CHAPTERNINE
Isat in the crowded room filled with people I had known my entire life, watching them smoke weed and chug their mediocre beer out of Solo cups. Everywhere I looked, couples were intertwined. Some were dancing, some were hooking up, and none of them gave a single shit about being watched. I had never felt more alone, and as I looked down at my shitty beer, the bass pumping through the speakers; I realized that this would probably be the last party I go to for a long time. I scowled at the scene around me, regretting my decision to come. Tommy tried to pass me a blunt, but I pushed his arm away, letting out an angered growl.
“Lighten up, man! This is the time to party it up, get cross faded, and hook up with hot chicks!” he slurred, the effect of the weed and alcohol mixed already taking effect.
Standing, I began to walk away, and a girl I had never seen before fell into my spot on the couch, reaching for the blunt still hanging from Tommy’s outstretched hand. Tossing my beer can into the trash, I walked toward the back door, needing to get away from these people and get some air. Outside, the fire pit was roaring, the heat of the flames pulsating in the air and pulling me toward it. As I drew closer, I realized Elle, Noah, and some other kid who I had seen a few times were the ones who had found solitude in the warmth. I stared at Elle as I approached, the glow of the flames dancing across her face, enhancing her features. Quietly, I sat opposite the fire from them, saying nothing and pulling out my phone to make it look like I had something else to concentrate on.
Noah and whatever his name was kept talking as if I hadn’t just walked over, but I could feel her eyes on me from across the fire. I took pleasure in the feeling of her attention focused on me; it did something to me. It made me feel alive.
The smoke was heavy from the wet wood used when building the fire, but I could clearly see the two pools of crystal blue that were magnified by her nerdy as fuck, hot librarian glasses. Now that I held her gaze, I sure as shit wasn’t going to be the one to break the eye contact. With each passing moment, the redness in her cheeks grew and her breathing became uneven.
She was forced to pull her attention when Noah lightly bumped her shoulder. I didn’t have to try to eavesdrop on their conversation because he purposely spoke in a heightened tone as he kept a watchful eye on me.
“Is that cool, Elle?” Noah said to her, a look of concern on his face as he looked back at her, waiting for her response. I played indifferent, staying cool and collected as I stared down at my phone, acting as if I wasn’t paying attention to them in the slightest.
“Uhhh, is what cool?” she questioned, and I swear she stuttered a little.
“I’m going to go inside and grab another beer with Henry, but I wanted to make sure you were cool.” He cast a pointed look in my direction and I knew immediately what he was asking without saying the words. Would she be okay left alone with me?
“Uhhh yeah, sure, I’m fine,” she told him, her eyes still on me. I followed his movements as he walked away, leaving me and Elle alone by the fire.
The sound of the screen door slamming carried through the air as I studied her between the flames, my foolish heart begging me to make her mine. She was staring down at her hands, her dark hair falling in waves around her shoulders and face. Normally she wore clothes that my mother would approve of, but tonight she was in a dark green dress with a neckline that dipped just the right amount between her cleavage, leaving me wanting to see more. I shifted in my seat to readjust the hard on that had appeared out of nowhere, and continued to watch her, wondering if she’d look back up. If she wouldn’t willingly, I knew how I could bring her focus back to me—so I spoke.
“I would have kissed you in the woods that day if you hadn’t run away from me,” I told her, licking my lips as I remembered the feeling of her soft skin.
That got her attention. My shoulders shook in a silent laugh as I watched the emotions flicker over her face: confusion, sadness, lust. She opened her mouth like she wanted to respond, but I cut her off before she could say anything. If I was going to say this, I needed to say it now, and then I was going to get the fuck away from this party and away from her. I stood and moved to her side of the fire, taking the open seat next to her.
“I know you feel like I’ve been playing games. You think that this whole time I’ve had no idea who you are, but you are wrong. I’ve always seen you, Elle, and always wondered about you. I wanted to talk to you for so long. It took me a long time to realize that I wanted you — too long — and when I finally did, I thought how fucking cliche. We are worlds apart. The jock and the nerd.” I stopped, realizing that sounded completely dickish. “No offense.”
I raked my hand down my face before continuing, so frustrated that I was fucking this up.
“That day I followed you, I had seen you go into the woods and I couldn’t stop myself from going after you, if only to see just what it was to make little miss goodie-two-shoes skip a class and sneak off all alone. Then when I saw you laying against the tree, I was overwhelmed by the need to protect you, even though you didn’t need my protection. I couldn’t just leave you alone and go back. Then I wanted to kiss you, and I was going to, but you took off running. I don’t blame you for that, but Elle, you’ve been in my head every day since before then, torturing me. I’ve denied the pull to you for so long before realizing that I didn’t want to deny it anymore. I was going to break up with Lily, but then we found out she was pregnant.” I moved out of the chair and crouched down in front of her, even though I had already been close enough. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to touch her. Needed to. I could feel my fingers twitch, desperate to reach out, but I didn’t.
I was about to be a fucking father.
My stomach sank as I watched her blue eyes fill with tears.
“I’m a man of my word and I will always do what I think is the right thing to do. Lily and I are going to get married, have this baby, and I will give them both the life they deserve. But I didn’t want you to leave this town without me telling you that I will always be thinking about the what-if. I needed you to know that I saw… I see you… and I will always be thinking about you.”
There was nothing left to say, so I stood and walked away from the girl I could never have a future with, leaving my heart behind with her.