Page 32 of The Young & the Sinner

Olivia

The day after our talk,I couldn’t look Max in the eye. I knew he told me I didn’t have anything to be embarrassed about, but Max was nothing if not thorough. He went into so much excruciating detail.

He acted how he normally would, and I thought he was doing it to get us out of this awkward phase. And all it took was for Max to be gone most of the day because of work for me to almost get over it. I spent the day reading a new fantasy novel that had just come out and looking over my class schedule for this upcoming fall semester at the University of Chicago.

At the beginning of my senior year, when I was applying for college, Max never really pressured me into picking an in-state school over an out-of-state school, but I knew I didn’t want to move away. Even when I was still living with my mom, I was thinking about staying here for him, not her.

He had been my rock since I was a little girl, and now, he was all I had left. And even though the longer I lived with him, the more secure I felt about my position in his life, I couldn’t help but still wake up in the middle of the night to check on him.

I was still scared that he might leave me.

Dr Greene showed me some exercises I could do whenever I felt anxious about Max leaving, but I couldn’t bring myself to do them. We also talked about whether I wanted to move into a dorm or stay at home.

I knew most kids my age would want the experience of living away from home for the first time, but the thought of being away from Max didn’t help with my anxiety. So we decided I could stay home my first year and pretend it wasn’t unhealthy that Max was allowing me to do so. Dr Greene didn’t really approve when I told her about it.

Max came home around five that day, as usual, and we left to see Dr Greene. He thought it would be best if I saw her alone for thirty minutes of our hour because of all we talked about the night before.

“How do you feel about it?” she asked, her attention on me. She was good at that. Making me feel like I was the only one that mattered to her, and that she had all the time in the world, even though Max only paid her for the hour.

“Embarrassed, mostly.”

“There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is natural and shouldn’t be stigmatized, no matter what society says.”

“That’s what Max said.”

Her lips curved upward in a small smile. “Smart man.”

“Yes, he is that.”

She paused, then said, “Tell me, was your talk with Max embarrassing because he isn’t biologically related to you? I would think that would make it easier.”

“It doesn’t matter that we aren’t related. Max is family. He’s all I have left. I think that’s what made it so awkward. If he were just some dude my mom knew, then sure, I would be weirded out that some guy was trying to have the sex talk with me.” Her smile widened at that. “But I would probably be able to tell him I didn’t want to hear it. And it wouldn’t be as mortifying.”

“So, what is Max to you?”

I frowned, not quite understanding. “What do mean? He’s family.”

“Yes, I know that. But what is his position in your life. Is he like a father to you, a brother?”

My frowned deepened. “No, he’s not like my dad. I have a dad. He’s just not in the picture anymore.” Neither was my mom, I didn’t add. She looked at me expectantly. “A brother, maybe. But I know he loves my mom, so it’s hard for me to think of him like my brother when I had hoped before that he and my mom would end up together.” I wrung my hands together, hating the question the more I thought about it. “Why does there need to be label for what he is to me? Why can’t he be all of those things? He’s my best friend, but he can also be like my dad or my brother, right?”

“There’s no right or wrong answer here. If you truly felt like the labels you put on Max and yourself shouldn’t matter, then you wouldn’t worry so much about him leaving you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think Max has done everything to make sure you know how important you are to him.”

“Of course, he has,” I defended vehemently. Max had never made me feel like a burden, even if that was what I was.

“I know. But I also think because he’s not related to you that you feel your position in his life is expendable. That’s why, deep inside of you, you still think he might leave. That he could leave you behind as easily as he would leave a puppy.”

She grabbed the tissue box from her desk and handed it to me. I didn’t realize I was crying until then. And the realization only made the tears fall harder. “My mom and dad both left me. My own parents. And they did it so easily. What’s stopping Max from doing the same thing?”

“Do you really feel that it would be easy for him to leave you?” I shrugged. “Olivia, did your parents ever tell you they loved you?”

“Of course, they did. Mostly when I was little.”

“But did you believe them?”

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