Page 31 of Dark Ink

“These are from the village,” she says.

“I don’t know why I kept them. But you can have them. I don’t want them anymore.” I give her the white panties and tank top I brought as well. “You will feel better after washing up. In this world, people shower alone, but if that feels too weird, I will come and shower with you.”

“I would like that.” She’s silent for a moment. “Am I allowed to ask questions?”

“Yes.” I have lost the fight against my memories. Inside my head, they are now swirling like an ominous black mass, waiting to destroy me from within.

“Why do you dislike the village so much?”

I search for an explanation that will not raise the tension in the room. I’m not ready to listen to doctrines I have struggled to live against for years. I’m itching for a cigarette. “Because it was a false reality. Koschei wasn’t our protector. He was the person who benefitted from our suffering. Tell me, are you afraid of him? Or do you love him?”

She looks confused. “Are those different? You can’t love without respect, and respect is to submit, to fear.”

I inhale, seeing myself in her features. And for the first time, it’s not anger that I feel, but pity.

“They are fundamentally different,” I say. “But how and why will come to you in time, as you live away from the village.”

“I don’t know if I want that. Everything here is too much. People are doing things without regard for the consequences of their behavior. Do they truly not get punished?”

“Sometimes they do, but it would be for different things than you would think. This world is not perfect in any way, but it’s slightly easier to live here. The darkness isn’t as suffocating as in the village, and the light comes forth without prayer or sacrifice.”

“What about Ben? Is he a protector in this world?” Jenya picks up the clothes and smooths the wrinkles in careful movements.

“This world has few protectors. Mostly people protect themselves. And Ben is someone who walked the same path as me for a time.” I get up, offering a hand to Jenya.

“He reveres you. I have never seen anyone look at another person the way he looks at you.” Jenya takes my hand and we straighten together. She’s so tall and thin. I will give her some snacks now, but I will have to feed her tomorrow properly.

“We liked each other in the past. Now, I don’t know. I’m afraid he’s too far away, and we will never walk the same path again.”

“Hm.” Jenya narrows her eyes. “It seems to me you’re already on the same path. But it feels like you’re running away.”

Her words stab my heart in an unexpected way. Koschei never taught us about the relations between men and women. We were taught about sex, which was introduced as an immortality ritual, but never about attraction, or love, or pleasure.

“That’s surprisingly insightful of you,” I say with a small, sad smile.

“I’m good at spotting things,” she says. “And I’m a quick learner. If you give me books about this world, I bet I can learn to belong in no time.”

“Let’s go shower, and then we’ll rest or learn, whatever you choose. One of the perks of living here is that you always get a choice.” I wink at her and I’m instantly rewarded with a smile. It’s the first one I’ve ever seen from her. With the corners of her mouth lifting and her eyes crinkling, she looks very much the child that she is.

“What if you make the wrong choice?” Jenya asks.

“Then you bear the consequences of your choice. It could be a reward, or punishment, or nothing at all.”

“Sounds like the chaos of darkness.”

“It’s usually better than the searing pain of light,” I reply, surprising myself with how easy I’m back to talking in cult speak.

Jenya’s words from before bounce around in my head. In many ways, my world is still light and dark. There are rarely moments of sunrise or sunset, when the lines between the two blur and the world is full of color.

I don’t know how to forgive Ben. Or anyone. Once someone has betrayed me, that’s it. But there was a time when Ben was the brightest source of light in my life. I long to return to that state, but how?

Chapter 18

One year ago

Today is a special day. Valerie, Brad, and Chad have finally left Lavender unattended. They’ve been here every day since Penelope took charge, but not today. Something happened at their headquarters, I heard, and I don’t care what it was. It provides me with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to snoop.

I have a job to do; a job I’ve been wanting to do ever since Mathias gave me the antidote ring and then the syringe. The ring ensures I don’t get drugged, while the syringe with his special concoction of tranquilizers ensures that everyone I wantisdrugged and unable to involve me in anything I don’t want to do.

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