Page 58 of Chasin' Cole

“I think you’re the only person who would want to leave behind the busyness of a big city and settle for a place where every store except Walmart closes before six.” I tell him. “Most people want to get out of this town, not put roots down here.”

“That’s a shame,” Jordan smiles. “I find small town life charming.”

“Oh, it has its charms,” I agree, “but it’s the same faces and places every day, every year. Not much changes except for the seasons. And even then, it’s still predictable. Long, hot summer days. Cool, colorful autumn afternoons. Cold, barren winter nights. Pops of color and life in spring. All predictable. I’ve seen it a thousand times before. Nothin’ changes.”

“Sounds like you’re one of those people who wants to get out,” he surmises.

“No,” I shake my head. “I'm under no illusion that life here is better than anywhere else. I just happen to know Georgia Mackey enjoys blastin' everyone's business all over her blog. And you won't make it out of here unscathed. Consider this your fair warnin'."

“Who hurt you?” Jordan teases as he reaches for his drink again.

So many people.I don’t even know where to begin.

But I don’t think a first date is the time or the place to get into all the things that have broken me.

“Do you have any siblings?” I slyly change the subject.

“I have an older sister,” he raises his eyebrows at me. “She reminds me a lot of Lacey.”

“Well, it seems we have one thing in common. We both have a Lacey in our lives.”

He laughs before grabbin’ his drink and takin’ another sip. I like him. I doubt I’d ever fall in love with him, but he’s not terrible company.

The waiter appears again, remindin’ us we still need to order. I quickly scan the menu and order the steak Lacey raved about.

The rest of dinner is surprisingly fun. It's easy. We laugh and the conversation flows freely. Jordan explains what he does for a livin’, but I couldn’t recount it even if I tried. Too many technical terms for someone as simple minded as myself.

But he’s not Cole.

And I’m afraid no one ever will be.

The drive home is quiet while we trade childhood stories. He fell out of a tree and broke both arms. I broke my ankle ice skatin’.

After Jordan's dropped me off, walked me to the front door, and told me he had a great time, I find myself slippin' into my truck and turnin' on the ignition.

The tires roll down the bumpy dirt road as I head towards Main Street. Towardshisplace. The place I've found myself runnin' away to every night since I got home from my trip. To sleep in his bed. To torture myself. I really enjoy torturin’ myself.

My feet follow the same, familiar path as I take the stairs two at a time. The last step creaks as I step on it and stride over to the door, tired but relieved.

I know I shouldn't be here, but bein' home—bein' with Mama and Howard—doesn't feel right anymore. Has it ever?

I have some money set aside for a rainy day. And as I turn the key in the lock, I wonder if it's time. If it's time to look at buyin' my own place.

I drop my purse on the table and pad along the hardwood floor to his dresser. I turn on the small lamp before I open the top drawer and run my fingers along his folded shirts. I resist the urge to pick one up and smell it. Instead, I slide it closed and walk over to his bed. I slip inside and reach for the book of photography he keeps on his bedside table. I open the first page and stare at a light blue hydrangea. I turn the page. It's an old man sittin' on a front porch swing. I know the next image by heart. A horse standin' with a strike of lightning in the backdrop. I stare at it for a while. The black horse. The violet sky. The effervescent glow of lightning. It makes me think of possibilities. The endless possibilities I have in front of me.

There's a little two-bedroom farmhouse across the railroad tracks on a few acres of land. Maybe it's time to call the realtor.

Chasin' dreams. I’ve been doin’ that a lot lately and I think I kind of like it.

The house and land need work. I'd have to rebuild a portion of the barn and clean up the pasture. But it would be a good start. A start to the kind of life I want to live now.

I close the book and return it to its place. I leave the light on and flip over in Cole's bed.

He's supposed to be back in a couple months. I knew all along he was leavin', but I never imagined he'd tell me not to wait for him. I never imagined I’d be lyin’ in his bed, wonderin’ when he’ll come home. And, if he does, what it’ll mean for us.

It felt wrong goin' on a date with someone else tonight. Like I was cheatin' on Cole. I know it’s not. I know I’m not supposed to be waitin’ for him. I’ve tried not to.

I peer up at the ceiling, frustrated. I didn't do anythin' wrong. But the part of me that will always belong to Cole feels betrayed. Betrayed that he left and set me free. I never wanted to be free. I just wanted to be his.

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