Page 59 of Between the Flames

CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR

Iwatched Ryder through my kitchen window while he lit the wood that was in my small outdoor fire pit. The flame began small, igniting first the piece of kindling before quickly catching, spreading to the smaller sticks and eventually the wood that we had doused in lighter fluid. My eyes were transfixed on the fire roaring to life and my lips hovered on the edge of my wineglass as I lost myself in my thoughts. I heard the door open and close, but I continued staring ahead, unable to pull my gaze away from the beautiful orange glow. My vision began to blur from my lack of blinking.

A pair of strong, warm arms snaked around my middle while pillowy lips kissed up my neck. “You ready to go sit by the fire, treasure?” he asked, hugging me tightly. His back rounded as he bent to rest his chin on my shoulder, staring out the window with me.

I smiled, turning my attention to Ryder. “Yeah,” I told him, tilting my head to kiss his cheek.

He unwrapped himself from me before lacing his fingers through mine. Tugging me forward so we could make our way outside, he pulled the blanket off my couch when we passed by, and once outside, I curled up on the small outdoor love seat. He placed the blanket over my lap and I smiled at him as he pushed the edges beneath me, tucking me into a warm cocoon. After he was convinced that I was comfortable, Ryder sat down on the couch next to me, turning his body to face me.

I stared at the fire again, searching for the words to start our conversation, giving myself a moment before I spoke. “His name was Matt. I met him at a bar months before you came back into my life. We slept together once, that’s it.” My eyes zoned in on a pile of burning embers as I took a deep breath and continued on with my story. “The entire time I was with him, I envisioned you. Every relationship I have ever been in, I’ve never not wished it was you instead.”

I looked over at him, then back down at my blanket, his gaze too heavy for me to continue to speak if I looked into his eyes.

“When you left for the restroom, he slid into your chair. He touched my thigh, and our entire conversation made me feel uncomfortable. I turned away from him to try and send the message that I wasn’t interested, but it took him a few minutes to get the hint and leave. What you saw was me disregarding his advances, but you read into it all wrong. Then you didn’t give me the opportunity to explain. I’ve been so angry at you because instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, you jumped to all the wrong conclusions.”

I stopped, bringing my gaze back to him, watching him. “You hurt me again, and I’m afraid that by letting you break down all of my walls, I could be nothing but a pile of rubble and ash at the end of this.”

“There is no end of this.” His voice was gruff, stare unwavering. “You are the endgame for me, Elle. There is no end of this—not for me.”

“I want to trust you.”

“You can.”

“Can I though? How can I trust you with my heart if I can’t trust you to trust my word?”

“I’ll spend my whole life proving it to you, if that’s what it takes. I don’t care if it takes me until the day I die. I will prove to you that I won’t fuck this up. Not again.”

“But it can’t be this simple. Your hesitance to trust me is what scares me the most, Ryder.” My voice cracked, raw emotion seeping through. I could feel the tears slowly well up in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

“It can be that simple, Elle. You know what you mean to me—what you’ve always meant to me. I will never not trust you again. I fucked up, and I know that. I won’t make the same mistake twice. I refuse to lose you.”

He reached over to me, his large hand completely covering my small one. His fingers laced through the top of mine, pulling my hand to his chest. I could feel his heart beating, its pace matching with mine.

“Let me prove to you I can be the man you deserve.” He pulled my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “Let me show you that you’re all I want in this life and the next.”

Turning my attention back to the fire, I watched the flames dance and meld together, flickering and filling the air with its warmth, knowing with my heart that I couldn’t be without him another day. I loved him and that love cut so deeply that the moments without him felt like I was bleeding out. The last few weeks had been hell, even worse than our ten years apart.

It was there, while watching the flames burn bright, that I let my heart guide me, reaffirming my decision to let him love me and to let myself love him.

“I love you, Ryder,” I told him wholly, my eyes connecting with his green ones, giving him access to my soul. “I’ve loved you since I was a teenager. I buried that love deep inside of me for so long, but I never truly moved on from it. It’s always been you. It’ll always be you.”

He pulled me into his arms, resting his forehead against mine. As my arms looped behind his neck, I stroked the soft hair at the nape of his neck and nuzzled into him, a sense of peace washing over me.

“I will never let you go again, Elle. Never. You’re mine. You always have been. The piece of me that was always missing is finally whole, and it’s whole because of you.”

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