Page 76 of Entangled

And I hate myself for it.

The sky opens up with a crack when I make it to what I’d guess is the mile mark, the rain mixing with the tears streaming down my face until there’s no discerning between the two. And I welcome it. The cold water slicks down my body and quickly soaks my clothes, leaving me shivering. I stop to welcome the numbness it brings. Wanting it to wash away these past weeks and leave me with nothing. No feelings. No love. No pain. Only blissful oblivion.

But as the tremors start to rack my whole body, the numbness still doesn’t reach the place I need it to. The ache in my heart is a physical thing trying to claw its way out to escape its misery. A full-body sob breaks free and I fold over, resting my hands on my knees, breathing slow and deep, trying to keep the cries at bay as I watch my shoes slowly sink into the mud the road has turned into. The flood of headlights washes over me two seconds before I hear Coop’s Bronco tear up the road and I turn my head as he pulls to a stop next to me.

He throws open the door, eyes spitting dark fire and pissed-off energy pouring off of him, wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts that look like he threw them on in haste. I stand as he charges toward me, trying to muster some sort of attitude to cover up how broken I really am.

He comes right up to me, standing so close I can feel the heat pouring off his body as he dips his head and invades my space. His jaw clenches, teeth grinding, and I force myself to meet his gaze, soaking up all the pain there, adding it to my own. He stares into my eyes for the longest time and the pull that is singularly ours flows between us as if it were its own entity, trying to mend the damage we’ve inflicted.

He unclenches his jaw to speak. “You don’t get to leave.”

I scoff quietly. “You were the one who showed me the door.”

The anger fades from his eyes. “I was just trying to—” he cuts himself off and heaves a weary sigh, shoulders dropping. “Just get in the car. Let’s talk about this at home, please.”

Home.

He came after me and now…

Home, as in, ours.

“No.” I shake my head stubbornly. Knowing that if I get into that car with him right now, that will be it. There will be no going back for me. He’ll have all of me, every little jagged piece.

His eyes narrow at my refusal and run the length of my body. “You’re fucking shaking. Get in the car.”

“No.”

I take a step back from him in retreat and his hand shoots out, wrapping around my arm in a vicelike grip and stepping into me. Putting us skin to skin with each other.

He drops his head down close enough that I can see the darkness slowly cloud over his eyes. “Get in the fucking car.”

“No!” I shout, yanking at the arm he holds, my breath heaving in panic.

“I love you, now get in the fucking car!” he roars, reaching up to snag my other arm, but there’s no need. The fight leaves me at his words and I shake my head against them, terror blanketing me.

“You can’t.” My voice cracks as I fight for breath.

“Too. Bad.”

Something inside of me snaps and I push at his chest. “You can’t!”

He pulls me right back against him, voice coming out low. “Too fucking bad. I love you.” Dropping his head, he brings our faces a hairbreadth apart. “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

A sob racks my body and I push at his shoulders again and again, each hit harder than the last. “You can’t. You can’t. You can’t!”

Before I even know what’s happening he hooks his foot behind my leg and my body crumples as he takes me to the ground. His arms come around me protectively, one hand cupping the back of my head, softening the blow as we hit and he uses the weight of his body to cage me in. He holds himself above me, keeping his massive body from crushing me as we sink into the mud. I look up into his determined night-forest eyes and feel fresh tears leaking from my own.

“It’s against the rules,” I whisper brokenly, trying desperately to clutch at anything to keep him at bay. “You can’t,” I plead.

“Fuck your rules.” He drops his forehead to mine. “You don’t get to run because you’re scared. You don’t get to push me away. You think you’re the only one who’s scared here, Princess?” He lifts his head at the question, letting me see the torment playing out on his face. “You turned my whole damn life on its head. You fucking terrify me. My days, my decisions, my whole damn world begins and ends with you now and it’s so far out of my fucking control that I couldn’t change it even if I wanted to. So you don’t get to run because you’re scared and damaged.” A breath stutters out of him, his eyes pouring his feelings right out onto me. “We’re all damaged. Every single person who walks this earth is broken in some way. And maybe you won’t tell me your name…”

He brings his hand up to cup my face and runs his thumb across my cheek with the utmost care, as if I’m infinitely precious to him. “But I know that you hog all the covers when you first fall asleep and then kick them off by morning because you have nightmares you’ll never acknowledge or admit to.” He dips his head and drops a featherlight kiss to my cheek, whispering. “I know that you can be reckless because you’re so fucking scared that the moment you don’t feel alive is the one you’re going to die in.” He slides his face along mine, bringing us nose to nose. “I know that you push and push and push at me because you’re terrified the moment you give yourself to me I’ll turn into some horrible person or walk away, but all some small part of you inside wants is for me to prove you wrong and stay.”

A sob racks my body at his words, a never-ending stream of tears falling from my eyes and he kisses them from my face, voice choking as he continues. “And I know that your broken parts fit mine, which is so fucking rare. Most people go their entire lives without finding it. So ignore it all you want. Bury your head in the sand for however long you need to be okay with it. But you don’t get to run. I won’t let you.” He brings his lips right up to mine, kissing me softly. “I fucking love you and I don’t give a shit what your rules say about that.”

Great, body-racking sobs start to flood out of me and Coop gathers me up in his arms, rolling us so that I’m lying on top of him and holding me tight as he makes soft, soothing noises. It feels as if my heart, my soul, my entire being has been cracked wide open, purging years of fear and pain and fury from my being. The steady stream of rain hits my back, washing away the mud and darkness, leaving me feeling exposed in a strange, new way.

My sobs eventually quiet, leaving my body softly shivering, curled into Coop’s warmth and I realize that somewhere during the span of my breakdown he’s started whispering the same words to me over and over again.

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