Page 110 of The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness 1)

"I promise."

I opened my eyes and stared at the empty chair.

Twitch.

That was the thing about time. It could change everything in the blink of an eye. She had been my student once. Then she became my wife. I opened up my eyes. Now she was slipping away.

I ran my palm along the back of my neck, remembering her fingernails digging into my skin. The room felt empty without her. Much more like a lonely library than her office.

I walked toward her desk like I was in a trance and sat down in her chair. I wasn't sure what I was looking for exactly. A sign that my lawyer was full of shit? That the doctor was wrong to point blame at her? She wouldn't try to kill herself. She just...wouldn't. We had come so far together. She wouldn't leave me, or Scar, or the new baby. I turned on the computer as I tried to ignore the image of my son that popped into my head.

A Word document was open. I stared at the last line she had written:

"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm inte

rested in at all."

I blinked, staring at the screen. I had said that to her when I proposed. And I had this awful feeling that maybe this was how she was feeling right before she started bleeding. Except, not in the optimistic way I had said it.

I made her feel loved. But if she thought I was cheating, she wouldn't feel that way anymore. Was she not interested in living her life because she thought I didn't want her anymore? Was this the fucking proof that my lawyer was right? That the doctor was right?

No. She was just writing about us. Remembering. Right? I put my elbow on her desk and placed my forehead in my hand. Just before I closed my eyes, I saw that my elbow was placed on an envelope. An envelope with my name on it.

My hands shook as I picked it up. This couldn't be the amendment to the will that my lawyer had talked about. That whole conversation was ridiculous. Everyone was just trying to mess with my head.

So why did it have my name on it? Why was it sealed? I tore it open and unfolded the page. It wasn't a will. I sighed. It was just a letter. She had probably written it and was going to mail it to me in London. But then I told her I was coming back. She wouldn't have had time to send it. I started reading her words.

James,

If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.

You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.

Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.

Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.

Now smile,

Penny

I couldn't breathe. Smile? Are you fucking kidding me? I crumpled the piece of paper in my fist.

I hated that it felt like tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. How dare she compare this to what happened to me? How dare she pretend to understand what I was feeling? I got shot. That was an accident. She did this on purpose. This letter put all the pieces together. Suicide. Intentional. I stood up and shoved the piece of crumpled paper into my pocket.

My wife had tried to kill herself. I didn't know if she had succeeded. I didn't know what the lab tests would show. Organ failure? Would they ask me to pull the plug?

Twitch.

Why would she fucking do this? My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and put it up to my ear. "What?" I said as I walked out into the hall.

"I pulled the footage," Porter said. "I'm emailing it to your computer now."

I walked out into the hall, closing the door to Penny's office. I was furious with her. But I wanted to preserve the room. Her smell. Our memories. "Don't bother." I clenched my jaw.

"But it's all ready."

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