Page 92 of Made of Steel (Made of Steel 1)

He pressed his lips together. "I don't know how to stay away from you."

I didn't say a word as I watched him disappear into the darkness. I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know how to stay away from you. I was his weakness. It was just like Liza had said.

Chapter 42

Thursday

It felt like my chest was going to explode. He saw my scars and he kissed them. He saw my pain and he took it away by putting it on himself. He understood me better than anyone. And if I kept my promise to him and stayed, it would kill him. If I left, he claimed it would kill him. I had doomed him either way. I shook away the thought. He'd be hurt if I left, but it wouldn't physically kill him. I needed to get Don to follow me out of the city. I needed to take the darkness with me.

I started pacing at the bus stop terminal. Saying goodbye to Miles seemed like the right choice. I felt like he was better off without me. I felt strong for being able to say goodbye. I felt good about my decision. Selfless. Saying goodbye to Kins was an easy choice. I was just putting her in danger. And I cared about her. She was my best friend. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. Or maybe she was trying to hurt me. I felt crazy.

I put my forehead in my hand. But the vigilante? I couldn't feel good about that decision. Wasn't he in danger either way? What if Don didn't follow me? He'll follow me. He wants my life. I had to go.

My heart was torn. No matter how much I told myself I was making the right choice, it killed me. All of it. Miles, Kins, the vigilante. I'd miss them. I had somehow made roots in a city where the stars were barely visible. I had felt more free here than I had in the past five years. I forced myself to sit down on the bench, but then my knee started bouncing uncontrollably.

If I stayed, what was the worst that could happen, really? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to try to help clear my mind. Blood. I immediately opened my eyes. That's what I had brought here. I needed to rid the city of darkness. I needed to be as strong as the vigilante thought I was. Made of steel. I nodded to myself. I could be that for him. Yes, we had both given into desire, but that wasn't what he truly wanted. What he wanted was for me to stop thinking about him. He had even told me so.

I thought giving myself completely to someone would ease my fears, but for some reason it made them stronger. It was easy for me to put myself in his shoes. I looked down at my Converses. What if he left me like I was about to leave him? I knew what it felt like to be abandoned. I thought about the way he had put his hand on the center of my chest, absorbing my pain. I placed my hand where his had been.

And my heart stopped. Where was my Sagitta pendant? It felt like my throat was constricting. I checked the pockets of my hoodie and shorts. Had I been wearing it in Central Park? Or the hospital? Jesus, had Miles seen it when I was wearing the hospital gown? I couldn't remember the last time I had felt it around my neck. Had it slipped off before my run last night? Was I wearing it when I went to Eli's? What about when I was at the restaurant last?

The bus pulled into the terminal. I couldn't leave this city with a part of me missing. Shit! I had to leave. I stood up and watched as other people climbed up the bus steps. My feet, however, stayed firmly planted. I had to go.

But my gut was demanding that I stay. I shook away the thought. I'd just stay to find the pendant. It wasn't like I didn't have enough money to buy another bus ticket. I'd just get one once I found it. I nodded to myself, like that plan made perfect sense.

I was supposed to be forgetting my past. But my past was exactly what made me watch the bus pull away. I touched the center of my chest. I needed the pendant. I couldn't explain it. It wasn't just Miles or my parents or my youth. It meant everything to me. It meant as much to me as the stars in the sky. It had been with me through everything. I had to find it. And then I'd leave.

Don's here. Just thinking about him made me want to run after the bus. But I had already made up my mind. I'd just have to retrace my steps. Where was the last place I had seen it? I knew it had been around my neck in the bathroom at the restaurant when I had changed into running clothes. Had I lost it on my run? It could be anywhere by now.

But I'd find it. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I could find it. If I looked hard enough, I could always see the constellations. Besides, it wasn't like it was an expensive diamond. It meant a lot to me, but in reality it was just an old keychain from a vending machine at a grocery store. I just hoped that no one had thrown it out. There was a lost and found at the restaurant. I could check there first.

It only took me a few minutes to run to the Corner Diner. The door was marked with a closed sign, but I could see Joan sitting inside the diner going over the books. I knocked on the door.

She immediately looked up. She seemed surprised to see me. And she should have. It was almost midnight.

"Hon, what on earth are you doing here so late?" she asked as she opened the door.

"Hey, Joan, I'm sorry to bother you. I just, I lost my necklace and this was one of the last places that I remembered having it..."

"Come in, come in. Why are you up so late?" She looked at my backpack.

Could she tell I was fleeing the city? "I was just studying at the library."

She nodded kindly. "Okay, hon. You look a little pale, though. Let me get you something to drink. Sit down."

"Oh, no, that's not necessary. I really need to get back home. I'm exhausted."

"Well, at least sit down for a moment. I'll go grab the lost and found." She disappeared into the kitchen.

I sat down and started nervously drumming my fingers on the table. Please let it be in that box.

She came back out with a glass of water and the lost and found box. "Drink. You look dehydrated."

In a lot of ways, she reminded me of my grandmother. She was a little rough around the edges, but had such a good heart. I took of a sip of the water. Why was I lying to her? She was one of the nicest people I had met. I didn't want to leave her in the lurch. "Actually, Joan, I need to give you my notice. I'm sorry it's not more time, but I'm dreadfully homesick..." I let my voice trail off.

"You're leaving?"

"I'm sorry, I know you require two weeks, but I can't stay here any longer."

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