Page 31 of A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness 2)

“Me? I find that hard to believe.”

“We kept running into each other outside of class. And when we were in class, you flirted with me. You showed up at my office hours unannounced. You ingrained yourself in my mind and wouldn’t leave.”

“You’re saying that it’s my fault? You were the adult in the situation.”

“I’m not saying it was your fault. This is coming out wrong.” He grabbed my hands again. “Penny, I tried to do the right thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You completely possessed me. It was hard enough keeping you out of my thoughts during the day, but then at night I’d dream of you in my bed with me. I couldn’t control it. And I didn’t just want you. It felt like I needed you in my life. Like you were the answer to all my problems. It wasn’t your fault at all. It was mine. I could have squashed your flirtations. I could have ignored you. I could have not flirted back. But I didn’t. I wanted you to want me despite how wrong it was. And I still have a hard time thinking about what I did. I know it was wrong. But I don’t regret it either because I don’t know how to live without you.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him he should regret it. That he tore me away from the school I loved. From the town I loved. From everything I knew. “If you loved me as much as you say, why didn’t we just wait? I could have finished school there.”

“We were going to. But it got complicated rather quickly. I was going through a divorce and…”

“You’ve been married before?” I never in my life thought I’d be someone’s second choice in the end. I had been second my whole life. The thought of Austin blowing me off made me want to cry. I'd gone from one jerk to the next.

“I never loved her. It wasn’t like our relationship at all.”

“If you didn’t love her then why did you marry her?” I didn’t know why I was jealous. I didn’t even like James. But my mind was already running a million miles a second. Was she prettier than me? Skinnier? Did she still have all her memories intact?

“My parents were very controlling. And I…” he let his voice trail off. “I was numb to the world. I had given up on happiness at a pretty early age. My life was laid out for me. And I didn’t fight it like I should have.”

“Why were you numb to the world?”

“Penny, I wanted to talk about how in love we are and how perfect we are for each other. I brought you here to try and help remind you…”

“I don’t want to be given some lies about how our life was a fairytale, James. I overheard you talking to Rob. You said I wasn’t happy. I don’t want to hear some dream you made up…”

“I didn’t make any of this up. We were happy. Baby, we were so happy.”

“Then why were you numb to the world?”

“That was before I met you…”

“But it’s still a part of who you are. You can’t tell me the good and keep away the bad. You said you’d be honest with me. And I want to know about this.”

“I was depressed, okay?” He stood up, like the idea of being so close to me made it hard for him to breathe. “Before I became a professor, I was working at a job I hated with a wife I loathed. I contemplated ending my miserable life.”

I looked up at him. “So what changed?” Don’t say me. Don’t say I saved you. His conversation with Rob tumbled through my head. Don’t put it all on me.

“I turned to teaching because it was something I was actually passionate about.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I gave it up for you. Because you’re the only thing I love in this world more.”

Damn it.

“I swear to you, Penny, we were so happy.”

“So why’d we stop being happy?”

“Because you’re everything to me. But I’m not enough for you.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked over at the tree. “I was broken when I met you. I’ve had issues with substance abuse and depression. My life was a series of bad events until you fell into my arms.”

I’m married to a divorced addict? God. Had I known about his issues all along? Or had he hidden them from me like he had been trying to do now? I watched a tear slide down his cheek before he quickly brushed it away. And suddenly my questions didn’t matter.

“You’ve always been the light to my darkness, Penny.” He continued to stare at the tree instead of me. “And I think you finally realized that you deserved more light in your life than a man like me could possibly give you.”

My heart shattered. I didn’t even know him, but his words broke me. I felt big, fat tears roll down my cheeks. “You know…I think I could eat. If you still want to.” I wiped the tears away before he turned back toward me.

He smiled like I was giving him hope. And I’m pretty sure he pieced my heart back together just as quickly as he shattered it.

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