Page 29 of Forbidden Intent

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“Kiss me,” I plead, terrified if he doesn’t kiss me in the next ten seconds that my fear will kick in and I’ll sabotage the most romantic moment I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

He brought us to a corner of Trent and Becka’s garden tucked away from the crowd that looks like it was decorated by romance fairies.I feel like the heroine from a romance movie about to get her happy ending.It’s so surreal that all my normal hang-ups have completely abandoned me—for the time being at least.

When he finally starts to lean down after my desperate plea, I sigh with relief and push up on my tiptoes, meeting him halfway.The minute our lips connect, it’s like a lock clicking into place inside me.

His lips press tenderly against mine, our noses slightly brushing and the warmth of his hand against my cheek holding me close, but not in a way that makes me feel trapped.His lips brush once, twice, three times before I let out a soft sigh and open my mouth enough that he lets his tongue slide in.

He groans, his other hand wrapping around my back and pulling me against his hard body where I can feel his erection digging into my stomach.

It’s the feel of his dick that sends cold fear slicing through me.Instinctually, I brace my hands against his chest and shove him back as far away from me as I can.My breath comes out in frantic pants, more because I’m on the verge of a panic attack than because he kissed me breathless.I can feel the weight of panic on my chest and in the tightening of my limbs.A whooshing sound fills my ears and I bend over, placing my hands on my knees trying to hold myself up and not pass out.I try to talk myself through the exercises my therapist once gave me, but it’s a lot harder to focus when I’m in the middle of an attack—it’s always easier if I can catch it early, but this one came on too quickly.

A voice starts to penetrate the whooshing in my ears and I hear my name over and over again.It takes another few minutes before my breathing steadies enough and I no longer feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.I glance up and immediately wish I was still lost in the panic attack—at least then I wouldn’t have to see the concern and pity in Miles’s eyes.

My heart sinks to a level I didn’t know possible as I realize he just witnessed all of that.Not only witnessed it, but caused it.Wasn’t that one of my fears of giving in to my feelings for him in the first place?

He must think I’m a complete freak.

Tears form in my eyes and I try to hold them back, but I’m too emotionally spent.He catches them with his thumb, which only makes them come out faster.He’s being so nice, and I hate that I just ruined the best kiss I’ve ever had.

It may not have been my first kiss, but it was the first one that mattered.It was the first one Ichose.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, barely able to find my voice under all my mortification.

He shakes his head.“You have nothing to be sorry for.Are you okay?What do you need?”

I spin away from him, not willing to answer either of those questions.No, I’m not okay.What I need is a frickin’ time machine or a new body that doesn’t immediately freak the fuck out when the man of my dreams kisses me like I’m the most desirable woman in the world.

“Tamsin,” he says softly as he reaches out and gently grabs my hand.

I rip it away as if I’ve been burned and turn back toward him in time to see the horror cross his face.He holds his hands up like he’s about to be arrested.

“I’m so sorry.I shouldn’t have kissed you.I didn’t—” I can’t stand to see him beat himself up for this when this was so not his fault.

“It’s not you.It’s me.”I roll my eyes.“I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.You didnothingwrong.”

He stares at me skeptically.I can’t really blame him.I take a small tentative step closer to him, carefully listening to my body’s cues to make sure I don’t trigger another panic attack.

“Miles, I promise this wasn’t on you.I…” I want to tell him the truth.

Iwantto tell him the truth.

I stop in my tracks as my brain processes the truth of that thought.I’ve never wanted to tell anyone about what happened.Not even Rikki or my therapist know all the details because of how little I want to talk about that night, but suddenly I want to tell someone.No.Not someone, not just anyone.Miles.

I want Miles to know.All the usual excuses for why I shouldn’t tell him seem like a joke after my extreme reaction to his kiss.If he hasn’t figured it out yet, I’m sure he will at some point.He’s not an idiot.And the last thing I want is for him to think he forced himself on me when every part of me wanted that kiss.I can’t let my damage ruin that for him.

“I want to tell you,” I whisper.

He watches me closely, his gaze still filled with concern but also tenderness and patience.“I won’t hurt you,” he says.

Why does he have to be so perfect?

“I know you won’t.”

“But someone did.”It’s not a question.

“Yes,” I say, the word almost impossible to get out.I point to a bench sitting near the wall of roses.“Can we sit?”My legs still feel shaky and I know talking about this likely won’t make it any better.

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