Page 101 of The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness 1)

I buried my face in her hair. How was I supposed to answer her? How was I supposed to look at her? How was I supposed to console her when I couldn't even look at her? "She's okay, pumpkin," I said into her hair and held her tighter. "She's going to be fine," I lied.

"I want Mommy."

Me too. God, me too. The image of Penny's pale face seared through my mind. It was haunting.

"Sir, you need to come with us," one of the security guards said.

"He's not going to go through the doors again," my father said.

An argument pursued, but I blocked it out.

"Daddy, I want Mommy," Scarlett mumbled into my neck.

"I know, pumpkin." I tried to keep my voice even. "But we have to wait a little bit."

"No, I want Mommy."

Her words made the reality settle around me. What if she never got to see her mother again? What if I never got to? Scarlett no longer felt comforting in my arms. She felt heavy. Suddenly she seemed more like a burden than a blessing. Why couldn't I look at her? The side of my face twitched again.

"He needs a wristband if he's staying," the security guard said. "It'll just take a minute, but he needs to come with me."

I couldn't keep holding Scarlett. I couldn't keep pretending I knew how to comfort her when my world was dark. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "I need you to go sit with Ellen, okay?"

"No." She gripped me tighter.

"Dad, can you take her?" I asked.

"Of course." My father reached down and lifted her out of my arms.

"No! Daddy!" she screamed and started crying.

I turned away without looking at her.

"Daddy!" she cried as I quickly followed the security guard out of the waiting room.

I usually couldn't stand to hear her cry. I doted on her all the time. I spoiled her, just like Penny said. But right now, I could barely hear her cries. They sounded muffled. And I was very aware of the fact that it felt like the world was becoming blurry. My chest hurt when I took a breath. Penny always made it easy to breathe.

I winced at Scarlett screaming for me, but I didn't turn back. I needed a minute. I just needed one fucking minute.

***

I blinked as a hospital bracelet was fastened to my wrist. I stared at the man who was warning me I wouldn't get another chance. But I didn't seem to be able to process his words.

"You can go now," he said, irritably, like it wasn't the first time he had spoken the words.

I slowly walked back toward the stairs. Everything felt methodical. Like I wasn't really there. Like it wasn't real. But then I took a deep breath before I pushed through the doors back into the waiting room. And suddenly it felt real. It felt like I'd never get to see Penny again.

I dropped my hands from the door, sat down on the stairs, and I cried. I cried because I had a beautiful daughter. I had family. I had friends. But I wanted none of it. I'd trade it all for one more moment with Penny. One more kiss. One more fucking breath.

Because, God, I couldn't breathe. I put my hand on the side of my face, trying to stop the twitching. How was I supposed to breathe without her?

Chapter 36

Monday

My hands were shaking as I splashed water on my face. I gripped the sides of the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was whole when I left for London. But there was a broken man staring back at me now. I knew what this looked like. I was all too familiar with it.

It had always been my fear. The darkest one. The one I didn't know how to let go of. The one that no amount of goodness could erase. I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't see the twitch of my eye. Because the truth was, my supply had just run out. And I needed a fix. I needed to kiss her lips. I needed to smell her hair. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I gripped the sink even harder. Penny had always been my drug. Taste. Touch. Smell. Sight. Sound. She was everything. Without her, I had nothing left.

---