Page 97 of Jagged Line Paradise

She flinches, her eyes widening, as if surprised that I would ask such a thing. “Because it’s what you want, and believe it or not, I want to give you what you want.” She climbs to her feet and walks toward me, stepping in close, putting her hands on my chest. “I’m not...I don’t want to be treated like I’m broken. Like I can’t handle being an adult. I need help, but I’m still capable of making my own decisions.”

“I’m dangerous for you.” I step forward, forcing her to take a step back to avoid losing her balance. “When you and I touch, it makes me lose myself. It makes me lose control.” I reach out and grab her face in both hands, sharply tugging her close and earning a gasp of surprise when I give her unflinching eye contact. “I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you and when we touch...” I trail off with hesitation.

“When we touch,” she encourages with a soft voice.

I sigh, closing my eyes. “When we touch, a part of me disappears. There’s a beast inside me trying to claw its way out and I’m afraid you’ll unleash it. I’m afraid you’ll let it out and I’ll hurt you, Lonnie. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to protect you.”

“I don’t need you to protect me from you. Iwantyou.” She steps closer, forcing me to move backward this time. “I want all of you. I may not be ready for the worst parts just yet, but I want to be.”

I drop my hands. “That’s what scares me the most.”

“That I’m not ready yet?”

“That you may never be. That I may never be. That I might be exactly like my father.”

She gasps. Her eyes dart around the features of my face though I don’t know what she’s looking for. “You’re nothing like your father. Do you really think you’re anything like him?”

I throw up my hands and drop them against my sides. “How do you not see it? How do you look at me without seeing it?”

Her eyebrows slant toward her nose as she rushes forward, pushing me until my back hits the wall behind me. “Because there’s nothing to see! You’re not him. You’re not like him. You never were and you never could be. Why don’t you see how much I trust you, how much I love you, how much I need you? Yes, you got a little rough, and no, I didn’t like it that much in that particular moment, but why can’t you trust me to stop you when it’s too much?”

“Because it was too much for you in the shower the last time we fucked and you didn’t say a goddamn thing! You let me hurt you. You didn’t even come and you lied about it. I know you didn’t come.”

She swallows hard and takes a step back. She blinks at me. A few beats of silence pass and when she speaks again, her voice is quiet. “This—today—has been a hell of a lot to process and…and I think that maybe I need to go.” She pauses, spins, and then spots her purse on the side table beside the sofa. She crosses the room and picks it up, slinging it over her shoulder. “I’m not upset, okay? I just don’t think I can have this conversation right now.” She steps forward, toward me, but then stops. “We can...can we talk tomorrow?”

Tomorrow.

Fuck, I have to tell her.

“I can’t see you tomorrow.”

Her face falls in disappointment and it’s like a punch to the gut. “Oh. Okay. I, um…I guess I’ll let you call me then.” I see the way she rolls her eyes before she spins, her perfect hair whipping around her, and she storms toward the door.

I run, catching her by the wrist just before she opens it. “Lonnie, wait.” She whirls around to look at me and I see the sadness in her eyes for the rejection she feels, but I’m not rejecting her. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you tomorrow. I do. I fucking do. There’s just something on my schedule that I can’t move.”

“What is it?”

“I didn’t plan to tell you this.”

“Tell me what?”

“Tomorrow is…” I take a deep breath. “Tomorrow is visitation day.”

Her eyes narrow, then widen in shock as understanding hits her. “You’re...you’re going to visit your father?”

I nod slowly.

“Why?”

“I don’t know how to explain—”

“Don’t explain.” She holds up her palm to halt me. “Please, don’t explain. I just,” she shakes her head, “I just need some time alone.”

She wrenches her wrist from my grip, flings the door open, and storms out into the hallway.

“Lonnie, please,” I call after her.

“Don’t follow me. Just give me some space.”

---