“Ryder…” I said, my voice trailing off, unsure of what to say next.
“Don’t.”
“Ryder, he meant nothing.”
“Don’t.”
“It was months ago.”
“I said DON’T,” he boomed, causing me to drop his hand. The harshness of his tone making me feel small. “I should have never asked.”
He turned to face me and gone was the anger in his eyes. Sadness had taken its place. Guilt and remorse washed over his features as he slowly searched my eyes. I could read him like a crystal ball, but no amount of guilt and sadness could deflect from what had just happened, how he had reacted. In a matter of seconds, he had made me question everything.
“Get in the truck Elle, let me take you home,” he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. I nodded once and walked around to the passenger side of the truck, sliding onto the bench seat and securing my seat belt. I stared out the window as he started the truck, the engine roaring to life and sending gentle vibrations throughout the cab. Only when we exited the parking lot and were surrounded by darkness did the silent tears flow over and stream down my face.
I kept my gaze out the window throughout the drive, never daring to look over at Ryder, but I felt his eyes on me continuously. He slowed to a stop in front of the home that my granny unit was nestled behind, cutting the engine and turning in his seat to look at me. I continued to stare blankly out of the passenger side window, not having the energy for whatever he was about to say. When he reached over and pulled my hand into his, I let him, closing my eyes as he rubbed his thumb softly over my knuckles. He lifted my hand to his lips, pressing a soft, apologetic kiss to it, and the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter. I ignored them.
“Look Elle, I’m sorry. I’ve never had jealousy rage through me like I did when I saw that guy put his hands on you. It was everything I could do not to walk over and bash his head against the bar. I’ve never…” I could feel him looking at me and I fought the urge to squirm in my seat. “You make me feel feral. Like I have no control. Absolutely fucking insane. I haven’t felt this way since I was eighteen and secretly pining for the nerdy girl who drove me wild.”
My eyes narrowed as I looked over at him. Him circling back to how he felt about me in high school was like salt to the wound with this fight. My body was tingling with adrenaline, fighting against unspoken words, knowing that anything that came out of my mouth from this moment on would surely make our night worse.
Desperate for an escape, I reached for the handle and pushed open the door, hopping down from the truck and closing it roughly behind me. Walking down the unlit path to my studio, I wrestled with every fiber of my being to not turn around and look back at the truck.
He didn’t follow—he didn’t come after me, and it made my shoulders sag even further.
Ryder still hadn’t started the engine as I slipped inside of my home and secured the deadbolt. Leaving the house dark, I drifted over to my bed and laid my head against the feather soft pillows. The scent of him was everywhere in my studio and it made it so much worse. I slammed my eyes shut while my heart beat wildly in my chest, my mind betraying me and only thinking of him.
I wasn’t afraid of his jealousy or even the way he reacted. What scared me was that his mind immediately put the blame on me for another man’s unwanted advances. He didn’t grant me the opportunity to explain that not only was I not interested in Matt, but I was uncomfortable in his presence tonight. Instead, Ryder’s insecurities led him to the assumption that I had asked for Matt’s attention, and that was what devastated me the most. It hurt. It showed his lack of trust and confidence in me.
Laying on my bed, I buried my head into my pillow and fought the tears that were threatening to fall. Pictures of Ryder and me over these last few weeks swirled through my mind like a movie projected from my heart. Things had progressed so quickly between us, it really shouldn’t have surprised me that the other shoe had dropped. I just hadn’t been expecting it to hurt so badly once it did. My eyes grew heavy, and I tried to focus on my breathing. Squeezing my eyes together tightly, I snuggled into my bed as much as I could, praying I would just pass out before the anxiety swallowed me whole. A million things ran through my mind as my heart finally steadied.
“I don’t want to fall in love with you,” I whimpered to myself, just before sleep overcame me.