Page 86 of The Game Plan

“I didn’t know how. I don’t want to be a burden on you guys. Things were already so tense, I didn’t want to add to the fire. I thought if I studied my ass off, it would be enough. But now I’m second-guessing everything. Nothing I do is right. Maybe that was the wrong choice, too.”

“Sam, we’re friends,” Tamar says gently. “Even if we’re going through a rough patch, we’re still here for you. We’ll always be here for you.”

I inhale sharply and turn my head away, trying to hide the tears welling in my eyes.

“Then why were you such a bitch about Miles?” I can’t say his name without the tears starting to fall. Angrily I swipe at my eyes. “He’s done nothing to you. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“I didn’t think you were serious about him,” she says, like that’s an answer.

“I was. I am.”

“Even now?”

“Even now,” I confirm. “We’ll calm down, and we’ll figure it out. We have a good thing going. He just needs to wake up and realize I was trying to help him.”

Tamar blows out a breath. “We’ll figure this out, too. We have a good thing going.”

My smile doesn’t reach my eyes, but it’s a start. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys how serious it was.”

“I’m sorry I was mean about him,” Tamar says. “You’re right, he didn’t deserve that. I was jealous.”

“Of what?”

“I didn’t want you to find a new best friend.” She looks away. “It’s petty and childish, but—”

“Tamar, I have other friends. You’re my best friend,” I tell her flatly.

She swallows.

“Just because I have a boyfriend… had a boyfriend? Fuck if I know,” I say. “Whatever is going on with me and Miles, that doesn’t mean I don’t have room in my life for you, too. You satisfy very different needs for me. I lo-Iove him, and I love you, in very different ways.”

This makes the tears start up again. I love him, and he acted like I betrayed him by helping him! What on earth is going through his head right now? I really have no idea.

Plaintively, Tamar looks at me. “Are we going to be okay?”

I give her the benefit of an honest answer.

“It’s not going to be fixed overnight, but I think with time we can get there.”

Lex rubs my back and Tamar pulls the blanket up over us. I lean against my friends, and let their comforting presence soothe some of the ache deep inside of me.

All I want is him. His warm hugs and his devastating smile and his perpetual good mood. The way he’d run his hand over my spine, memorizing each and every one of my vertebrae. The way he held my hand without hesitation, the way he kissed me in front of his entire family without a care in the world. The way he went to bat for me, time after time, and refused to let me do the same.

The stubborn set to his jaw. The obstinate way he held his ground. His refusal to let his guard down. The way he haltingly revealed bits and pieces of his life, never giving me the whole picture.

I’ve got my friends by my side. Who does he have?

Sure, he has his teammates, but they’re not close. He’s all alone. He’s always alone. He prefers to be on his own.

My heart physically aches for him. I miss him. It’s only been a few hours but already I feel the absence of his calming presence, the void in my life.

I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. I don’t need a man to feel whole. What I wanted was a partner, someone I could lean on when the going gets tough and in turn lets me support them when they need a little extra help.

And he won’t let me. He refuses to accept my help.

And, yes, maybe I shouldn’t have barged into the middle of his hearing. I could have submitted my findings to the panel without turning it into some big production.

I wanted to protect him, to stand up for him like he stood up for me. And instead all I did was hurt him.

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