Page 33 of The Weight of Your Wishes

I grunt wordlessly and pull out my phone. There’s a text from Sky and a missed call from Cynthia. When I see her name on the screen, a wave of outright dread washes over me. I really don’t want to talk to her right now; she’ll know something’s wrong. She’s always able to see through me like that. I bypass it for now and open Sky’s message.

Sky:I’m sure you heard the news about the impending hurricane of doom, and I’m sure that also means that you don’t expect me to work today or tomorrow. Right, boss?

I snort and type out a quick reply.

Me:Closing the bar until after the storm passes. Do you need a place to stay or help with putting up shutters?

Their response is quick.

Sky:Nope. All’s well on this side of Hell. Thanks for the offer though, Dad. ;)

I shake my head and let my phone drop to my lap, gathering the courage to send Cynthia a text, too.

Me:Hurricane coming. Hendrix and I will be safe.

There. That was easy enough. One less thing to worry about, I guess. As much as I wish I could relax right here on the couch, I know I need to get the shutters up. “You ready?”

He looks down at what he’s wearing, which is only a pair of gray sweats. “Let me go put some shorts on.”

I start rifling through the garage, looking for my old box of wingnuts. We get hurricanes so often here that I already have everything I need to get the windows securely boarded up.

Hendrix appears next to me with shorts on, but these ones actually cover most of his thighs. It gives me pause. I stop rooting around the shelf. “Why are you wearing those?”

He rubs the back of his neck, looking anywhere but at me. “Figured you’d prefer these.”

I’d expected him to say something along those lines, but it still bothers me. “Don’t change what you wear on account of me, alright? Last night should’ve never happened. It was a massive lapse of judgment on my part.”

He flinches and clears his throat before grabbing a stack of aluminum panels from the far corner of the garage. Immediate regret settles in like a punch to the gut, but it had to be said. He needs to know. I don’t want to dwell on it. “Do you know how to install these?”

“Yeah, I’ve done it for my mom.” His words lack their usual lilt. His usual smiles are nowhere to be seen. I swallow the lump in my throat and grab another stack of the corrugated aluminum. We start at the front of the house.

“I left the anchors in after the storm last year, so we don’t need to worry about that. Just put the shutters on horizontally, from the bottom up, and then tighten the wingnuts here and here,” I instruct, pointing at the anchors on each side of the window. I bring him a ladder and get started on the window nearest his. He definitely knows what he’s doing. We finish at the same time, and it only takes us about five minutes. We make our way around the house within a couple hours, covering every window and door besides the one in the garage.

We put the ladders away and trudge inside. My body aches more than I’d have hoped—a constant reminder of my age. Hendrix goes straight for the shower, and I watch him as he does. His knees are covered in dirt, and so is his face from wiping away sweat with dirty hands. He didn’t say a single word to me the entire time we worked. It’s so unlike him that it’s pissing me off. It’s my fault that he’s acting this way.

I grab an ice-cold beer from the fridge and drink most of it in one go. It tries its best to calm me down, but it’s not enough. So, I finish it off and grab another. I distanced myself from him for an entire week, yet him giving me the cold shoulder for a single day is threatening to send me over the edge.

He walks out of the bathroom fully dressed as I uncap my fourth beer. He breezes past me in the kitchen and starts making a sandwich with his back to me. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight?”

His hand stills momentarily as he grabs the bread from the toaster. “No. I think I’m gonna go to bed early, unless you need help with anything.”

My teeth clench so hard they may crack.

It’s probably the alcohol buzzing lazily in my veins that makes me think this is a good idea, but I close the small distance between us and wrap my arms around him, squeezing him in a firm hug. I drop my forehead to his shoulder, and his breath falters. The warmth that rushes through me from simply having him in my arms is so unexpected that my eyes begin to sting. But he’s stiff as a board, not relaxing into the embrace like he usually does. The sting gets worse—in my eyes and in my heart. I squeeze him harder.

He speaks first. “You should take me back home after the hurricane passes.” I nod against his shoulder, even though I squeeze him impossibly closer. “You’ve gotta stop this. You know this hurts me, right? I don’t want you just one time for the hell of it. You’ve been my fantasy since I was old enough to have one. This might be new for you, but it’s always been this for me.” By the time he finishes, his chest is heaving, his hands white-knuckling the edge of the countertop.

“I know. And yes, this is new to me. I’m having a hard time letting go of this feeling—this feeling that makes me lose all semblance of sanity. You make me want to say fuck everything, so long as I can have this—have you.” I turn my head, grazing my lips over his neck. His pulse thrums frantically.

“That’s not true, and you know it. You said last night should’ve never happened,” he spits.

“And I meant it. It shouldn’t have because now look at us. If I can’t have you like this, then I can’t have you at all. You’ve made that clear. How am I supposed to stomach that?” God, losing someone has never cut this deep. It’s slicing right through my chest, slowly opening it up with every decision I make, and I don’t think it’ll ever heal shut.

He’s going to leave me wide open.

His head falls between his arms, pulling away from me. “I can’t… You can’t mess with me like this. There’s too much at stake. Myheartis on the line.”

I know how hard it must be for him to be this vulnerable with me right now, but if there’s one thing he’s always had, it’s courage. He’s no coward like me.

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