I don’t think I want to fix this either.
She was giving me an out. She was giving us an out.
Amicably.
Without a fight.
Without tears.
Without blame.
The hole I had felt for so many years was not only mirrored in her, but understood. Justified even.
Something’s missing between us.
I stood suddenly, chair crashing backward behind me with my sudden movement, and my arms scooped Lily into the biggest, most fierce hug I had given her in what had to be years. I spun her around, planting a kiss on her cheek. “I have been tormented for so long Lily, feeling like the world’s biggest asshole because I wanted to be the man you needed me to be, and the father that Jordan needs and deserves.” I set her back down on her feet, still holding her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were feeling like this, too? How long have you been feeling like this?”
“Honestly? Because I thought I was just being selfish. You’ve provided us with such a beautiful life. You married me when we were barely able to comprehend what marriage was, just to do right by me and Jordan. I struggled hard with feeling like I needed to live up to your expectations... well, the ones that I created in my head, I guess.”
I shook my head. “I’m so sorry, Lil.”
She moved to sit at our table again, making herself comfortable. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Ryder, neither of us do. We were just kids, forced to make grown up decisions. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. You’ve been my best friend for the better part of 12 years though, so I really hope we can continue that even if we’re not always going to be together. We still have to be in each other’s lives for Jordan.”
“For Jordan, and for us too, Lil.”
“So this is it? We’ve somehow managed to bypass a screaming match, the blame game, and an angry outburst? Ryder, I’m pretty sure this isn’t how a normal break up conversation plays out. I’m pretty sure one of us is supposed to be blindsided here,” she laughed, her hand coming up to rest under her chin as she leaned on the table.
“Since when have we followed the social norm?” I took a seat next to her, leaning back in my chair with my arms crossed. I kicked my feet out and studied my wife’s features. We had always done things a little backward, a little outside of everyone’s expectations. I had fully been expecting an argument tonight and the fact that we hadn’t had one was a little unnerving. She clearly felt that, too.
“True, but I still feel like this conversation was too easy.”
“A little, but doesn’t have to be hard, Lil. Not when we’re both on the same page about what we want.”
She bobbed her head in agreement, looking down at her hands that she had moved into her lap. “Where do we go from here?”
“Wherever we want.”
“And Jordan? How do we even begin to explain this to him?” she asked. Her bottom lip quivered while her eyes filled with tears again.
I pulled her into a hug, kissing the crown of her head as it rested against me. Our knees bumped together, and I held the back of her neck at an awkward angle, but I couldn’t bring myself to let go. Not yet. “We tell him… gently. We’ll sit him down, tell him how much we both love him, and each other, but that sometimes things just don’t work out. We will figure it out, Lil. Together. I can promise you it won’t be easy, but we will keep everything as normal as possible for him. You have my word.”
She sighed heavily into my chest, burying her face in me. I felt overtaken by sadness as the memories of our life together flashed through my mind.
We remained in the dining room, both coming to terms with the conversation and what it meant for our family. It felt like the weight of the world had finally been lifted off my shoulders and I knew that we would not only survive this, but Jordan would ultimately have happier parents for it. Not only was there light at the end of the tunnel, but the whole damn tunnel seemed a little brighter, too.