Page 48 of Jagged Line Paradise

I’m not my father.

I move in front of her and drop to my haunches, hooking the knuckle of my index finger beneath her chin and lifting her head. “Look at me.”

She puts her hands down and meets my eyes and I’mfucked.I’m seriously fucked. Her tears, her vulnerability, this raw and open feeling is messing with my heart.

I’ll admit I’m a piece of shit to want to take advantage of her in this moment, but it’s not because I want to hurt her. It’s only because I want her concession to this passionate energy between the two of us. That chemistry was always there, though I’d convinced myself over the years that it had never existed at all. I’ve never felt it with anyone but her, and it’s come back so intensely, so insistently, so abruptly, that there’s no way for me to ignore that it’s real—it exists, and it’s fucking powerful.

That’s why I wish she’d left the room, stormed off, left me behind. But she stayed and she’s on her knees in front of me, her soulful, sad eyes begging for comfort, and I ache to oblige her with careful direction.

“Stop crying, sunshine. Get up and shut the door.”

Wrinkles form between her eyebrows as she blinks, her hurt almost instantly giving way to curiosity.

“Go on,” I encourage her.

She sniffles, then slowly rises to her feet, and adrenaline punches through my veins. She closes the door and turns to face me, quiet, waiting for direction like she needs it…like shecravesit.

“I know I hurt you,” I tell her, moving closer. “I’m so fucking sorry that I did, Lonnie. I really am. But I’m not sorry that I left. I am sorry that you chose not to leave with me.” She opens her mouth to protest, but I shut her down fast, pushing into her space and crowding her against the wall behind her. “Quiet. Listen to me. I was able to build a charitable fucking empire because I left and we’ve helped thousands of women who’ve survived violence just like you, sunshine. And I will not be shamed for that. I’ve done some damn good in this world and if you can’t see that, then that shit is on you.”

I put my hand on her chest and let it slip upward, testing her boundaries. It turns out those boundary lines have faded. She stands still as my hand continues to move until the curve between my thumb and index finger catches on her throat. She swallows and I feel it in my grip. I can feel her pulse and it thrums unsteadily, just like mine. “Are you afraid of me?”

Her head slowly turns from side to side. “No.”

“But it hurts you to see me?”

A slow nod. “Yes.”

“And it turns you on.”

“I didn’t say—”

“You don’t have to say a word. I remember you turned-on. It was a long time ago, but I remember it all. In ten years, I never once felt what I felt with you that one night. I’ve fucking missed you.”

I let silence fall between us, giving her time to catch up, catch her breath, letting this all-consuming chemistry that’s always been between us exist for what it is. Her chest rises and falls as she holds my gaze. When she finally speaks, her voice is clear and bold and demands to be heard.

“Let go of me and leave me the hell alone.”

My jaw twitches, the beast within me rattling its cage, threatening to claw its way out. Somehow, I manage to pull my hand away and step back—because I’mnotmy fucking father. “I know you missed me, too, Avalon.”

She picks up her bag and gives me one last look. “I never said I didn’t.”

I didn’t let Lonnie walk back home alone, but I didn’t let her know I followed her back, either. I gave her the space she clearly needed, but I also kept my eye on her like a hawk until she got back to her trailer.

I called Brittany and Jeff, the cameraman, on the way back and they drove over from their hotel to meet me on the bluff. I apologized for derailing the day when I left with Avalon, but we got back on track. They shot a couple of interview questions with me there, got some B-roll for the opening and closing shots, and then we called it a day. I should’ve gone back to the hotel, taken a cold fucking shower, and called it a night, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave Paradise Park…not yet.

Instead, I find myself at Avalon’s door, knocking intently. She appears in seconds, almost as quickly as my fist raps against the warping, metal door behind the screen.

“Quiet, please, she’s finally down for the—” She stops mid-sentence once she registers that it’s me standing there on the other side of the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanna talk. Everything okay in there?”

She glances back behind her. “You’re not gonna leave me alone, are you?”

“No, I’m not.”

She stares at me for a beat, and I can feel the way she bristles with nervous energy. She wasn’t acting that way before. There’s something inside she doesn’t want me to know about. “Is everything okay?” I ask again.

“Fine.” She shrugs one shoulder. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

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