me in for a younger model. That’s what people like him did.

“Do you have James’ number?” I asked, ignoring his question.

“Yeah. Have you changed your mind about calling him?”

“I thought about what you said, and you’re right, I do need to let him know that I’m safe. But I want to call him from a payphone. And I want to be a few drinks in when I do it. Let’s go to Kildare's.”

“Kildare's closed a few years ago.”

“What do you mean Kildare's closed? It was the best! What the hell happened to this campus? It’s gone to shitsville. None of the changes they’ve been making are necessary.”

He laughed. “I know. But the university doesn’t have control over which establishments stay on Main Street. And there are plenty of other bars we could go to.”

“Let’s do Grottos then. And don’t you dare tell me Grottos closed too. I’ll lose it.”

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