Page 47 of Silent Secrets

“Wait.” I frown, considering her words. What she says makes sense to my mind, and I can see how that could be what is happening, but it’s causing me to have more questions. “Does this mean that what I’ve been feeling for the guys is just my body and mind at war over preparing me for my magic?”

“That was another thing that I planned to ask you about, because I’ve felt drawn to all four of them in a way I’ve never been drawn to anyone before. I didn’t have friends growing up, so I thought maybe it was just because of that. I thought maybe I was just so desperate for people to like me that I was just clinging to them?”

Even as I say the words, I reject them. That’s not right, I know that. There’s something more to what I feel than just my own desperate need to be loved. Fuck, I’m a disaster and a half, aren’t I?

“Okay, there’s a lot there to unpack.” Grace settles back into the couch, tapping her finger to her lips as she considers me. “First, the fact that you didn’t have friends in L’Airid? It’s more than likely because you’re Fae. The mortals might not have magic, but they seem to have a sixth sense when someone is different—when they’re more. I’ve heard stories of it, though I’ve never seen it since I’ve only been to L’Airid a handful of times.”

Should it make me feel better to know that it’s not my fault that people didn’t like me growing up? I feel like that’s what Grace expects her words to make me feel, but it actually just pisses me off. If they hadn’t sent me away to grow up in another realm, I might have had actual fucking friends. None of this was my fault, and yet, I was the one who paid for it.

And now we’re back to the irrational anger—at least I understand where it’s coming from now. It makes me feel a little better about the amount of times that I’ve thought about killing or maiming someone since I arrived. Closing my eyes, I force myself to take a few deep breaths until I feel calmer.

“Are you alright now?”

I nod as I open my eyes, grimacing. “I told you I’ve been having an issue with anger—I wasn’t over-exaggerating.”

“I never thought you were,” she tells me with a sigh. She runs a hand through her hair as she notices the time. “We don’t have long until we have to be at the ballroom, so let me see if I can address your other issues.”

“As far as feeling drawn to the four boys? There could be so many reasons for it. It could be your magic being drawn to the strong well of magic that they each have. It could be that you’re in a new place and need someone that you can depend on? It could be the goddess calling you to them, as they could be your mates?”

“I’m sorry, did you just say mates? Like fated mates? Are you fucking with me right now?”

And just like that, the anger is back and worse than ever. Is she fucking telling me that fated mates are not only real, but that these four are mine? That some cosmic force—in this case, the goddess—is out there trying to force me to be with these men, and that I have no choice in the matter.

“Whoa, there. First, yes, mates are a thing in Sorlphi—though, it’s rare. I don’t know what you’re thinking that has you so angry so quickly, but hear me out.” Grace raises her eyebrows, waiting until I give her a terse nod before continuing, “The goddess has been known to put people in our paths that she knows would be a good match for us—our mates.”

“But just because she has put two—or more—people together doesn’t mean that they will end up together. It’s said that she uses fate to put them into our lives and after that? Then it’s all on us. Free will is something that Bria would never take from us. But even if one or more of those boys is your mate? You wouldn’t know it now.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean? It makes little sense.

As if she can hear the questions running through my mind, Grace continues. “As I said, Bria doesn’t like to take away our free will. There is a ceremony that most don’t choose to complete in order to find out if they’re someone’s fated mate. It won’t be successful until after both parties have fallen in love and accepted the relationship. Bria does not want us to rely too heavily on her opinions of who might be right for us, but she’s made it so that we can find out if we really want to know.”

“That’s…” I trail off, my mind racing. “Really dumb.”

Grace snorts, her shock written all over her face. “I’m sorry, did you just say that what the goddess chose is dumb?”

“Yes, I did.” I nod, shrugging. “What’s the point of us even knowing about mates, if it can’t affect our decisions? Doesn’t that just make Bria a matchmaker?”

Grace makes a face. “I guess. I’ve never really thought about it like that. But remember that it could be that those boys are feeling the same draw that you are.”

“So, it’s not like fated mates. Got it.” I laugh, choosing to ignore her last statement—I don’t want to think about that right now. “I can live with the idea that my magic is seeking out other powerful Fae, or that the goddess thought we might be good together, so she threw our lives on the same path. But the idea that there’s someone fated to be mine? I know it makes little sense, but it puts me on edge. That I have no say so in who I should be with? I don’t like it.”

“You know that I’m more than happy to answer any questions that you have—any time. But we’re now officially late for your dance lessons.”

I shrug. “That’s fine. Make the guys wait. Not to mention, I already told you I know how to dance.”

“And as I told you, you don’t know those dances.” Grace rolls her eyes when she sees the grin on my face. “Do you enjoy giving me a hard time?”

“Why, yes… yes, I do.”

Feeling better after our conversation, I jump to my feet and gesture for Grace to hurry. “Come on, Grace. I can’t believe that you’re making us late like this.”

A pillow comes flying at me and I just barely manage to duck in time to keep it from smashing into my face.

“You’re a little shit, Hadley.” Grace tries to sound exasperated, but I can hear the laughter behind her words. I feel lighter now that Grace has clarified these things for me. I don’t need to worry that I’m losing my mind, or that my life isn’t actually my own. It makes it easier to joke around, and I’m actually excited to be heading to these dance lessons.

It’s been a while since I looked forward to something, but I think that just proves that I’m where I should be. Looking back on my life, I can see that I never felt quite comfortable in L’Airid. It’s like I’d always known that something was wrong—that something was missing—but couldn’t put my finger on it. But hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz.

As I follow Grace from her office, I’m feeling lighter—happier. Yes, my life is still overwhelming, and I’m sure that there will be more bumps in the road, but this really is what I’m meant to be doing. Sorlphi really is my home, and I know that I’ll be the best damn Fae Queen that I can be. It’s not the life that I expected to live, but it’s mine to live.

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