Page 83 of The Truth in My Lies (Secrets of Suburbi 1)

He nodded. “Do you remember his parents’ last name? That would be a good place to start.”

“I’m sorry. It was so long ago.” It was on the tip of my tongue. God, why couldn’t I remember? “He’s had me on a lot of pills. They’ve messed with my memory.”

“Your plan to kill him is awfully tempting.” He didn’t laugh.

And I was happy for the moment. Because I knew he wanted to protect me. In that one line, I knew how much he cared.

Ben shook his head and sighed.

Maybe having so many secrets wasn’t the best policy. If he liked me, he needed to accept me. He needed to fight for me. It was possible he could even help me get out of the mess I was in. “I’m not insane.”

“I never said you were.” He put his hand on my knee.

“No, I know. But…everyone else does. My husband had me declared legally insane after an incident several years ago.” I ran my thumb along the lines on my wrist. “The state took away all my rights. That’s why he keeps all the files. To prove I’m incapable of making my own decisions. To keep me doped up on meds. To keep anyone from believing me.”

“It’s okay. I believe you. And a court is going to believe your word over a serial killer's.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s more complicated than that.” Just rip off the Band-Aid, Adeline. “We have an unspoken arrangement. I keep his secrets and he keeps mine.”

“What secrets?”

I wanted to tell him. I really did. But something prevented the words from coming out. Fear. Shame. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Do it. Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. “I don’t even know where to start. I’ve done something terrible Ben. I’ve tried so hard to forget.”

He squeezed my hand. “It’s okay, Addy. Whatever it is, I can help. We’re going to fix this mess that your husband made for you. We’ll figure all this out together. You have my word.”

I so badly wanted to believe him. But I knew my next words would change everything. “It wasn’t just because of all the files that I didn’t go to the cops. I was worried what my husband would tell them if I did.” I took a deep breath and let the words come out in my exhale. “Because four years ago, I killed my father. And my husband watched me do it.”

Chapter 40

Ben’s hand felt like lead in mine. Someone else might not have noticed the shift, but I did. He was losing faith in me. And he had every right to. He was chasing a murderer. But I was one too.

“What happened?” he asked. “You said your husband was going to help you find him. I thought you wanted a relationship with your dad.”

“I did. I mean…I thought I did. But he was nothing like what I expected. Or maybe he was everything I expected.” I shook my head. “That not true. Those were my husband’s thoughts. His words. He said them over and over again. He told me my father thought I was worthless. That he didn’t regret abandoning me.” Stop.

“So you killed him?”

“My husband knew my weaknesses. He played to them. He got in my head. He gave me the gun and convinced me to pull the trigger.” I ignored the tears running down my cheeks. “I was already broken.” My voice cracked. “This was six years after we'd gotten married. He had been hurting me for so long. He was already forcing me to take pills. He knew how to control me. He knew I’d do anything he said in order for the pain to stop. A few years before this happened I had tried to take my own life.” I ran my thumb along the scars on my wrist. “Because I'd just had a miscarriage.” I shook my head. “People always refer to that as losing a baby. But I didn’t lose my baby. He killed it. He hurt me.” I tried to blink away the tears. “And I couldn’t take the pain. I was drowning. I just wanted it all to end.”

“Addy.” The name held so much agony on his tongue.

“And my father didn’t deny any of what my husband said, Ben. He just stood there.” I shook my head. “He had my eyes. And his weren’t filled with dread like mine. He had lived a great life without me. A better life without me. Everything my husband said was true. Every. Single. Thing. He turned me into a monster.”

“Addy. You’re saying that your husband forced you to hold a gun. That he convinced you to pull the trigger.”

“What does that matter? I was the one that pulled it! I killed him.” It felt like I was back there. Like my memories had swallowed me whole.

“You were on prescriptions you didn’t need. You wouldn’t have done it without his encouragement. Addy, look at me.”

I forced myself to look into his eyes. His face was blurry through my tears. I could have had happiness. I could have continued my lies. I could have finally been free. But there was something freeing about telling him my secret.

“A serial killer forced you to kill. After years of abuse. I think we’ll be able to sway the court’s mind.”

“Ben, I killed someone. Nothing will take that away. I’ve tried to rationalize it in my mind for years. The pills. The depression. Him egging me on.” I was gasping for air. “My life was over anyway. He killed my soul. And I was so angry.” I covered my mouth with my hand.

Ben did the last thing I expected him to do. He shifted forward and wrapped his arms around me.

I cried into his shoulder until no more tears would come. I got out all the hurt. The years of pain and secrecy. And he rubbed my back the whole time.

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