Page 56 of Summer Swoon

“I could probably tell you the hours and minutes too if I really thought about it,” I said. “And I’ve been giving my toys a workout, but they’re just not doing it for me anymore. It’s much more enjoyable when someone else does the work. Know what I mean?”

“Yeah.” Anjannette’s mouth curled into a sappy, smitten, and super-satisfied smile. “I knowexactlywhat you mean.”

“Oh-kay.”

The chair scraped against the floor as I pushed back from the table and stood.

“What’s wrong?”

“You know that I’m really happy for you, but I’m so freaking jealous right now. I’m ready to jump out of my skin I’m so horny, and you and Leo are fucking like bunnies.”

Her eyes widened and she stared at me for a few heartbeats before flashing that satisfied smile again and dramatically nodding her head.

“Yeah we are.”

I burst out laughing then leaned down and pulled her into a hug.

“I truly am happy for you.” Shifting back, I squeezed her shoulders then let her go and straightened. “I’m just cranky.” I stuck my bottom lip out and used my best whiny voice to add, “I really like sex.”

Anjannette stood and leaned her hip against the desk.

“The only thing I can suggest is what really helped me. Focus on why you gave it up in the first place.”

She raised her voice on the last two words of that sentence turning it into a question. I never really told her why I decided to take a break from men. Initially, I didn’t have a concrete answer, it was just something I felt I needed to do. It’s a little more clear now, but knowing doesn’t make it any easier.

“You’re partly to blame for my celibate state.”

“Me?” She placed her hand on her chest. “What did I do?”

“You started a healthy relationship with your hottie ballplayer that made me want more than random hookups with dick band-aids. Plus those hookups got old. I realized I was just going through the motions and it became more like a bad habit than something I enjoyed.”

Anjannette’s image blurred and I blinked several times to push back the tears.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I dabbed at my eyes. “You know I’ve never been a crier, but lack of sex must have my hormones all scrambled because the past couple months, the waterworks are never too far off. Sappy movies and sweet commercials have me tearing up and I even got emotional last week after my class perfectly executed a new routine.”

“Have you talked to Dr. Green about it?”

When I decided that I finally wanted to deal with some emotional baggage, Anjannette recommended her therapist, Dr. Green.Dr.Rachel Green. It’s a struggle for me not to make aFriendsreference everytime I’m with her.

“Yeah, she said that crying is an excellent way of releasing emotions and processing difficult situations.” I used air quotes to highlight my therapist’s words. “I still don’t like it and can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it. Like seriously, why am I doing this anyway?”

“Change is hard, but it’ll be worth it. Honestly, I don’t think things would have worked out with Leo if I hadn’t focused on myself before we met. I wouldn’t have been capable of having a healthy relationship.” She squeezed my hand. “You went through a lot with Brian but when you guys broke up, you never really took time to deal with it. Which is the exact same thing I did for years. I moved from guy to guy, making the same stupid mistakes. The thing is, eventually all that stuff you ignore builds up and tarnishes everything.”

My issues didn’t start with Brian, but he definitely highlighted all my insecurities. I’ve always been a bigger girl and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bother me. Pole dance helped me appreciate my body for its strength and even made me feel sexy sometimes, but in the back of my mind, I always wish I was smaller.

“When we first got together, Brian said he loved my curves, but once he lost some weight and got obsessed with fitness, the insults started. He complained about what I ate and wore, especially if we were with his Crossfit friends.” I snort-laughed. “The sad part is, if I hadn’t found out he was cheating, I probably would have stayed with him.”

“Yeah, same with Travis and me,” she said. “And when Dr. Green pointed out my bad pattern and suggested I take a break from men, I hated the idea. Thankfully I’m stubborn and decided to do it just to prove her wrong, because she was totally right.”

“I’ll admit I thought you were crazy. I couldn’t even imagine going cold turkey like that.”

“So what changed?”

“Brian isn’t the first guy I’ve dated who ended up commenting on my weight.” I blinked away tears as I looked around the studio before meeting her gaze again, then shrugged. “One-night stands with random guys kept me safe from that. Plus the sex was good. In the beginning anyway. I just went through the motions with the last few. But that’s not how I want to live my life going forward.”

She pushed away from the table and pulled me into a hug.

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