Page 87 of Dance with Death

Still, I reach for it.

I’d never forgive myself if she had texted and I didn’t see it just because I was too depressed to check. I was grateful that Kostya helped me keep it charged. I knew she couldn’t charge hers, but at least my phone was ready to receive a message from her. I brace myself for disappointment.

I lift the basic-as-fuck cell phone from where I keep it hidden in the box of photographs and click the button on the side to illuminate the screen. My spine shoots straight and I fumble with the phone, doing a double take.

One.

New.

Message.

I jump to my feet, the box of photos flipping off my lap and crashing to the floor, the pictures spilling out into a jumbled pile of rectangles. I step over it, pacing forward a few strides from the sheer burst of energy provoked by that little envelope icon on the screen.

I click to open it.

A:Mine?

She sent it to me five minutes ago. My fingers type faster than my brain can work.

E:Yours.

E:Are you okay? Tell me you’re okay.

E:Wtf happened?

A:I’m alive. I wouldn’t say I’m okay.

E:I’ve been so fucking worried about you.

It takes her two minutes to reply. Two minutes that threaten to make my head explode and my heart collapse like a dying star.

A:Has it really been nearly two months? That’s what it says above my text. God, it feels like a year. He came for me unexpectedly when we last texted and I had to hide the phone. Didn’t have time to turn it off. By the time I got back to my box, the battery had died. Got lucky. Risked my life to use Vigo’s charger today, but only got 30%. Tell me you love me, quick.

E:I fucking love you.

A:Was the ‘fucking’ really necessary?

E:Yes. Tell me you love me, quick.

A:I love you more than my own life. I hope you know how true that is. I’m only alive because I made you a promise.

I run a shaking hand through my hair, trying to figure out how to respond. I read that last line three times in a row.She’s only alive because of her promise. That means that she’s thought about—

E:I’m gonna find a way. I’m gonna save you.

I feel like I’m lying to her because I’ve failed her. I’m not any closer to figuring out how to save her, and I feel my own hope slipping. But selfishly, I keep promising that I’ll save her, just to keep her alive, just because I can’t stomach the thought of a world without Anya, even when she’s suffering a fate worse than hell.

If I were a better man, agoodman, I would let her go. I would tell her she didn’t owe me anything. That she didn’t need to keep any promises to me. I don’t know what kind of hell she’s living in, but I know the feeling I get from Vigo.

What kind of monster am I to ask her to live that hell for me?

I guess I’m not a good man because I can’t let her go. I won’t let her off the hook. I have to make her keep her promise.

E:Just hang on for me. Just a little longer. I’ll convince Nikolai to bring me to the next quarterly meeting at the Vittoris. One month. I’ll find a way to take you away from this nightmare.

A:I just want to be with you. That’s all I want.

E:Soon, baby. You and me. It’s the only thing that matters.

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