Page 98 of Jagged Line Paradise

“Fuck, fine!”

I let her walk away and she takes my goddamn heart with her.

Chapter 25

Avalon

I FEEL LIKEI’ve been well and truly fucked by every angle today, except in the only way I actually wanted to be. This whole day has been one of the most emotionally draining days of my life.

I hear his hotel room door slam shut from down the hallway and I flinch as I walk away, making my way to the elevator.

I don’t understand him.

I don’t understand how he can be so peaceful, so calming, so easy when he talks to me, like any other survivor he’s worked with throughVindication, and somehow still think he’s anything like his father.

He’s rough, yes, and he did scare me a little when we hooked-up the night before my mom died, but I still want him. I want all of him, just like I told him. I still want him now, even after his denial. He denied me so completely just because I wanted him to ease up a bit.

So I can’t havehim at all if it’s not on his terms?

It’s bullshit, that’s what it is.

Complete andutter bullshit.

And he’s going to visit his fatherin prison?

What the hell is he thinking?

If he’s so concerned about becoming his father, I would think he would want to stay as far away from the man as possible.

I punch the button to call the elevator.

I can’t understand why he’d want to visit that sick excuse for a human being anyway. It doesn’t make any sense if he’s really so concerned about keeping this “beast” inside him at bay.

Whatis that all about anyway?

Does he think I’llnever want him to be rough with me?

I was uncomfortable, but I wasn’t afraid of him when I swatted his hand away from my throat. I just didn’t want that in the moment. I wanted something softer. If he expected me to let him be rough, then he needs to man up and find a way to give me gentle. I didn’t want to stop, I just wanted him gentler. He’s going to have to figure out that balance if we’re going to be together.

What if he doesn’t want to be withme?

The thought hits me and the dark spiders in my mind scurry out from their corner, casting shadows over my clarity of thought. The idea that he might not want to be with me makes something ache deep within. He abandoned me once, and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. Maybe I should leave him before he gets the chance to leave me.

No.

The elevator doors slide open, and I step on, punching the button for the main level.

I don’t want to leave him. He means everything to me and I just feel so overwhelmed about him. I feel so much for him—good and bad, hopeful and hopeless—but I know I want it all.

I make my way back home, getting a lift from a ride share. I can’t stop thinking that I need to go back, all the way through the short, eight-minute drive. I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve stayed and I should’ve talked to him, told him everything I was thinking and feeling.

I stand outside my mom’s silver trailer, which I guess is mine now, and I worry that I’ve just ruined any chance he and I had because I left. I left to avoid telling him how I really felt, exactly what I’ve always done. I’ve been avoiding my feelings for so long that I’m on autopilot, set to flee whenever things get real.

Idon’t want to go inside.

The hot afternoon sun is blazing, but that doesn’t stop my feet from moving in the direction of the bluff. I trudge across Paradise Park and climb the hill, and when I reach the top, I look out at the jagged mountain lines cutting across the brilliant blue sky, the sun shining as a bright yellow, glowing orb in the distance.

This place, my jagged line paradise, calls for him. My soul brought me here and it reminds me that I need him. We’ve come too far to give up now.

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