Page 88 of The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness 1)

There was a long pause. "Why are you crying?"

I looked up at the camera. I forgot that he could see me. Did he know I had hit speaker phone? I'm sure the camera was the best quality. But it was just a small button. He probably didn't know. "I miss you so much. And I'm...hungry."

He laughed. "Then eat something."

"There's nothing to eat. I'm out of ice cream."

"Put it on the list for Ellen tomorrow. And I'm flying back tomorrow afternoon. Just a few meetings early and then I'm done."

I didn't try to hold back my smile. I beamed up at the camera. "You should have started the conversation with that."

"It would have been harder to convince you to have phone sex if you knew I'd be back tomorrow."

I shook my head. "Were they watching?"

There was another awkward pause. "I told you that they don't watch. They just...glance."

"Maybe it's time to get rid of the cameras altogether? I'd feel so much more comfortable if they were gone."

"We can talk about it when I get back."

"I should let you get some sleep."

"I love you, Penny. So much. And you're still feeling okay? No swollen ankles or..."

"I actually feel really great. No chest pains at all today. I'm good."

He exhaled slowly, like he had been holding his breath. "I'll be back before you know it."

"And I'll be waiting. Goodnight, James." I looked up at the camera.

"I love you with all my heart. I'll finally be able to smile again when you're back in my arms. Goodnight, Penny."

Smile again? "James." But no response came. He had already hung up.

Chapter 30

Sunday

I remembered James' proposal like it happened yesterday. I hated being away from him. And most of all, I hated having to sleep without him. I was terrible at sleeping alone, constantly reaching out for him, being jarred awake by my hand touching empty sheets. So I had skipped ahead in the book I was writing. To one of my favorite moments. Him proposing. But now I felt as jarred as when I touched empty sheets.

"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm interested in at all."

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the line. Maybe I remembered it wrong. Maybe I was paraphrasing and missed some important aspect of that sentence. I bit the inside of my lip. Smile again. That's what he had said to me on the phone earlier. Like he had been walking around London in a foul mood because I wasn't beside him. This line fit with that. Really, everything he did fit with that.

It was tempting to call him. I glanced at the time in the corner of my computer and quickly calculated the time difference. It was 4 a.m. in London. If I called, he'd be worried something had happened. And although I hadn't been hungry for anything but ice cream, and therefore hadn't eaten all night, I felt fine. I still felt better than I had a few weeks ago. There was no reason for him to worry.

I reached for my mouse, with the intent of shutting my computer down. Instead, I opened up a new document. Ever since I had found out about my heart murmur, I had meant to write a will. And now that I didn't feel sick, it didn't seem as horrid of a task. It didn't seem final. It just felt like something I needed to check off a to-do list.

Nothing in this house really belonged to me. Maybe you could say our wedding presents were technically half mine. But besides those and a few things I had kept from college, everything was James'. I didn't have anything to leave anyone. Staring at the blank screen made me realize exactly what I wanted. And it had nothing to do with divvying up material things. I took a deep breath and let my fingers fly over the keys.

James,

If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.

You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.

Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.

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