Page 11 of Between the Flames

CHAPTERFIVE

Breathe in, breathe out.

Exhale.

Good. Now again.

My therapist’s voice rang through my head as I forced the panic down, willing myself to focus on the things that I could control. Breathing. I could control my breathing. I couldn’t control whatever Lily was about to say or do.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I draped my arm over Lily’s shoulders and pulled her to me, letting her head fall to my chest.

My weakness would not show through, not now, not ever.

My fingers rubbed her back, offering her the comfort she clearly craved as she sobbed. My airways felt as if they were constricting as I fought to force my emotions down.

Exhale. Breathe.

I regained control over the panic that had threatened to rear its ugly head, banishing it as I turned my attention to the girl in my arms. Wet tears fell down my chest and I couldn’t stop the eye roll that came so naturally. A wave of guilt hit me no sooner than my eyes had finished rolling. What kind of asshole rolls his eyes as his girlfriend is crying on him?

The kind that almost kissed the hot, nerdy girl in the woods.

Shit.

“Lil…” I started, lightly pushing her body back into a seated position, urging her to speak by tilting her head up from under her chin, but she buried her head into my chest again, her arms wrapping around my waist and squeezing tightly. I could feel her heart thumping against her chest as her body melted into me. I sat frozen, awkwardly patting her back and growing more impatient the longer this went on. The sobs continued to rack her body, expelling noises that sounded like she was gasping for air. My palms began to sweat, and I rubbed them against the material of my shorts.

“I think I’m pregnant.” She blew out a shaky breath, pulling away from my body to look at me as I stared at her in shock.

The fuck?

My legs launched me off the bed, and I started pacing the room. Lily’s mascara flowed down her cheeks like two dark rivers, her small body shaking as she cradled her knees against her chest from her spot on the edge of the bed.

“What do you mean, you think?” I barked. Her eyes widened.

“I… I don’t know for sure, but I think I am. I’m late, Ryder. My period is two weeks late and I’m never late.” My eyes narrowed as I tried to calculate the time when she could have gotten pregnant. I thought I had been careful, always. “I bought a test, but I haven’t taken it yet. I’m so scared, Ryder, so freaking scared. I’m only seventeen! You barely just turned eighteen. We can’t be parents. This cannot be happening.”

“Okay, so you haven’t taken the test yet?” I questioned. If she hadn’t taken the test yet, then there was still a chance she wasn’t pregnant. We could salvage this.

Shaking her head no, she leaned over, reaching into her purse on the floor. She took out a blue box, shaking it before tossing it onto the bed next to her. I leaned over and picked it up, staring at the box as if it would give me the answer itself. Ripping open the cardboard, I pulled out the pregnancy test, holding it out for Lily to take from me.

“Well, let’s find out then.”

Silent tears streamed down her face as she grabbed the test out of my hand, her fingers brushing against mine as she did. I looked away, a thousand things running through my mind. She walked to my bathroom and shut the door behind her.

I dropped to the floor, shifting my body so that my back rested against my bed. My fists slammed into the carpet next to me. How could this have happened? I wore a condom every single fucking time, yet here we are. I dug my fingernails into my palms, teeth grinding together as I struggled to maintain my cool.

My entire future raced through my mind: visions of me playing college football, frat parties, college graduation. I could never reach out to a certain girl and make her mine—everything would just evaporate into a cloud of dust. Not this. Not her. I already felt a loss I couldn’t quite justify.

All of that would be gone if the test came up positive.

I waited for what seemed like hours before she came out of the bathroom, holding the pregnancy test. Her tears had dried up, but her face looked pale as she stared down at the test. I didn’t bother moving from my position on the floor, barely glancing over at her as she slid down next to me. Wordlessly, she held the test out to me. I looked down at it, my heart dropping as I read over the word I feared the most. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, threatening to spill, but I’d be damned if I let them. Instead, I let the rage take over, and I threw the pregnancy test against the wall, watching as it bounced off and landed near my dresser. Lily flinched and started crying again.

“So what now, Lily?” I asked, doing everything I could to not let venom slip into my words. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think rationally. This wasn’t her fault, not entirely. It takes two fucking people to create a baby and I wouldn’t let this fall on her shoulders alone. She didn’t answer me. Instead, she climbed onto my bed and pulled one of my pillows against her body, cradling it.

I never did get a response; she cried for an hour before she finally fell asleep and I was left pacing around my room as the sun set and the crickets outside began to sing.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Exhale.

Good. Now again.

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