Page 44 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

I drove for awhile longer and saw a sign for I-95. If anything felt like fate, that did. I was sick of the winding roads. I’d just be careful not to speed. And I’d at least know where I was.

I merged onto the highway. And despite trying to just drive for the purpose of getting farther away, I found myself following signs to Newark. It was like I was being drawn toward the University of New Castle. Maybe I just needed to see it for myself. See the changes around campus to further prove that I had lost seven years of my life.

***

I drove along Main Street looking for somewhere to park without a meter. I didn’t have any money, so I’d be sleeping in my car again tonight. It would be best if I wasn’t outside someone’s house that would call the cops.

I pulled the car to a stop on one of the side streets. I looked out the window. Melissa had dragged me to a frat party here once. All the occupants were probably home for the summer. And even if there was anyone living there during summer semester, I doubted that they’d care about my car being here. They’d probably take pictures with it and pretend they met Batman. Or call for it to be towed away.

But I didn’t have much of a choice. The car was running on empty. I wasn’t going anywhere until I found a pawnshop to sell the watch I had stolen. I cut the gas and climbed out of the car, pulling my duffel bag with me. I couldn’t afford to let it get towed away with the car. My only possessions were in that bag. Sort of. I didn’t recognize any of the clothes I had packed. And judging from my supposed life, I certainly hadn’t paid for any of my clothing. None of that mattered though. I was finally free. I smiled as I started walking along Main Street. Everything felt so familiar.

The only time I had been to the University of New Castle in the summer was when I came to tour it before applying. Not that I needed the tour. I always figured I’d come here. Both my parents had. And it wasn’t like I had the urge like so many other Delawareans to get the hell out of town. I liked it here. No, I loved it here. I breathed in a deep breath of fresh air. So much better than New York.

I turned off Main Street, down the familiar path toward my dorm. I felt more like myself here than I ever had in New York. No expectations. No stranger trying to force me to remember a person that wasn’t me.

The thought of James’ voice when he was banging on the bathroom door clouded my mind. He’d know I didn’t kill myself once he saw that bathroom was empty, right? When he saw one of his cars was gone? He’d know.

I didn’t want him to be depressed that I’d died. I wanted him to move on, knowing that I chose to leave him. He clearly needed a fresh start. He needed someone that could make him laugh more. I smiled at the thought. He had a nice laugh.

Why am I thinking about him? I looked down at the brick walkway. Part of me did think I’d suddenly remember everything once I stepped back on campus. I thought it would come back in a rush. My meeting James. Falling for him. Deciding to leave everything I knew and loved.

But all I remembered was studying nonstop. And wishing Austin would like me as much as I liked him. I kept walking. Maybe seeing Austin would change things. I shook away the thought. It wouldn’t. Seeing Melissa hadn’t changed anything, and she knew me better than anyone. Life as I knew it was over. But I had a chance to be anything I wanted now. I wasn’t tied down in a place that didn’t feel like home. I was free.

I came to a stop in front of a huge statue of a book in the middle of a circular walking path that I remembered being statue-less. What the hell? It was the stupidest thing I had ever seen. You used to be able to stand in the middle of the circle and clap, and you could hear the clap under a tree off the side of the path. It was awesome and like a secret University of Newcastle student and alumni thing. Now? Ruined. Everything was ruined.

I turned around in a circle. There were new dorm buildings in the distance. And everything seemed to have been added on to. Why couldn’t anyone see that it was fine the way it was? I barely even recognized parts of campus anymore. I felt tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Why had I come here? I couldn’t remember anything. And the campus had kept growing without me. It was different, and stupid, and ugly. Nothing was the same.

Maybe my dorm will be. I picked up my pace and followed the path. If I kept my eyes on the bricks beneath my feet, campus felt the same. They hadn’t changed, even though everything else had. I looked up in order to cross the street and my feet stopped. My dorm was the same. But right behind it was a new massive twenty-some-stories dorm building. My dorm even looked like it was being shaded by the monster building. It was probably only a matter of time before it was knocked down and replaced by something new and shiny.

Screw this. I didn’t need to be here to be reminded that my memory was missing key parts of my life. I started walking back toward Main Street. A fresh start meant going somewhere I didn’t know. Maybe I could go to California. The thought was preposterous. And that’s how I knew how right it was. It was something I’d never do, and therefore the perfect thing to do. I could reinvent myself. And no one would know who I was. I’d disappear.

I thought about James screaming again. Would he let me disappear? Would he try to find me? Stop thinking about him.

“Penny?” called a deep voice from behind me.

Son of a bitch. I hadn’t been on this campus in years. Who could possibly recognize me? I picked up my pace. I wasn’t going to have anyone dragging me back to New York. Hopefully they’d think they had the wrong person.

“Penny.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I thought that was you. I didn’t realize you were even out of the hospital yet. How are you feeling? When I heard what happened, I was so worried. Did you get the flowers I sent?”

“You have the wrong person.” I shrugged his hand away without looking at him.

He laughed. “I think I know the beautiful Penny Hunter when I see her. I was at your wedding for Christ’s sake.”

My tears had already been threatening to spill. And hearing him call me Penny Hunter was the tipping point. “That’s not my name.” I felt my tears streaming down my cheeks. “My name is Penny Taylor. And I’m not married. I’ve never been married. And I’m not even sure if I ever want to be married now.” I doubt he could even understand me through my sobs. Finally, I looked up at him and wished I wasn’t crying. I wished I had brushed my teeth this morning and hadn’t slept in a car. He was beautiful.

But not as beautiful as James. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks. It made more tears come. Had I made a mistake by running? The memory of James’ broken sobs made me cry harder. I knew I hadn’t. I knew getting out of New York City was the right thing to do. So why was I crying?

“Penny? Jesus, what happened? What’s wrong?”

I didn’t care who he was. He knew me. Or at least, a version of me. And I was almost out of gas. I had no phone. Nowhere to sleep. No food. No money. And no pawnshop to trade the watch I had stolen for cash. It felt like we were supposed to run into each other today. He had to help me. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to. “I need your help.”

“Of course. Whatever you need. Is James here too?” He looked over my shoulder like he was waiting for James to appear.

“No.” I shook my head. “And he can’t know that I’m here. Please, don’t tell him.”

“Why? What happened?”

“I just need some cash. If you write down your name and address I can repay you as soon as I get settled. I touched my shoulder, for some reason thinking a purse had magically appeared there. But I only had my duffel bag and I knew for a fact that I didn’t pack a pen or notepad. “I don’t have a pen or paper. But if you have a pen, you could write it on my hand. I swear I’ll pay you back. I promise.”

---