Page 95 of Daughters of Paris

‘Hoped that it would come to nothing?’ Fleur’s eyes flickered.

Colette nodded. ‘Not all pregnancies continue past the first couple of months. I am a dreadful person for hoping such a thing.’

Colette waited for some reassurance but Fleur bit her lip and looked at the ground. Her lack of contradiction was mortifying. Colette felt she deserved every arrow that struck her. Fleur stood and began walking around. She had the same expression she did when she was organising the larder or the bookshop and Colette began to feel a rising relief that she was not alone.

‘Well, you cannot bury your head and hope it will go away. I mean if it doesn’tgo awayyou won’t be able to hide the bump for long. You will have to admit it eventually. What will you do?’

‘Before the war I might have gone somewhere and had the baby in secret then given it up,’ Colette said slowly. The idea had been floating in the back of her mind but now she gave voice to it and realised how impossible it was.

‘Well you can’t do that,’ Fleur said. ‘Even if you could think of somewhere to go, people would ask questions about where you are.’

Colette looked at her friend. How could Fleur be so close and yet so far away from the truth?

After so many years of concealing her secret, Colette felt giddy at the thought of unburdening herself. In a few seconds Fleur would discover what sort of woman her friend truly was. She might turn from Colette with more disgust on her face. Colette dreaded it, but she was tired of keeping secrets.

‘They didn’t before,’ she said slowly.

Fleur wrinkled her brow in puzzlement. ‘Didn’t what?’

‘Didn’t suspect why I had left Paris. That’s why I went to England. I was pregnant with Gunther’s baby.’

‘No!’ Fleur breathed out the word in a long exhalation. ‘You never told me!’

She sounded pained. Betrayed. It hurt Colette to hear it.

‘Mèreforbade me from telling anyone. I lived with Edith and her husband until the baby was born. Then a woman came and took it away. I don’t even know if I had a boy or a girl.’

‘Wouldn’t they tell you?’

‘I didn’t want to know anything about the baby. I couldn’t have kept it. I didn’t want to know where it went, or who it would live with. I was relieved to be rid of it. Edith promisedMèreshe would never try to find out in case I asked. As far as I know, she kept her word.’

Colette pursed her lips. She looked sideways at Fleur who was rooted to the spot with an expression on her face that Colette couldn’t read. A sob broke free.

‘Don’t condemn me. I made my choice. What child would want me as a mother? It was better for both of us.’

Fleur dropped to Colette’s side and put a comforting hand on her arm. It was more than Colette thought she deserved and it almost broke her.

‘I’m not going to condemn you, you poor thing. I feel sorry for you. And now I understand why you didn’t write to me.’

‘But I did!’ Colette exclaimed. Her anxiety about Fleur’s reaction and the pregnancy was momentarily forgotten. ‘At least, I did until I realised you were never going to reply.’

Fleur’s mouth fell open. ‘But I wrote to you too. Your mother said she would put my letters in with hers.’

Colette sagged. ‘She never wrote to me at all until I confirmed I had given birth and the baby had been taken away. She was too angry. My father did, but there was never a letter from you. Oh, the devious bitch! How could she be so unkind?’

Her cheeks flamed with the injustice. Luckily Delphine was out otherwise Colette might have marched inside to confront her. She turned her head back to Fleur. Much to her surprise, Fleur was smiling.

‘There’s nothing to be happy about,’ she said irritably.

‘Yes there is. Don’t you see? We both thought the other had not cared enough to keep in touch. I can’t speak for you, but I resented it. Now I know it wasn’t your fault at all. That’s why I’m happy.’

‘Oh.’ Colette sat back, thinking it over. As was so often the case, Fleur was speaking sense.

‘I’m still furious, but now when I tell her about the baby, I think I will be a bit braver. Last time, I was barely more than a child and I thought she was doing the best for me. Now I’ll do the best for myself.’

‘When will you tell them?’

‘Mèrewill be home in a couple of hours and will have had a couple of cocktails so hopefully her mood will be good. I’ll tell her then. Will you be there when I do?’

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