Page 47 of Hardest Hearts

I twist around to look back but can’t see out of the darkness. “We can’t leave him. He’ll be eaten or die fighting.”

Joe reaches for me, his eyes glassy. “We can’t save him either. If we stay, we will definitely be eaten.”

“And I promised I wouldn’t let that happen,” Theo says. “I am getting you to the spire.”

“Why aren’t you consumed with jealousy? Why didn’t your heart harden?” I press my hand to his skin, sure that he is no longer looking as full and healthy as he did yesterday.

“I want you. I want to touch you, to kiss and to fuck you…none of which I can do without hands, lips, and when I am twice your size. That is keeping me in check. I do not want to kill you.”

I think that admission is meant to be reassuring, but it’s not. It’s a reminder that I am dealing with monsters and what is stopping them from killing and eating me is a vague hope that they can be human again. If they lose hope, like Michael, then the claws will be out, and I will stand no chance. My life is in their hands. Even Joe, who appears very human, is part monster and Under could take this new found humanity the next time we have to fight.

“Michael wanted you to himself and it killed him to share,” Joe says softly. “It hurt him to admit that he couldn’t protect you on his own. I saw that while we were in the cave, and I didn’t care. I enjoyed it in a sick way.” He glances at me. “While we started off for all the wrong reasons, I’m glad we started. Even if we don’t make it, I have lived again, and that is a gift that is immeasurable.”

Theo gives me a little squeeze. “Same.” Then he gives Joe a squeeze. “I look forward to participating fully. I can think of nothing better than having more than one lover.” His head turns to Joe, and I imagine he is smiling at him.

Joe doesn’t flinch, with the maw turned on him. He gives Theo a smile. “Same.” Then he looks at me. “Do you enjoy having more than one?”

My cheeks burn. It’s not something that I’ve ever considered. I always thought I was lucky to have one boyfriend. While this doesn’t feel wrong here, what will it feel like at home? I can’t think that far ahead. And Joe is staring at me. I feel Theo’s gaze drop to me.

No pressure.

But I do like having them all, and I don’t want to choose between them when we are home. “Yes.”

Theo laughs, and it rumbles through me. “I knew it.”

Joe laughs too, but his smile is gone, and his eyes are filled with pain. Neither of them is really happy, but they are trying not to be consumed by grief and guilt at leaving Michael behind.

I force a smile, but my heart is aching for Michael. “He should be with us.”

Joe reaches out and grabs my hand. “I know, but you can’t save everyone.”

“Isn’t that what you told him?”

“Yeah, I think he was always trying to save himself.”

Theo slows, as though creeping. “I don’t think he knows how to live. Not before, not now and not in the future. He’s scared and protecting himself the only way he knows how.”

“We left him to die.”

“We were already dead and going through the motions of living,” Joe says. “I don’t like it; he was my friend. My only friend here. Without him, I’d be dead. But much longer in the cave and I’d have killed him, and I wouldn’t have had the mind to regret it.”

There is nothing I could’ve done this morning. But if I’d gotten up during the night, or insisted that he join us, or something. But if Michael had been with us, would Joe have had his realization?

How can I choose one over the other? I like them all and if anything were to happen to Joe or Theo, I would be devastated. Michael wouldn’t have stood there and waited for the monsters to arrive. He’d have avoided the fight, wouldn’t he?

Maybe he’s changed his mind and is following us.

23

Horn/Michael

Iwatch as she’s swallowed by the darkness that surrounds Theo. Joe glances back. That he is no longer a monster, only causes the fury to surge again. He got her and he got to be human.

And I got nothing.

Some things never change. I am meant to be here. This is where I belong. They are the ones who are wrong, and they will be eaten because they are weak.

The shadow becomes little more than a smear, something that is almost unnoticeable if you don’t know what you are looking for. Theo is taking them both toward the spire.

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