Page 135 of Late Fees

“It’s a long story. If I tell people, you know, people who actually know Wyatt and our history together, then it’ll hurt even more if I have to tell you that it’s over. It’s like reliving a bad nightmare.”

“Being with him is a nightmare?” Ronnie asked, looking exasperated.

“No, no, but he’s going away this summer for a month, and I just have this terrible feeling…here,” I said, pointing to my abdomen. “It’s stirring up all these feelings inside of me. Terrible, awful feelings that I’ve tried to make peace with.”

“Like what?”

“Resentment, anger, I don’t know…like he’s going to leave me behind again.”

“Is he going back to Norway or something?”

“No, an animation program in Los Angeles.”

“That’s exciting.”

“I know,” I said, flopping back into the chair. “I’m such a horrible person. I should be happy for him, and I am. I’m just afraid of what it might do to us.”

“Whatever, you’re not a horrible person,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Do you love him?”

I didn’t expect that question, and it brought me back to my conversation with Dutch at the video store. Did I really love Wyatt? Or was I just trying to erase the heartbreak of my past by being with him again? My shoulders slumped, and honesty poured out of me.

“I’m not sure. I know I’m crazy about him. I think about him all the time, and I’m so happy he’s back in my life…” my voice trailed off.

“But?”

“But I fell in love with him once, and it ruined me. I promised him I’d leave the past in the past, but this UCLA thing is messing with my head. It’s not fair to him, but I can’t help it. I feel myself building this wall around myself because I’m so afraid it’s going to happen all over again. They’ll offer him some scholarship or something, and he won’t come home.”

“That’s a little far-fetched.”

“So was Norway!” I said, feeling the heat in my cheeks.

“True, good point,” Ronnie said, breathing in deeply and nodding. “So, that’s why you didn’t tell me? Because you’re afraid he won’t ever come back?”

I nodded. “I know it must sound ridiculous. I know that.”

“It does, I’m not gonna lie.”

A sardonic laugh left my lips. “If it makes you feel better, I haven’t told my parents either.”

“That doesn’t,” she deadpanned. “My parents know nothing about my love life. But you do because you’re my best friend. I mean, my God, Tilly, I told you everything about Miguel. And that was mortifying.”

“I know, I—I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine, I’ll get over it,” she said, “Eventually. I just hate that you probably told all your video store friends, and you didn’t tell me. It makes me feel…irrelevant.”

“You’re not. I swear it. They do know, but it’s only because he kinda showed up at work, so it was totally unavoidable.”

“Oh,” she said, avoiding eye contact.

“Ronnie,” I pleaded.

“I told you, it’s fine.”

“I ordered pokey stix,” hoping to distract her with the promise of delicious food.

“What the hell are those?”

“Gumby’s Pizza?” I asked, surprised. “Sorry, I’d assumed every college campus had them. I guess I was wrong.”

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